t-minus 12 hours to go

Hiya journal,   well as i suspected my moods have deteriorated to the point where i am fending off attacks left right and centre, i keep telling myself that these feelings are pointless but getting my brain to register this is an uphill struggle.  At the moment though i am not as bad as i have been in the past, touch wood, no vomiting or crying and no rocking back and forth to calm my nerves.  So i must take some comfort in that at least.  Again the cats are in the forefront of my mind, i have major guilt issues with leaving them, also i am worrying in advance about being in big crowds down in london.  What i have to remember is that the last time i was down i wasnt on any meds and i hadnt discussed my feelings with mick.....this time everyting is out in the open.....if i have an attack i will just have to tough it out because eventhough i might be going through hell at the moment i have to persevere or i will get nowhere in the fight with this bloody condition.  I still havnt managed to find a support group nearby to be able to talk to people face to face and perhaps only be a phone call away from a reassuring voice that knows what its like, i do think that would help a lot.The fact that i have a few other matters preying on my mind doesnt help either but as my mum says ' whats for you wont go by you' so i shall try to keep that in mind  when im away.Oh hell, i just want to be able to enjoy myself.  I dont think that i have every been anywhere in years without this sort of turmoil and it definately takes it out of you.  I want to be able to look forward to something without having all the unrealistic thoughts run through my mind.  Anyway, im off for a bath to try and relax...wish me luckTTFN xxxx