Survival

Carlos: Honey, the holidays have come and gone.  I survive them but I miss you very much. I found out that Christmas Eve was much harder than actual christmas day.  I think that I remembered all that we used to do on Christmas eve that the memories were very painful.  I miss your singing and cooking that you used to do.  I remember how you would always tell me " Linda, don't burn the food, turn the fire low, I don't know what you would do with the chef (as you called yourself).  I think that you have been guiding me because my food comes out so good that the kids are surprised.  I think you are around me all the time but I wish I could see, hug and kiss you.  Carlos, life without you is so hard and I am trying my best to make it through because I know that is what you expect and would want me to do.  Nevertheless, I feel lost and wonder why and how do I continue and what is the reason for it.  You were the reason I struggle so hard, you were the reason for me to want to be successful, you were the reason for me to keep the house clean, you were the reason for my smiles, laughter and tears, you were everything to me and now how and why should I continue.   Christmas day George and his family stopped by the gravesite to see you and I had breakfast with them.  We talked and remembered the wonderful times we had together.  I cried and tried to be brave and pretend that I am getting by fine which you know is not true.  Carmen and Ernesto stopped by and brought over their baby "Anthony Carlitos"  They gave him your name as his middle name.  He is such a beautiful baby and I know that you would have loved him if you were here because Carmen was your favorite neice.  Your brother Gus and Laura stopped by not because they wanted but because they had gone home to take me some food but I was not there so they knew that I would be a the gravesite so they came by.  Meli and Roxanna stopped by on the 26th to see you also.   I went to Ms. Irma and her family on the 26th to have dinner with them.  I had a good time, our daughter went with me which was so nice of her.  I had some Margaritas and then I think that they anger that I feel towards your family came out.  I am so mad with them because they have not visited you since I buried you.  They come all the way to Gus and Laura's house which is only 10-15 minutes away from the cementery but do not stop by to see you.  I hate them for all the pain the cause you and I know you forgave them but I cannot do it yet.  I remember that they never had time to visit you when you got sick and had to go to the hospital.  Forgive me Carlos but I am still angry at them for the way they were with you.  I know that they are only your half brother and sisters but still tell me which half is it because I honestly think it must be the bottom part that has no brains and heart.  You were so different than them and know I understand why the rest of your family, aunts, uncles and cousin never cared for them.  They are never invited to family gatherings and maybe that is why they are so miserable and unhappy.  You were so loved by your aunts, uncles and cousins that I think you never missed your brother and sisters love.  You always loved them and never had a bad feeling towards them.  You were a great person and that is why I love you but I am not like you and I am angry at them.  We stopped to see Laura and Gus and to take gifts to the kids late on christmas day and they were still there.  Your step mom got up and hugged us but your sisters just sat there and did not bother to say hi. Our  daugher and our son's girlfriend (she is so beautiful and a great young lady) went along with me.  Carlos as your family used to say you were much different from them and your personality was like your dad and they took out after their mom.  Sorry, honey but I am mad and I need to let it out.  Rosela would always tell me mom when I get married I will not invite them and I would always tell her you cannot do it because they are your aunts, well guess what honey, I agree with her and will respect her decision.  Gustavo has changed a little and tries to be there for me and the kids but I think it is because of Laura after all I am her sister.  Funny how two sisters ended up with two brothers but I know that you were the best catch and you know why I am say it.  I miss you so much and want you to know that life is not the same without you.  On New's Eve, again George and his family came over to the gravesite and stayed there with me for hours and then Ninfa and her kids came over and we stayed for about 3-4 hours there.  we left at about 9:30 that night.  We talked about you and how much you are missed.  I gave Ninfa a picture of your for your birthday in which you were hugging her and she said she keeps it by her bedside.  She looks at it every morning and that she misses you so much.  She was remembering when you guys were growing up and the mischief you got yourself into.   She is a great cousin and loves you very much.  She also understand the pain that I am going through since her husband passed away 12 years ago.  Have you met him in heaven?  Let him know that Ninfa and his kids miss him very much.  She said she dreams him a lot lucky her because I am not dreaming you.   Come in my dreams please Carlos.  December 31st was also Irma's son (Brian) birthday.  He was 21 years old and she has a hard time accepting his death.  I know that it is very hard since he was taken away from her and they have not found the person responsible for shoting him.  She is such a wonderful person and has helped me a lot.  She became a good friend of mine that I met while visiting you at the gravesite.  It has been 5 months now and we see each other everyday at the cementery.   I miss you Carlos and wish you could have been here for the holidays.  A new year brings without you by my side and the pain is here as it was at the beginning.  I know that you expect me to continue and I have realize that I have to do it but I want you to be by myside as I struggle to make it through.  I want to feel you beside me more than ever, I want to hear your voice encouraging me and I want you to come in my dreams.   I need you so desperately.  I remember the plans that we used to do at the begging of the year and how we tried to keep them but the losing weight never worked for us.  Well guess what I did not have to work on losing weight, it just happened.  After you passed away I lost weight and keep losing it. Carlos, I love you and please baby wait for me.  They say that there is no time in heaven and that you don't grow old and what seems like years here on earth it is only second in heaven so please honey wait for me at the gate when my time comes to meet up with you.  I promise you that I will not nag you and that I will take care of you.  I will never let you go again and will love you forever.  Please, guide Rosela and Said, help them to find their way, and let them know that you love them eventhough you are no longer her.  They miss you so much and they always say mom "I miss my dad"  They cry a lot for you although they want to be strong for me but I know that they are hurting.   Carlos, time goes by and Jan 4th it will 6 months since you were gone.  Six months of pain and tears, and longing to see and hear you again.  Six months of lonliness, sadness and misery of not having you here.  I love you Carlos.  Happy New Year my LOVE.  COME IN MY DREAMS. Love Linda