Surviving Rejection (again)
TO any of my friends who want to read this: some of it is rehashed and I know it's long. I just can't find my way out of this tangle without being a doormat. I'm frustrated and really hurt. What would you all do?
So, I got home on my birthday (Nov 21st) at 4am from my sister's in FL. On Friday, my husband forwarded some emails between him and his mother from the previous weeks. They weren't very nice or open on either side. I thought maybe I could serve as a buffer and help them communicate since they're both TOTALLY stubborn and won't repeat themselves or say what they're REALLY feeling. This is how it went.
Matt is green, his mother is red and I'm purple. It's a complex and confusing situation but I wanted to get this down here so I can straighten it out in my mind too.
Thurs, Nov 2nd: the day before I left. I got a card for my father in law and signed it and asked my husband to sign it. I also suggested he call his father for his 70th bday (Sat, Nov 3rd). He refused and pretty much demanded I not send it. I felt I needed to respect his wishes.
Mon, Nov 5th: From his mother
Matt, on Saturday we celebrated Dud's 70th birthday. You didn't call and we are wondering if you forgot or if it was deliberate. If it was deliberate, can you let us know why? We just don't know where we are with you right now. Thanks, Mum
On Nov 5, 2012, at 9:42 PM
I didn't call because I'd rather not have any contact with any of you. I thought I made my anger clear but I guess not. We are on different planets when it comes to how we move through the world and I don't think they're compatible. So we don't have to go over it again, I don't want any contact on my birthday, or Christmas, either. Matt
This exchange went on several more times, each refusing to give ground. So I tried to soften things between them while still communicating to her that the vile things she said in the exchanges about me where WRONG. She continues to think she and her family up there are all PERFECT and have done absolutely nothing wrong. That it's ALL my fault.
In particular, I'm remember the day I found out my sister had cancer and wrote her a loving email saying I was so thankful she was in my life and felt we were growing apart. That I really wanted to be close again, so let's start over or if needed, talk about whatever was bothering her. I was hurting, alone and depressed (big time) in Florida and my sister was in the hospital facing more surgery. I had literally JUST found out a few hours before that my sister had malignant cancer, which I told my mother-in-law in a previous email. She said something like, "too bad for Missy". Then 20 minutes later, my MIL dumped me. At that particular time, I was fragile, depressed and really in a lot of pain (mental, emotional, CP, kidney stone, liver, etc.), terrified that my sister would die and so much more. And she chose that day, after 2 years of my asking, to dump me. I can't just ignore that. She later claimed I overreacted and that, too, was my fault. If this hadn't been the first time someone I love dumped me when I was very vulnerable, I might have done something really stupid, like take my own life. She doesn't accept any responsibility for any of it. Doesn't even want to know she could have pushed me over the edge if I hadn't had experience with her type of cruelty.
On Nov 23, 2012, at 8:41 PM, Robbin
Matt just forwarded this to me. I'm once again almost speechless. I feel I have a lot to say but don't want to say it to closed ears. I also think "this latest blow up" is only tangentially about me. Most of these issues on the table developed long before I even met you or Matt. And you're right in that participation is required, only not just mine. You and your group have a lot to answer to as well.
Let me know if you want to talk as it was never my intention to create distance between anyone. You all did that very well on your own. If you're still stumped about my "sad situation", let me say for future reference that if you or your group ever have someone reach out to you who is really, critically depressed, NEVER EVER treat them the way you treated me. People can get hurt of worse by that kind of treatment. Save your criticisms and rejections until the crisis has passed and all can talk like adults.
I'm so sad and hurt that you have all turned this into my fault. But my pain isn't enough to accept this kind of conduct. I have always urged Matt to see things from your point of view. And in spite of the low opinion you obviously have of me, I continue to do so. I know what it's like to be estranged from a parent and lose them. From the bottom of my heart I don't want that for Matt. Or for you and Dud. I really don't and if I have to put my hurt aside to help, I will.
And Matt is REALLY angry at you and yours. I've talked to him many times already, despite my personal issues with you, to reach back and open communications. I guess he isn't ready for that. I think he needs some indication that you realize you have played a part in the blow up. None of your emails have in any way even given him a glimpse that YOU are at fault in any way. I don't want to believe that you think you're perfect so that leaves me thinking that you don't want to be vulnerable. I get it but you have to give some to get some.
Sunday, November 25, 2012 12:53 PMI am very saddened by this rent in the fabric of our family. I know Matt is very angry but he has made it clear to us that he is not ready to talk about it and he may never be ready. Such anger is a bitter thing to live with and I hope he can work through it and talk to us about it some day. I am working on accepting this as well as I can. I have already said everything to both of you in my emails and have tried to talk to Matt on the phone to no avail so there is nothing left to say. It hurts me to see myself and Matt's family referred to here as 'you and your group'. You copied this to him so I have to conclude that he is OK with you characterizing his family in this way. Perhaps you meant it to hurt. I am so sad for you.
Mum
That same day I sent this to his mother:
Every time I try to reach out to you, you just use it as an opportunity to lash out. I just don't get it. I am/was trying to find a way for you two to communicate, putting myself aside as much as I can. Instead of using my help, you once again reject it. When you are ready to use love instead of hate to bridge the gap, I'm here. Robbin
It seems to me that the ONLY thing she read was a phrase from which she could take offense. She drifted over all the real material and pouted. I wonder now if she really DOES think she's perfect. I'm tired of being the only one to apologize and admit my part in things. I've given a lot of ground over 13 years in an effort to keep the peace. Then they decide I mess up ONCE and BAM, I'm out. Huh? That, I can't swallow.
So, I got home on my birthday (Nov 21st) at 4am from my sister's in FL. On Friday, my husband forwarded some emails between him and his mother from the previous weeks. They weren't very nice or open on either side. I thought maybe I could serve as a buffer and help them communicate since they're both TOTALLY stubborn and won't repeat themselves or say what they're REALLY feeling. This is how it went.
Matt is green, his mother is red and I'm purple. It's a complex and confusing situation but I wanted to get this down here so I can straighten it out in my mind too.
Thurs, Nov 2nd: the day before I left. I got a card for my father in law and signed it and asked my husband to sign it. I also suggested he call his father for his 70th bday (Sat, Nov 3rd). He refused and pretty much demanded I not send it. I felt I needed to respect his wishes.
Mon, Nov 5th: From his mother
Matt, on Saturday we celebrated Dud's 70th birthday. You didn't call and we are wondering if you forgot or if it was deliberate. If it was deliberate, can you let us know why? We just don't know where we are with you right now. Thanks, Mum
On Nov 5, 2012, at 9:42 PM
I didn't call because I'd rather not have any contact with any of you. I thought I made my anger clear but I guess not. We are on different planets when it comes to how we move through the world and I don't think they're compatible. So we don't have to go over it again, I don't want any contact on my birthday, or Christmas, either. Matt
This exchange went on several more times, each refusing to give ground. So I tried to soften things between them while still communicating to her that the vile things she said in the exchanges about me where WRONG. She continues to think she and her family up there are all PERFECT and have done absolutely nothing wrong. That it's ALL my fault.
In particular, I'm remember the day I found out my sister had cancer and wrote her a loving email saying I was so thankful she was in my life and felt we were growing apart. That I really wanted to be close again, so let's start over or if needed, talk about whatever was bothering her. I was hurting, alone and depressed (big time) in Florida and my sister was in the hospital facing more surgery. I had literally JUST found out a few hours before that my sister had malignant cancer, which I told my mother-in-law in a previous email. She said something like, "too bad for Missy". Then 20 minutes later, my MIL dumped me. At that particular time, I was fragile, depressed and really in a lot of pain (mental, emotional, CP, kidney stone, liver, etc.), terrified that my sister would die and so much more. And she chose that day, after 2 years of my asking, to dump me. I can't just ignore that. She later claimed I overreacted and that, too, was my fault. If this hadn't been the first time someone I love dumped me when I was very vulnerable, I might have done something really stupid, like take my own life. She doesn't accept any responsibility for any of it. Doesn't even want to know she could have pushed me over the edge if I hadn't had experience with her type of cruelty.
On Nov 23, 2012, at 8:41 PM, Robbin
Matt just forwarded this to me. I'm once again almost speechless. I feel I have a lot to say but don't want to say it to closed ears. I also think "this latest blow up" is only tangentially about me. Most of these issues on the table developed long before I even met you or Matt. And you're right in that participation is required, only not just mine. You and your group have a lot to answer to as well.
Let me know if you want to talk as it was never my intention to create distance between anyone. You all did that very well on your own. If you're still stumped about my "sad situation", let me say for future reference that if you or your group ever have someone reach out to you who is really, critically depressed, NEVER EVER treat them the way you treated me. People can get hurt of worse by that kind of treatment. Save your criticisms and rejections until the crisis has passed and all can talk like adults.
I'm so sad and hurt that you have all turned this into my fault. But my pain isn't enough to accept this kind of conduct. I have always urged Matt to see things from your point of view. And in spite of the low opinion you obviously have of me, I continue to do so. I know what it's like to be estranged from a parent and lose them. From the bottom of my heart I don't want that for Matt. Or for you and Dud. I really don't and if I have to put my hurt aside to help, I will.
And Matt is REALLY angry at you and yours. I've talked to him many times already, despite my personal issues with you, to reach back and open communications. I guess he isn't ready for that. I think he needs some indication that you realize you have played a part in the blow up. None of your emails have in any way even given him a glimpse that YOU are at fault in any way. I don't want to believe that you think you're perfect so that leaves me thinking that you don't want to be vulnerable. I get it but you have to give some to get some.
Sunday, November 25, 2012 12:53 PMI am very saddened by this rent in the fabric of our family. I know Matt is very angry but he has made it clear to us that he is not ready to talk about it and he may never be ready. Such anger is a bitter thing to live with and I hope he can work through it and talk to us about it some day. I am working on accepting this as well as I can. I have already said everything to both of you in my emails and have tried to talk to Matt on the phone to no avail so there is nothing left to say. It hurts me to see myself and Matt's family referred to here as 'you and your group'. You copied this to him so I have to conclude that he is OK with you characterizing his family in this way. Perhaps you meant it to hurt. I am so sad for you.
Mum
That same day I sent this to his mother:
Every time I try to reach out to you, you just use it as an opportunity to lash out. I just don't get it. I am/was trying to find a way for you two to communicate, putting myself aside as much as I can. Instead of using my help, you once again reject it. When you are ready to use love instead of hate to bridge the gap, I'm here. Robbin
It seems to me that the ONLY thing she read was a phrase from which she could take offense. She drifted over all the real material and pouted. I wonder now if she really DOES think she's perfect. I'm tired of being the only one to apologize and admit my part in things. I've given a lot of ground over 13 years in an effort to keep the peace. Then they decide I mess up ONCE and BAM, I'm out. Huh? That, I can't swallow.
Replies
It sounds like his mother sits & reads & rereads everything she has ever gotten from you and Matt then rehashes everything over in her mind. So no matter what you do or say she will only find the negative and dwell on it to fit it into her fantasy. The best thing is not to write her anything. No ammo..
It sounds like your husband has been dealing with a unstable mother his whole life.
The best way to deal with them is to tell them when they can treat you and your husband with the respect you deserve, to call you. Tell them you & Matt love them, but won\'t be emotionally blackmailed. You never would go out of your way to intentionally hurt someone and to say so, just shows the lack of respect that they show on their part. When they do call or write and start saying stuff you just tell them \" I love you and my family to much to get into an argument you, so I am going to end this conversation.\"
I like the text you sent about using love instead of hate, except I doubt she respects anyone enough to listen to that great message.
Sorry you are having such a rough time..
Cheryl
Hey Cheryl,
Once again, I thank you so much. It helps a lot for someone outside this tangled mess to offer their opinion. I start thinking I screwed up so bad then can\'t recall what I did to deserve such bitterness and hate. Like you said, she\'s unstable.
This will be the first Xmas in 45 years I won\'t spend with my or my hubby\'s family. My family is also majorly screwed up and I just don\'t want to deal with all the drama and fights.
Did I tell you only my mom bothered to even leave a brief phone message? Not one of the rest sent an email, card, phone call, etc. Since there are 8 of them I buy gifts for and send out (birthday and Xmas), it seems they could at least remember me. They never remember my husband or my dog, Wyn, who really is my furry baby! I love her with my whole heart.
So Matt and I talked and decided to stay home. I\'ll have to break it to my mom and I can already hear/feel the guilt trips. But I\'m too broken right now to do so much for others and get so little back. This has to be about Matt, Wyn and I.
On the bright side, The Hobbit is coming out close to Xmas! We\'re HUGE LOTR (Lord of the Rings) fans and can\'t WAIT. SOOOO exciting!
What are your plans for the holidays? It warms my heart picturing you with all your family. Like in a postcard or magazine. Or even better, a book. I\'m sure there are tangles and fights but you seems to really love them and they you. That makes me glad.
Take care and TA for reading my soap opera (again). Soon, I hope to post more positive journals. Or even ones about my health would be an improvement! :)
Bless your heart robin! I mean wow what a sad situation especially this time of year. I will pray that the good Lord softens her heart. So that you may all find peace. Keep your chin up, don\'t let her get ya down. Sounds like your hubby is truly in love with you. Love and hugs to a sweet person.
Heather