Suspended in mid-air...
I guess I am slowly getting back to reality after a huge blow out with my boyfriend. I am talking to friends and doing stuff with everyone except him. Not by choice, but I just refuse to be walked on anymore. My "give a fuck" button still seems to be broken, or malfunctioning at the very least. I think I have hit that point where its just gone too far and its not even worth dealing with anymore, but I am trying to still be civil. All feelings (for the most part) about this relationship have disappeared. I still love him, but, well, let me change that. Its not all feelings that have disappeared. I think its all hope that has disappeared. Hope is a strange thing. Your perspective definitely changes when you have none about a certain person or event. You start to look within... you start to look elsewhere.
I havent seen him since our fight about the future over two weeks ago. He was supposed to come over to my house the following weekend, but changed it on me and said I had to come to his place. I said that wasnt right because we already made plans to be at my house and it was important to me because I had to be up early the next morning for work, but he said he didnt feel like it. I replied thats fine, but I am not coming over. This led to another fight where "I stood him up". I dont agree, I kind of feel like I was the one that was stood up since the plan was for him to come to my house. But I am the one who is the bitch in this whole story now since I am actually standing up for myself.
So he texts me the following weekend and we go back and forth. He said he wanted me to leave my daughter and dog at home (alone) and come over to his house. I told him he cant spring that on me the day of, that I have to make plans for a sitter and everything. He was like your daughter is 14 years old, she can stay home by herself for one night. Not in my neighborhood. Plus, I dont want to be (and not going to be) the single mom who leaves her kids home alone to stay overnight with her boyfriend. He didnt like this at all and said, fine, just forget it. I didnt have a problem with him wanting a night for us to be alone, I was just upset because he waited til the last minute to tell me then expected me to drop everything and come. As luck would have it, my sister wanted my daughter to babysit that evening, and I didnt have my daughter for the night because she was going to stay over at my sisters house. I called my BF at left message to let him know if he wanted me to come over let me know as soon as possible because I was available. He was up on FB playing around at 8pm and didnt return my call. Then he waited to respond until 11pm that night. At that point, I wasnt going over. He texted me he just woke up, but I called bullshit.
We argued back and forth on the text, then I finally called him. An hour and a half of him saying I was all in the wrong for the past three weekends. And me telling him he told me he was going to change if we got back together and nothing has. Its still always his way or no way, and I am tired of being walked all over and I am not dealing with it anymore. He wouldnt hear me out. We both hung up frustrated and nothing resolved. I havent spoken to him since and he hasnt reached out.
I just dont care anymore. It used to be that I would call, email, fight, cry to work things out with him in hope that things would turn around and we would have a future together. But he showed me three weekends ago he wants no future (or at the very least doesnt plan to have one anytime soon). How long am I supposed to wait? I have waited almost three years. I have seen all my friends start relationships after me, move in and get married with their significant others, while I am suspended in this relationship that is going no where. I have watched them have date nights and see there significant others all the time, while I see mine a few hours once a week. There is nothing here for me. Nothing at all. The hope I had that he was "the one" is gone. I feel like I am finally done and I dont want to go back into it. I have had a sense of peace since I have let go emotionally. Im not always waiting for him to call or text, not always worrying about if the relationship is going to advance into something more. Not wondering if we will ever have a date night, see eachother more or spend a vacation together. Because I have accepted he isnt going to do any of these things. Its not going to happen... the hope is gone.
I havent seen him since our fight about the future over two weeks ago. He was supposed to come over to my house the following weekend, but changed it on me and said I had to come to his place. I said that wasnt right because we already made plans to be at my house and it was important to me because I had to be up early the next morning for work, but he said he didnt feel like it. I replied thats fine, but I am not coming over. This led to another fight where "I stood him up". I dont agree, I kind of feel like I was the one that was stood up since the plan was for him to come to my house. But I am the one who is the bitch in this whole story now since I am actually standing up for myself.
So he texts me the following weekend and we go back and forth. He said he wanted me to leave my daughter and dog at home (alone) and come over to his house. I told him he cant spring that on me the day of, that I have to make plans for a sitter and everything. He was like your daughter is 14 years old, she can stay home by herself for one night. Not in my neighborhood. Plus, I dont want to be (and not going to be) the single mom who leaves her kids home alone to stay overnight with her boyfriend. He didnt like this at all and said, fine, just forget it. I didnt have a problem with him wanting a night for us to be alone, I was just upset because he waited til the last minute to tell me then expected me to drop everything and come. As luck would have it, my sister wanted my daughter to babysit that evening, and I didnt have my daughter for the night because she was going to stay over at my sisters house. I called my BF at left message to let him know if he wanted me to come over let me know as soon as possible because I was available. He was up on FB playing around at 8pm and didnt return my call. Then he waited to respond until 11pm that night. At that point, I wasnt going over. He texted me he just woke up, but I called bullshit.
We argued back and forth on the text, then I finally called him. An hour and a half of him saying I was all in the wrong for the past three weekends. And me telling him he told me he was going to change if we got back together and nothing has. Its still always his way or no way, and I am tired of being walked all over and I am not dealing with it anymore. He wouldnt hear me out. We both hung up frustrated and nothing resolved. I havent spoken to him since and he hasnt reached out.
I just dont care anymore. It used to be that I would call, email, fight, cry to work things out with him in hope that things would turn around and we would have a future together. But he showed me three weekends ago he wants no future (or at the very least doesnt plan to have one anytime soon). How long am I supposed to wait? I have waited almost three years. I have seen all my friends start relationships after me, move in and get married with their significant others, while I am suspended in this relationship that is going no where. I have watched them have date nights and see there significant others all the time, while I see mine a few hours once a week. There is nothing here for me. Nothing at all. The hope I had that he was "the one" is gone. I feel like I am finally done and I dont want to go back into it. I have had a sense of peace since I have let go emotionally. Im not always waiting for him to call or text, not always worrying about if the relationship is going to advance into something more. Not wondering if we will ever have a date night, see eachother more or spend a vacation together. Because I have accepted he isnt going to do any of these things. Its not going to happen... the hope is gone.
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