Surgery

I came home from the hospital on Thursday.  I had surgery on Wednesday morning.  I thought that I was never going to make it out of the hospital.  I thought that I was going to die in surgery.  However, I didn't.  I was so greatful that my therapist came to the hospital before my surgery.  She was the only one that I wanted back by me before I went in.  Amy said very nice things that were comforting.  She also told the doctors and the nurses to say positive things to me while I was back in surgery.  I wanted to jump off the table until my therapist came into the room.  However, she had worked so long and hard with me I just had to go through with the surgery.  There was a nurse that was leaning over my body before I was wheeled back into surgery.  She saw how I was crying and shaking.  She told me do I believe in God or am I a religious person.  Oh boy!  Just what I needed right before surgery.  I have a lot of PTSD in regards to this issue.  However, she must have said something to me or slipped something into my iv because I don't even remember going back into surgery.  The first thing that I remember is Amy leaving, and my family and my friend saying goodbye to me while I was going back or at least I think that they did.  When I woke up I was in a huge room with yellow and blue suits.  Some people were moaning.  I fell back to sleep.  Then I remember being in a room where it was so cold.  I was shivering.  I couldn't get warm.  I was scared.  Then I remember getting terribly sick.  My eye swelled up and I got a migraine.  Next thing I knew I started throwing  up and couldn't stop.  The nurses gave me something to stop throwing up.  However, it made me sicker.  At this point, I wished that I had died and I didn't think that I was going to make it out of the hospital.  I remember a mean nurse telling me that I was going to be admitted and to have someone take my purse home with them.  The next thing I knew the doctor that did my surgery came in.  He said, "  You don't look good.  I am admitting you. "  My husband kept telling me, you will never get admitted.  You are not that bad.  Yeah, right.  I remember waking up and there was a dinner tray before me.  I had lost about 8 hours of my day and I have no memory of it.  Wow!!!!  I tried to suck on a piece of honeydew melon.  What a mistake that was.  No sooner did it hit my tongue, I was throwing up again.  How embarassing.  My step daughter, friend(best friend) now, and daughter were in the room.  I offered all my dinner to them because I could not eat.  I was happy that they came to be with me.  However, at the same time I was in sooooo much pain, I didn't want anyone in there.  No one was giving me anything for the pain because I couldn't stop throwing up.  I thought, if this is Hell, I sure don't want to be in there.  Melissa, my friend, offered to take Kristin over night.  I thought that was very sweet of her.  She is like a sister to me.  I so like this new friendship thing.  I can really get used to this.  I never thought that I could get close to someone again after my best friend past away from lung cancer.  However, I am trying very hard.  My friend came over and was rubbing my back while I was puking my guts out.  Again, I was very embarassed that I was throwing up.  By then I had had it. I had it with the pain.  I was upset that I thought that I was going to die in surgery and I didn't.  I was going down fast and I didn't know what to do.  I didn't want to bother Amy because she had just seen me in the morning and it was after 8 p.m.  She has a life too.  I asked the nurse assigned to me to call a psy. doctor on call.  I hadn't taken my prozac for too days.  I know now why my tongue is feeling so funky.  I can't believe it.  I read the sheets that the nurse gave to me about the medicine.  When your tongue is tingling and stinging it means that you are having an allergic reaction to the medication.  I can't believe this.  I had finally found a medicine that I could take and it is really, really helping me. Now I have to call my psy doctor on Monday and tell him what I experienced in the hospital.  Anyway back to the hospital, the nurse said that there are no on call psy. doctors for St. Mary's hospital.  She said that she would have to call my therapist.  Crap!  I didn't want to bother Amy.  Amy was so nice though.  She called me back right away.  She asked what she could do for me.  I told her that I was having a very low moment.  I was.  I didn't tell her that the nurse took my prozac and my lorazapem away from me just in case I tried to overdose in the hospital.  However, when the nurse did that, all the crap from when I did overdose came rushing back at me.  I apologized to Amy.  I thanked her for calling me.  While I was talking to her, my friend, Melissa, and my sister were in the room.  I wish that they would have excused themselves and stepped out.  However, that was a lot to ask of them to do.  My sister said," You don't need that crap, just snap out of it.  I was on the war path.  I couldn't believe that she said that to me.  I could see that my sister didn't really want to be visiting me in the hospital.  Why in the heck did she even bother then.  My friend and sister both left and I was all alone.  I couldn't take it anymore.  Oh, when my sister was up there, she had seen my stomach.  She screamed at me, "They put Betadine on you.  No wonder you are puking your guts out and are so sick. "  Me being the nervous wreck that I am about medicine, started freaking out.  If my sister was that concerned about me, she would have went out into the hallway and gotten the nurse for me.  I paged the nurse and the nurse had me do a sits bath in the room in front of my sister and my friend.  They put that stuff from under my breasts all the way down to past my hips.  All orange.  My gown was bloody in the belly button area where they cut me.  It felt good to wash all that crap off of me.  I also got a new gown.  I called home to see if my husband could come back up and be with me.  He said that once the kids fell asleep he would come up.  My nurse came back in to help me.  She said that she had suffered from post pardum depression and she was on medication.  I could tell that she was trying to make me feel better.  I ended up getting a suspotory of tylenol after she mixed my liquid tylenol in with applesauce and I threw that up.  When the nurse injected compozine into my iv, I finally stopped throwing up and fell asleep.  I slept on and off.  Jamie left without waking me up or leaving me a note.  I asked the nurse and she said that he had left.  That was around 3 in the morning.  I saw the doctor around 8.  He said that I could go home.  I was excited and nervous all at the same time.  I was worried that even though I was in pain in the hospital, I thought that I was going to feel even more pain when I got home.  Jamie and my dad visited me in the hospital before I checked out.  Breakfast came around 9 am.  I never knew nasty hospital oatmeal could taste so good.  I ate that and half a bagel.  I took a shower and felt ready to go.  When I got home my friend, Melissa, came over to see how I was doing.  I thought that was nice of her.  My father in law also came over.  The pain was really intense that night.  I was regretting having the surgery.  I was too afraid to take the pain pill prescribed for me even though the psych doctor and my family doctor said that it was okay for me to take.  I am going to force 1 teaspoon of tylenol down me.  The recommended dose is 2 tablespoons.  Why am I so afraid to take medicine?  I hate being like this?  I wish that I could get over this.  Please help  me!!!!!