Survival

Carlos: Honey, the holidays have come and gone.  I survive them but I miss you very much. I found out that Christmas Eve was much harder than actual christmas day.  I think that I remembered all that we used to do on Christmas eve that the memories were very painful.  I miss your singing and cooking that you used to do.  I remember how you would always tell me " Linda, don't burn the food, turn the fire low, I don't know what you would do with the chef (as you called yourself).  I think that you have been guiding me because my food comes out so good that the kids are surprised.  I think you are around me all the time but I wish I could see, hug and kiss you.  Carlos, life without you is so hard and I am trying my best to make it through because I know that is what you expect and would want me to do.  Nevertheless, I feel lost and wonder why and how do I continue and what is the reason for it.  You were the reason I struggle so hard, you were the reason for me to want to be successful, you were the reason for me to keep the house clean, you were the reason for my smiles, laughter and tears, you were everything to me and now how and why should I continue.   Christmas day George and his family stopped by the gravesite to see you and I had breakfast with them.  We talked and remembered the wonderful times we had together.  I cried and tried to be brave and pretend that I am getting by fine which you know is not true.  Carmen and Ernesto stopped by and brought over their baby "Anthony Carlitos"  They gave him your name as his middle name.  He is such a beautiful baby and I know that you would have loved him if you were here because Carmen was your favorite neice.  Your brother Gus and Laura stopped by not because they wanted but because they had gone home to take me some food but I was not there so they knew that I would be a the gravesite so they came by.  Meli and Roxanna stopped by on the 26th to see you also.   I went to Ms. Irma and her family on the 26th to have dinner with them.  I had a good time, our daughter went with me which was so nice of her.  I had some Margaritas and then I think that they anger that I feel towards your family came out.  I am so mad with them because they have not visited you since I buried you.  They come all the way to Gus and Laura's house which is only 10-15 minutes away from the cementery but do not stop by to see you.  I hate them for all the pain the cause you and I know you forgave them but I cannot do it yet.  I remember that they never had time to visit you when you got sick and had to go to the hospital.  Forgive me Carlos but I am still angry at them for the way they were with you.  I know that they are only your half brother and sisters but still tell me which half is it because I honestly think it must be the bottom part that has no brains and heart.  You were so different than them and know I understand why the rest of your family, aunts, uncles and cousin never cared for them.  They are never invited to family gatherings and maybe that is why they are so miserable and unhappy.  You were so loved by your aunts, uncles and cousins that I think you never missed your brother and sisters love.  You always loved them and never had a bad feeling towards them.  You were a great person and that is why I love you but I am not like you and I am angry at them.  We stopped to see Laura and Gus and to take gifts to the kids late on christmas day and they were still there.  Your step mom got up and hugged us but your sisters just sat there and did not bother to say hi. Our  daugher and our son's girlfriend (she is so beautiful and a great young lady) went along with me.  Carlos as your family used to say you were much different from them and your personality was like your dad and they took out after their mom.  Sorry, honey but I am mad and I need to let it out.  Rosela would always tell me mom when I get married I will not invite them and I would always tell her you cannot do it because they are your aunts, well guess what honey, I agree with her and will respect her decision.  Gustavo has changed a little and tries to be there for me and the kids but I think it is because of Laura after all I am her sister.  Funny how two sisters ended up with two brothers but I know that you were the best catch and you know why I am say it.  I miss you so much and want you to know that life is not the same without you.  On New's Eve, again George and his family came over to the gravesite and stayed there with me for hours and then Ninfa and her kids came over and we stayed for about 3-4 hours there.  we left at about 9:30 that night.  We talked about you and how much you are missed.  I gave Ninfa a picture of your for your birthday in which you were hugging her and she said she keeps it by her bedside.  She looks at it every morning and that she misses you so much.  She was remembering when you guys were growing up and the mischief you got yourself into.   She is a great cousin and loves you very much.  She also understand the pain that I am going through since her husband passed away 12 years ago.  Have you met him in heaven?  Let him know that Ninfa and his kids miss him very much.  She said she dreams him a lot lucky her because I am not dreaming you.   Come in my dreams please Carlos.  December 31st was also Irma's son (Brian) birthday.  He was 21 years old and she has a hard time accepting his death.  I know that it is very hard since he was taken away from her and they have not found the person responsible for shoting him.  She is such a wonderful person and has helped me a lot.  She became a good friend of mine that I met while visiting you at the gravesite.  It has been 5 months now and we see each other everyday at the cementery.   I miss you Carlos and wish you could have been here for the holidays.  A new year brings without you by my side and the pain is here as it was at the beginning.  I know that you expect me to continue and I have realize that I have to do it but I want you to be by myside as I struggle to make it through.  I want to feel you beside me more than ever, I want to hear your voice encouraging me and I want you to come in my dreams.   I need you so desperately.  I remember the plans that we used to do at the begging of the year and how we tried to keep them but the losing weight never worked for us.  Well guess what I did not have to work on losing weight, it just happened.  After you passed away I lost weight and keep losing it. Carlos, I love you and please baby wait for me.  They say that there is no time in heaven and that you don't grow old and what seems like years here on earth it is only second in heaven so please honey wait for me at the gate when my time comes to meet up with you.  I promise you that I will not nag you and that I will take care of you.  I will never let you go again and will love you forever.  Please, guide Rosela and Said, help them to find their way, and let them know that you love them eventhough you are no longer her.  They miss you so much and they always say mom "I miss my dad"  They cry a lot for you although they want to be strong for me but I know that they are hurting.   Carlos, time goes by and Jan 4th it will 6 months since you were gone.  Six months of pain and tears, and longing to see and hear you again.  Six months of lonliness, sadness and misery of not having you here.  I love you Carlos.  Happy New Year my LOVE.  COME IN MY DREAMS. Love Linda  

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh my Linda - so much pain in your journal. Jan 4 will be 6 months for me too. I went to David\'s accident site on NYE and told him how much I loved him but that I had to start living again. I asked him for the strength and wisdom to forgive people I am angry at but for people that he had already forgiven. David was not a grudge holder.
This morning, David sat down on my bed. it was brief. i felt two depressions on my bed. it was at 544am. The exact time of death 24 saturday mornings ago. I will never, ever forget him but i have to make a choice to start living. You say in your journal that you keep asking why. I am reading a book called Life after Loss. It is very good. There is one universal answer to the questions WHY?

\"Because we were born into a mortal, frail, imperfect worl in which the word \"fair\" doesn\'t always apply.\"

Linda, we have to change our perception. My heart is aching for your pain. I am praying and praying and praying that you will find peace. it is obvious that you and Carlos shared an unbeleivable love. Don\'t worry. You still do and you will see him again one day.
love
Lisa - PS - we can pray for each other on the 4th. David\'s time of death was 544am. What was Carlos\'S?
gmk49
gmk49

the holidays over and i did them and as i look thru picture it all looks normnexcept my husband is not there giving his touch to all we did he was so creative and wanted everything to look just right for his kids and grandkids walked in i tried but it was not the same no matter how hard we tried i hate this and miss you so much when will i see u again you promised u would always be in my heart i need you in my arms saying dont cry honey i am here i miss you time isnt healing me
deleted_user
deleted_user

It has been a little over 14 months since I lost John. Reading these entries makes my heart just ache for each and every one of you - how well I remember those \"firsts\"; there were moments I was sure I would never be able to survive the unspeakable agony of my loss, the impenetrable loneliness that prevailed in spite of all the company around me.

Please, please believe me - it WILL get easier, but don\'t ever expect the pain to be completely gone. It eventually becomes a necessary thread in the fabric that makes up our days.

I have now lost both a husband AND a child and there was a time when I would have said that I could survive neither, nor could I ever smile or experience happiness again, but thank the Lord for His goodness, that has not been reality.

Linda, you are still here because God knows you are needed for His purposes here on earth; open your eyes and ears and, yes, your heart, and He will show you what His plans are.

We may never know on this earth the answer to why we are given such an incredible capacity to love another only to have to experience the agony of losing them, but we must never lose sight of the fact that our lives would be totally without color and joy if we had not been granted the gift of loving in the first place. And wasn\'t that God\'s greatest gift to us on the cross?

My deepest comfort is knowing that my Lord truly, truly does understand the depths of the pain and sorrow we feel - He walked this road long before any of us were born, you know.

My love and prayers are with each of you.

Vicki
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thank you Linda for sharing your personal thoughts. I hear the love in your words along with the pain of losing Carlos. You are doing everything that you can, unfortunately, it takes time. Give time time as they say.

By sharing your intimate thoughts you are really helping the others who read your journal. You express your love, pain, anxiety, frustration, and dreams so that others know they are not alone in this. Thanks. Take care. Joe
deleted_user
deleted_user

What a moving entry. Thanks, Linda, for sharing this. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Barbara
Glenda
Glenda

I so agree with Joe....That is waht DS is for...Keep writng my friend!! Big hug!
hawg
hawg

Linda, I feel the same pain as you, and yes I am mad at certain family members. Everyone here on DS feel the same emotions as you. I hope that this New Year brings us all Peace - you are in my prayers.
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe

Linda - I love your telling us of how Carlos was - the happy and silly memories - I can just picture him in the kitchen. I can so feel the pain in your post, and can so understand. Prayers and hugs for a peaceful place in our hurting hearts - Marsha
deleted_user
deleted_user

Linda
I am praying for you. I believe that heaven is so close to us. I think when loved ones go there they want us to enjoy our life here. I am sorry for your incredible pain. You are very young to endure this. I will pray for you. I am a 47 year old woman and see that you are close to my age- you are too young to be going through this. May this year bring you peace and comfort. PJ