Survived The Weekend

Survived the 3 day weekend.  Really wasn't home.  Was out more than I was in, but made a balance for I needed to chill out one afternoon, watch a good movie and do the laundry (running out of underwear and we can't have that).  Took a ride to the cemetery, cried my eyes out, and talked, talked, talked, to my husband.  It gives me a feeling of closeness, even though I know his soul is not there but is with me daily. Went to the primary physician yesterday.  After much discussion, my meds were changed.  I have started on Cymbalta today, and will see him again October 1.  Also to take 1 mg of Lorazepam nightly for sleep, so I don't wake up until the alarm goes off.  After 7 days I will cut the dosage in half, and remain on .5 MG for sleep.  I can tell you that even though I don't like to rely on medication, it has been such a relief the last two nights to not wake up, have the mind start, and the anxicet set in.  Our new life is fearful enough without the added anxiety and stress. I was actually able to walk into Wal-Mart this morning and not feel like I was in a cage.  No anxiety, but actually enjoyed shopping for a stupid bed pillow.  My husband would be proud of me. The counselor doesn't want me on meds that are going to mask the pain and feelings of grief that I need to experience to heal.  The primary physician agreed with her and said the meds I am on will not do that. Also going to a bereavement group for the first time Monday evening.  Don't want to go, but need to give it a try.  Who knows?  I may benefit from it.  Gotta stop being a whimp and deciding something is not going to work before I try it. My primary also agreed with the counselor that everything I am experiencing is normal for losing one's spouse.  After all, what more could be expected or be different since I lived and loved a wonderful person for 38 years of my life?  I also told him the stupid comments made by others as to finding a boyfriend, the winter is going to be so hard, and the holidays are coming.  He said in all the years of his experience he has heard it all, and to not pay attention to them.  Everyone's grief journey is a personal one.  There are no timetables, no rules, no expectations, no limits.  We each need to find our way our own way, and with what we want to do.  At some point in time, we do need to climb up out of the hole.

Replies

hotdogalice
hotdogalice

oh girlfriend, you are amazing. you are taking steps. wow your doing great. just be easy on yourself
glad you did the walmart thingy hope you found a pillow. this all takes time.
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe

I liked the pillow thing, too - and no, it\'s not stupid at all. I went to both my primary doc, and my gyno, and both times, spent 5 minutes on exams, and 45 minutes on talking. Or, me talking, and them listening. Very important to have docs that actually hear what you\'re saying! Your doctors\'s comments about no timetables, no rules, no expectations, no limits - very good advice, we just need to heed to that. My brain tends to go in gnarly little directions that I don\'t want, but can\'t seem to help sometimes - but I\'ve come to understand that\'s part of the process, too. Don\'t go by the rulebook, Debbie - whatever you feel is normal for you - not necessarily by the grief books. Hugs, Marsha
MDD
MDD

I have to make an appointment too with my primary. I tend to sleep about 2 to 3 hours a night. Have not yet done the counseling thing. Not sure they are going to tell me anything that I don\'t alreay know. It is a process and journey that only I can take. Mixed feelings are all normal and I don\'t need to have someone tell me so who knows what I will do. I am proud of you for picking up that pillow. I never thought that going to the stores would be so hard. I just came back from the store to pick up a few items. To my surprise it went well. Hang in there. Maria
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

Regarding the counseling, it was a very good decision for me. There is no way I could have done this alone. Just having everyone make suggestions or comments to make you feel better, or recover, is enough to drive you crazy. You start to believe that if you do these things, they are the quick fixes and are going to take the pain and depression away. This is absolutely not true. I know I want to stay in my home, for I don\'t want to live anywhere else. I know I will recover, but when I don\'t worry about. My loss is great, and I miss my husband terribly. Proud of myself for taking the initiative to see the primary and discuss my condition. Just not sleeping a full night was taking me down to a level I didn\'t want to go. At least now I can function better in the morning, and during the day. Look forward to an event, however slight. I don\'t know where my life is headed, or how I will recover. Don\'t go there for tomorrow will come anyway and take care of itself. I\'m in pain. My heart is broken. My husband is gone, and it is difficult to move on. We don\'t have a choice but to move on.