surviving
it's been 2 1/2 months since my last journal entry. in the first days and weeks of my recovery I was journaling every day, and now find months passing before I take the time to check in. i think this is for a couple of reasons. first, journaling in the beginning was a critical part of my recovery, logging in each 24 hour, weekly and monthly accomplishment, sharing this with my friends and supporters here. as the months progressed, it became a way to share the continuing phases of sobriety and the hard work of self-reflection, working on my flaws, re-wiring the thinking that made me an addict.
and now some years have passed since that lifechanging decision on Friday May 26, 2017. now my sobriety is an inherent part of my being. I rarely give it a thought as I move through life now. no, I haven't forgotten the cost of my addiction all those years, but I don't dwell on it either. my estranged relationship with my daughter and her family is a reminder of this, but such is life. until she forgives me, there is nothing I can do.
in 2005 and 2013 I survived cancer scares. the surgery wasn't bad, but the chemo and radiation was brutal. since then, I've healed and working out at my gym like a maniac again. I was lucky. I wear a yellow silicone cancer survivor wrist band that was a gift, but I really don't think about it much. but yes, I'm a cancer survivor. I survived alcohol and drugs too. I'm also a father without a daughter survivor, and a guy-who-needlessly-pissed-away-a-lot-of-money survivor.
anyone alive today is a survivor of something. but we endure, support one another, and move on. that's what we do.
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There is something called, "Divine Providence" which is when God allows something bad to happen to bring about a greater good......Maybe this is a lesson in forgiveness for your daughter. Maybe one day she will see it as a gift. Maybe God has something greater in mind. We never know because we can't see the whole picture like God can. We only see a very small piece of a much larger puzzle. Hard to say. I know one thing and I have seen it occur in my life, over and over again......Stay sober....keep trusting in your Higher Power.....and at some point in the future, you will be glad you did.
God Bless
thanks Bob, appreciate your thoughts as always. you're a good man my friend. I wake up thankful for my sobriety every day, but also realize that some of my prior decisions may have broke ties forever. I'm open to the possibility of a reconciliation with my daughter, just not very optimistic that it will happen. .
You've been through one hell of a journey and your perseverance and endurance is a testament to the strength of humans, of your strength. Forgiveness is difficult and sometimes people who deserve forgiveness do not receive it and other times people who don't deserve forgiveness are given it too easily. You've done all you can to reconcile and that's all you can do and I have faith that your daughter will recognise this eventually. Lots of love x
Thank you for your words of wisdom Miralee. I’ve so appreciated your support since we connected almost five years ago right here on DS. You’re an amazing friend!