Survived The Weekend
Survived the 3 day weekend. Really wasn't home. Was out more than I was in, but made a balance for I needed to chill out one afternoon, watch a good movie and do the laundry (running out of underwear and we can't have that). Took a ride to the cemetery, cried my eyes out, and talked, talked, talked, to my husband. It gives me a feeling of closeness, even though I know his soul is not there but is with me daily. Went to the primary physician yesterday. After much discussion, my meds were changed. I have started on Cymbalta today, and will see him again October 1. Also to take 1 mg of Lorazepam nightly for sleep, so I don't wake up until the alarm goes off. After 7 days I will cut the dosage in half, and remain on .5 MG for sleep. I can tell you that even though I don't like to rely on medication, it has been such a relief the last two nights to not wake up, have the mind start, and the anxicet set in. Our new life is fearful enough without the added anxiety and stress. I was actually able to walk into Wal-Mart this morning and not feel like I was in a cage. No anxiety, but actually enjoyed shopping for a stupid bed pillow. My husband would be proud of me. The counselor doesn't want me on meds that are going to mask the pain and feelings of grief that I need to experience to heal. The primary physician agreed with her and said the meds I am on will not do that. Also going to a bereavement group for the first time Monday evening. Don't want to go, but need to give it a try. Who knows? I may benefit from it. Gotta stop being a whimp and deciding something is not going to work before I try it. My primary also agreed with the counselor that everything I am experiencing is normal for losing one's spouse. After all, what more could be expected or be different since I lived and loved a wonderful person for 38 years of my life? I also told him the stupid comments made by others as to finding a boyfriend, the winter is going to be so hard, and the holidays are coming. He said in all the years of his experience he has heard it all, and to not pay attention to them. Everyone's grief journey is a personal one. There are no timetables, no rules, no expectations, no limits. We each need to find our way our own way, and with what we want to do. At some point in time, we do need to climb up out of the hole.