Susan

It's really hard seeing and being around everyone now that Susan is gone.  I just fight the tears that happen at any moment and seem to come from nowhere.  It's only been 2 months since she passed away and after 36 years together, well...  I'm getting better being alone, without her.  I admit it was way harder during the first few weeks.  I know that I have to work through my feelings of discomfort around couples and I'm doing that.  I realize that everyone still love me, no matter what.  I'm learning to put one foot ahead of the other and choose to go on living the best way that I know.  It's still hard to come home, as Susan isn't there to share in my adventures (people and places), no matter how mundane.  It's so quiet here, that I leave Pandora on the TV all the time to get rid of the silence.The one way I have discovered to get through all this is to realize that I'm not alone.  Others have lost someone and our 36 years together seems like a really short time.  The only saving thought that I have now is that Susan no longer is in pain or having the shakes because of her pain.At the end, she was taking more than 19 tablets a day, just to exist with the pain.  She was gradually losing who she was (she was easily confused), couldn't eat right (her dentures were wrong), or see that well (she needed new glasses, she had stopped reading - always told everyone who would listen that she couldn't remember what had happened only 5 pages before - and only listened to the free movies on her Kindle).  Her pain was so great that it had taken 5 nurses more than an hour to transfer her from the emergency room bed to the hospital bed.I'm doing lunches out now, not dinners, when I feel the need to be around others.  Lunches are easier than dinners, as there are a lot of people who are just one while dinners are generally for families, or couples.  On Sundays, I usually stay at home and watch TV or read the Sunday papers (the real stuff, not the electronic versions).Susan (when she was able) and I attended any function, together.  But now I am one and I feel like a fifth wheel when I'm alone with others.  Being alone isn't easy and I am very slowly coming to terms with being alone.  I don't plan to close myself up forever and shut people or couples out of my life.  I have learned the difference between good and hurtful grief.