Surviving
So many emotions, a different one every day, every hour, every minute. Loss, grief, anger, sadness, depression. Trying hard to be grateful for what I have but it is hard to see any good when the person who meant most to you in the whole world has gone.
I am doing better than I was, but I know that I will go the the dark place many many more times in this journey. In a split second your life will never be the same again and I will never be the same again. All my dreams and hopes for my life were swept away in that moment when a policeman knocked on my door. I too have had teh nightmare visions of my son walking into a field and suffocating himself, over and over again. He wrote some notes before he went and wrote 'Today is the most satisfying day of my life'? Well that day was the most devastating day of mine, didn't he think of me at all or realise what this would do to me. Did he love me? These thoughts torment and destroy.
So I have got to a point where I realise that the ONLY way to survive this is to find a place where I accept he chose to go away. It was what he wanted. I can only assume he was depressed and troubled or had mental illness we knew nothing about. He just couldnt face life. Of course I will never really know what was going on in his head, but I know it is essential for me to accept it and find peace, otherwise not only will it destroy me, but it will destroy all my happy memories that I have of him.
I loved him so much, more than life and any mother knows I would have given my life for him.
I have no partner or spouse, my Mom passed 5 years ago and i live with my Dad but we are not close and hardly talk. Friends have stopped calling and the only comfort I get is from knowing i am not alone and hearing from other Moms who know exactly how I feel.
I do have a lot to be grateful for. I am not on any medication at the moment. I live in a beautiful place by the sea and I don't have to work at the moment. I got a new puppy and even though I am exhausted she gets me out of bed in the morning.
I know i have a long hard journey ahead, but I know I will find happy places along the route.. I know my journey has no end until I join Toby in heaven, but I know I do not walk the road alone, all my friends on DS are walking with me.
God bless you all for sharing and comforting me
I am doing better than I was, but I know that I will go the the dark place many many more times in this journey. In a split second your life will never be the same again and I will never be the same again. All my dreams and hopes for my life were swept away in that moment when a policeman knocked on my door. I too have had teh nightmare visions of my son walking into a field and suffocating himself, over and over again. He wrote some notes before he went and wrote 'Today is the most satisfying day of my life'? Well that day was the most devastating day of mine, didn't he think of me at all or realise what this would do to me. Did he love me? These thoughts torment and destroy.
So I have got to a point where I realise that the ONLY way to survive this is to find a place where I accept he chose to go away. It was what he wanted. I can only assume he was depressed and troubled or had mental illness we knew nothing about. He just couldnt face life. Of course I will never really know what was going on in his head, but I know it is essential for me to accept it and find peace, otherwise not only will it destroy me, but it will destroy all my happy memories that I have of him.
I loved him so much, more than life and any mother knows I would have given my life for him.
I have no partner or spouse, my Mom passed 5 years ago and i live with my Dad but we are not close and hardly talk. Friends have stopped calling and the only comfort I get is from knowing i am not alone and hearing from other Moms who know exactly how I feel.
I do have a lot to be grateful for. I am not on any medication at the moment. I live in a beautiful place by the sea and I don't have to work at the moment. I got a new puppy and even though I am exhausted she gets me out of bed in the morning.
I know i have a long hard journey ahead, but I know I will find happy places along the route.. I know my journey has no end until I join Toby in heaven, but I know I do not walk the road alone, all my friends on DS are walking with me.
God bless you all for sharing and comforting me
Replies
Thank you for sharing. I see great determination and a will to not only survive but to live again as fully as you can. That\'s HUGE! And such a blessing. I have absolutely NO doubts that Toby loved, and still loves, you very much. I do not understand suicide, but can only imagine their pain, loss, confusion, mental state, must have been to them at such a level that all they could see was the relief they believed would come. I can\'t believe they thought of the pain and suffering it would cause...I don\'t think they were capable of seeing it that way.
I close my eyes and envision your \"beautiful place by the sea\" walking along side your new puppy. Oh the beautiful picture this paints in my mind. Allow yourself to enjoy the beauty around you and the unconditional love your puppy gives, and please keep sharing as I believe it is one the the best things we can do to help with our healing process. I love you my friend and send to wishes for a peaceful and relaxing day~~Teri.
I am so sorry you have to go throught this very deep pain of losing your child....and how he died is always going to be perplexing and tormenting...my son died by suicide, too. If you will, go to my page and down the left side where you will see MY GROUPS is Suicide Survivors...finding God in all of this....I believe you will find many informative articles and also a discussion forum where you can post questions and also look up topics that may help you. I was very troubled in the very beginning and was desperate for the answers I will never have until I get to heaven....and by then, it won\'t matter....I pray you will invite God\'s peace into your heart and know that He is with you every step of the way....I am here for you, because I can honestly say I know what it is like to lose a son to suicide. God bless you, hugs...dale, brandon\'s mom
I See that you have now met my friend Dale/Kingsdaughter, above, and that she gave you the info about the group I told you about. Hopefully her group can provide you with some helpful insights, but I don\'t really think anyone can ever really answer our own very personal \"whys?\" to our satisfaction. Eventually you come to terms with the fact that this side of Heaven there really are no answers, and by the time we get there, we may not remember the questions... Love and big hugs, Cherie
The whys and what if\'s can drive a person crazy. I try not to go down that path, it has gotten easier to avoid over the yrs. Sudden and unexpected death is very hard on the survivor\'s Not that illness is not , I feel you have answeres with an illness ( of why) but no one has answeres of how come. We will bond together and form our own strength by holding on to other Moms as we walk the path that has been chosen for us.
Hugs Penny