Surviving
So many emotions, a different one every day, every hour, every minute. Loss, grief, anger, sadness, depression. Trying hard to be grateful for what I have but it is hard to see any good when the person who meant most to you in the whole world has gone.
I am doing better than I was, but I know that I will go the the dark place many many more times in this journey. In a split second your life will never be the same again and I will never be the same again. All my dreams and hopes for my life were swept away in that moment when a policeman knocked on my door. I too have had teh nightmare visions of my son walking into a field and suffocating himself, over and over again. He wrote some notes before he went and wrote 'Today is the most satisfying day of my life'? Well that day was the most devastating day of mine, didn't he think of me at all or realise what this would do to me. Did he love me? These thoughts torment and destroy.
So I have got to a point where I realise that the ONLY way to survive this is to find a place where I accept he chose to go away. It was what he wanted. I can only assume he was depressed and troubled or had mental illness we knew nothing about. He just couldnt face life. Of course I will never really know what was going on in his head, but I know it is essential for me to accept it and find peace, otherwise not only will it destroy me, but it will destroy all my happy memories that I have of him.
I loved him so much, more than life and any mother knows I would have given my life for him.
I have no partner or spouse, my Mom passed 5 years ago and i live with my Dad but we are not close and hardly talk. Friends have stopped calling and the only comfort I get is from knowing i am not alone and hearing from other Moms who know exactly how I feel.
I do have a lot to be grateful for. I am not on any medication at the moment. I live in a beautiful place by the sea and I don't have to work at the moment. I got a new puppy and even though I am exhausted she gets me out of bed in the morning.
I know i have a long hard journey ahead, but I know I will find happy places along the route.. I know my journey has no end until I join Toby in heaven, but I know I do not walk the road alone, all my friends on DS are walking with me.
God bless you all for sharing and comforting me
I am doing better than I was, but I know that I will go the the dark place many many more times in this journey. In a split second your life will never be the same again and I will never be the same again. All my dreams and hopes for my life were swept away in that moment when a policeman knocked on my door. I too have had teh nightmare visions of my son walking into a field and suffocating himself, over and over again. He wrote some notes before he went and wrote 'Today is the most satisfying day of my life'? Well that day was the most devastating day of mine, didn't he think of me at all or realise what this would do to me. Did he love me? These thoughts torment and destroy.
So I have got to a point where I realise that the ONLY way to survive this is to find a place where I accept he chose to go away. It was what he wanted. I can only assume he was depressed and troubled or had mental illness we knew nothing about. He just couldnt face life. Of course I will never really know what was going on in his head, but I know it is essential for me to accept it and find peace, otherwise not only will it destroy me, but it will destroy all my happy memories that I have of him.
I loved him so much, more than life and any mother knows I would have given my life for him.
I have no partner or spouse, my Mom passed 5 years ago and i live with my Dad but we are not close and hardly talk. Friends have stopped calling and the only comfort I get is from knowing i am not alone and hearing from other Moms who know exactly how I feel.
I do have a lot to be grateful for. I am not on any medication at the moment. I live in a beautiful place by the sea and I don't have to work at the moment. I got a new puppy and even though I am exhausted she gets me out of bed in the morning.
I know i have a long hard journey ahead, but I know I will find happy places along the route.. I know my journey has no end until I join Toby in heaven, but I know I do not walk the road alone, all my friends on DS are walking with me.
God bless you all for sharing and comforting me
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