Super bowel Sunday

Alright what the hell is wrong with me? AH is being as close to kind and loving as he has ever been, but still I feel a strong undercurrent of negativity, impatience, and aggression coming from him. I am tired of blaming myself and feeling guilty and having no idea what I have done to deserve this veiled foment. I am not perfect, but I have learned that he often uses this kind of subtle energy to control the situation and and his own insecurities. He says he feels his RBC dropping, we were at a social function where he could not drink ( and I did), his back hurts, and after approx. 17 years he still has not accepted his diagnosis of diabetes. All in all, he just cannot get a handle on his health issues , both physical and emotional. He views himself as a handicapped invalid.Now...... He does have legit medical. Has been granted New York State disability etc. but seems not to be doing what he can to live a contented grateful and HEALTHY life.I realized why this elicits NO sympathy from me, just profound irritability and impatience.My mother, who is now in her mid 80s, has always, from my earliest remembering, used illness as an attention getting device. Her insecurities and poor choices heaped mountains of pain and guilt on our whole family. She continues with this behavior to this day! I just don't want to be the caregiver to crazy any more. The constant depression, irritability, and inability to look outward to others is hard to live with and retain any sort of joy in his presence. I am just so tired of WAITING, it seems to be one thing after another, just like my mom. Okay... Now to answer my original question: what the hell is wrong with me? Nothing, I choose to find joy where I can, I choose to work on not getting sucked into other people's sh*t, I choose to follow my heart and my intuition, I choose to give up the guilt. Be miserable by yourself and leave me out of it.