Sunday morning thoughts
Sunday morning....and again....didn't gamble last night. It is amazing to me now how I go through an entire Sat. evening without even a thought of wanting to gamble. Saturdays were my biggest trigger day, because I gambled every Saturday until say....4 or 5 or even 6 am sunday every week for yrs.! I set up my business not to open until noon on sunday to accomodate this! July 1 will be my 6 mos. anniversary quitting gambling....and the 1st two or three mos....Sat. continued to be hard for me. With time....now it isn't! Saying that, I know that I am not "cured." I am only one bet away from returning to the despair, self-destruction, and self-hatred I experienced when I was destroying myself with gambling. The monster is still there...in the cage...waiting for me to get careless...waiting for me to decide it is safe to let him out to play....just quiet now, as he is not being fed..... Thinking that makes me feel a little sad....that I can't be cured....but....this is reality....the monster of addiction that nearly ate me alive.....is always there....but ODAAT.....I will not gamble....and I will survive...and even thrive!....with the help of my precious friends here. Much love to you all.......xoxo......Dianne
Replies
you know, we as business owners, have alot of freedom in some instances that others don\'t, but by the same token, if we don\'t work, we don\'t eat..no time clock, no one else writes our paycheck. its not any tougher, its just that all we had to answer to was ourselves as an employer..we had the luxury, if you will, of setting our hours to accomodate our lifestyle, but I don\'t know where we found the time to dilly dally around, and I gotta say, I don\'t know how I would function walking in at 5 or 6 am, hitting the coffee pot to the \'on\' position, splash water on the face, and head for the desk....somehow, someway, making it thru the day without falling down asleep. I have a hard time now staying awake for the 10 pm news...LOL....You are right, it is sad that there is no cure for us, but in reality, now we hold the \'cards\'....we make sure the deck isn\'t stacked against us, by staying in recovery, keeping those demons starved of what they need to survive...all we can do is keep ourselves fed, and nourished, in recovery, so that we can have the strength to continue one day at a time....the strength to stay aware of our addiction, and aware of what can happen if we don\'t...I don\'t think I could survive another round, it has taken me a year to get to this point, and as far as I am concerned, I won\'t go down without one hell of a fight! I am with you on the ODAAT, and together, with all of our friends and family here, we will see it thru each day.
enjoy the rest of your weekend, we\'ll be GF come Monday morning, again!!!!
xo
D
so true that there is never a cure. its one of the hardest things to accept, that you will never be cured, that you have to be on constant vigilence, that you can never just go in a casino and have a good time like normal vacationers do.
you cant go in to a casino to \'just eat\' at the all you can eat king crab buffet. never.
im getting better with the battle and realizing things like this.
congrats on your 6 months!!! you have done wonderful.
hugs
It is wonderful to know freedom, especially when you have known the opposite. I know the thankful heart you have. You should be proud of all the work you have put into your recovery each and every day and the support you give others.
Hugs to you today, thank you for the blessing that you are.
Suzi
Dianne - Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! I am very proud of you. Yourself and others on this site give me so much hope and inspiration for the future. Right now, I can\'t even imagine a 6 month anniversary. Keep up the good work, I know that you will :) Annette
Six months is wonderful! Just think about all the rest you get now. Oh how I remember those nights, playing till the machines shut down, (here the small gaming rooms the machines shut down automaticly around 3:00 to 3:30AM), and realize that the alarm will be going off in 31/2 hours. But it\'s OK, because you are so upset about losing everything that you don\'t sleep anyway. I\'m so proud of you!!! Peace and Love. Patty
Diane - I am so inspired by you that I will make it to six months also. I too remember those nights of gambling till early morning, going home broke and having to go to work on no sleep. Now I get the sleep I need, have money to do things I want too and most of all my self-respect. This is so much better than gambling and feeling horrible. Thanks again for the hope and inspiration.
Dianne,
Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! That is really great. It helps me to hear your story and how you have gotten to this point. Thank you for sharing all that you do on this site; you help so many people put things into perspective. Thank you for being such an inspiration to us all!
Hugs,
Smokeygirl
Congratulations on coming up on six months of clean time! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a strong, supportive and inspiring force for me. You are helping me so much in my battle and to know that you really care about me is a lifeline...something to hold onto during the really tough times.
Lots of love to my special friend.
Thanks for that journal entry. I\'ll never be cured either. That is sad, maybe cos\' it doesn\'t fit into my idea of a perfect world. I know there are lots of diseases without cures. I know there are lots of people out there beating the odds, surviving and even thriving! You and me, Dianne! Thriving survivors! Feels so good, huh? I\'m so grateful for recovery :) I can imagine my life any differently now that I\'m in recovery! Sometimes I get a bit sad thinking I\'ve wasted so much of my life already on insanity and addictions. But that\'s looking back, I don\'t want to do that. I\'m staying in the moment, grateful for today. Saturday nights rock! I\'m so happy you\'re not feeling the old urge to gamble on Saturday nights anymore :) Good job...gambling free 8 days a week! Love, Robin
Glad to hear your CE trip went well, and your 6 mo anniversary is wonderful. I too remember how my life was engulfed with the demons, always wanting to be fed not only my money, but my self esteem , dignity, they wanted it all. WTG on staying GF, you are an inspiration.
^ months comin up,
The Kimbers will be jumping up and down on the computer table clapping and cheering :)
Kimbers Monster Obedience School.
1. Always let Monster Know you are the one in charge.
2. He does not do food, so never feed him.
3. Never be afraid of your Monster,(refer to #1)
4. I don\'t know about your Monster but mine runs for the hills when I start yellin at him.
5. You have the leash, USE IT!.
And the most important one:
6. Monster Knocked, God answered, and no one was there. :)
Love ya,
Hugsssssssssss
oooops for got the 6 to go with months, my badness. :)