Sweet and sour soup
It is only natural that my memories of Yan have been dominated by her last months in sickbed, which is really the source of sadness. Today I decided to start taking stock of memories of our lives together--good or bad. I took a long hike of our favorite trail in Tung Chung while we talked about everything. Now myself and my memories: first time meeting her, daily walks around Renda campus, her favorite foods and sweets, of course wedding, the US, our first apartment and first home.....Memories bring smiles and tears, like a soup of sweet and sour, but flavorful. With every ingredients mixed up together, our lives intertwined. Hers was mine and mine was hers.
She made my life so much richer, and meanwhile, so carefree that I took it for granted. This made her passing shocking and awakening. I thought I knew pain until I saw her agony. I thought I knew sadness until I was desperate trying to touch her face but couldn't. I thought I experienced until I met my wife and saw her passing--pain, desperation, sadness, but also love, comfort, and happiness, and joy. What is the point then? I am a deterministic. I believe things happen for a reason. God has a plan for everything. Everyone and everything come to our lives for us to learn and grow. Yan comes to my life and gone, and I have experienced....so one day, with Yan smiling and overlooking at me, I will be able to say: "God, I have experienced and grown, I have accomplished and become a better person of love, compassion, and forgiving. Now, please take me to see my wife and all I have loved.....I am ready".
She made my life so much richer, and meanwhile, so carefree that I took it for granted. This made her passing shocking and awakening. I thought I knew pain until I saw her agony. I thought I knew sadness until I was desperate trying to touch her face but couldn't. I thought I experienced until I met my wife and saw her passing--pain, desperation, sadness, but also love, comfort, and happiness, and joy. What is the point then? I am a deterministic. I believe things happen for a reason. God has a plan for everything. Everyone and everything come to our lives for us to learn and grow. Yan comes to my life and gone, and I have experienced....so one day, with Yan smiling and overlooking at me, I will be able to say: "God, I have experienced and grown, I have accomplished and become a better person of love, compassion, and forgiving. Now, please take me to see my wife and all I have loved.....I am ready".
Replies
Awe, that was beautiful Tiger. I, also, am deterministic and believe that all we attract in our lives is meant to help us grow and evolve. Hugs, D
That really is beautiful. I like the sweet and sour. As I am learning to move forward I keep focusing on..tucking him in my heart so I could bring him with me and not feel like I am leaving him behind. Memories are a good thing and I thank god that I have them...but I just couldn\'t stand the painful parts. Ive been doing a little reflecting while trying to meditate and it just didn\'t feel right to me...maybe I was missing an ingredient...so tomorrow I will take a moment and embrace my bowl of sweet and sour soup...the thought is actually comforting and warming...you really hit a good one...so many books on chicken soup for this and chicken soup for that...but what we are all experiencing is way more than this or that...really thank you!!
Absolutely a beautiful journal Tiger! While I was reading it I thought he is so fortunate to have had Yan, who he loved with all his heart. It may only come once in our life time. That deep deep love. Blessings to you my friend!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been spending way to much time this week reflecting on what my life has become, rather then the richness of what was...Patti
Sweet & Sour, Yin & Yang, Life & Death - we would not appreciate the good things as much without experiencing the bad things as well. They are not so much opposites as they are complementary. Like sweet and sour soup, which Arlene loved, and we found a very good Chinese restaurant that made it vegetarian.
Many people say that losing a loved one helps them appreciate and be be grateful for life, day-by-day, minute-by-minute.
I also am disturbed that my immediate memories of Arlene are of her final days, immobile, connected to a respirator, unable to talk. She communicated much through her eyes, still lively and deep. On the day she died, she shook her head side-to-side. I didn\'t know if she was telling me she was sorry, or that she had enough suffering and she was ready to let go of this life.
I have consciously worked on replacing her sick image with her healthy & happy one when these memories come up. I think it is helping.