Sunday melt-down and comfort ye
A wee update.
Yesterday we had silent candles at church and I lit one for Andy and that plus the piano music which was "He shall lead his flock" (from the Messiah) really dissolved my composure and I basically cried through the rest of the service which was interesting considering I was standing up in the choir and singing, etc. Sigh.
I was talking with some friends afterwards, though, and had a sort of breakthrough regarding the Tree. Everyone says to do what I want, and follow my heart, yeah yeah yeah, but I really wasn't sure WHAT I wanted in the Christmas Tree department. Have one or not. Where to put it. How to trim it. See... this is really the first REAL Christmas since Andy died, in a way. Last year we had no kitchen to cook in or place for a tree since the addition was under construction. This year, each thing associated with the holidays feels like a first. Many surprise melt-downs. In the car, in the gym, in a store, in a shower...
The solution that feels right to me to to get a living tree. Drew and I went out late yesterday and bought a really nice little Canaan Fir that will get huge someday, lol. I think Andy would have really liked this idea. He hated any waste and wasn't shy about telling you! It only cost a little more than a cut tree. It's now sitting outside our french doors with little white lights on it since they said it should only be inside for 4-5 days at the most. It looks like Christmas is wrapping itself with warmth and love around my house now, because I put two little (cut) trees at the front door with white lights. On Christmas Eve, we'll bring the Canaan Fir inside and trim it. Next year, it will be planted in front of the house and it will become THE Christmas Tree at the end of the block, warming our hearts every time we're headed home.
Oh one of the sad parts after church yesterday was being with my 92 yo friend ML (whose son died in August... I've written about her) and she was at first horrified that I was crying because I am 18 months ahead of her and shouldn't I be feeling better by now? Will she still be in such unbearable pain in 18 months? I said, well, look at it this way. In 18 months if and when you do have a weepy day, you will remember this day, and you will feel some comfort that it is normal. NORMAL to miss our children for years. Instead of wondering what the heck is wrong with her for not having gotten over it, she'll remember that it's ok... and real... and it's love... and I learned this from YOU guys, here at FMO. <group hug!>
A happy thing is that I dropped in on my Aunt Penny and Uncle Bill who just moved here from Newfoundland, and they are SO dear. They gave me an OWL woodcut print made by one of my deceased aunts, Faith, and a painting by their deceased son, my cousin Edward, AND a jar of raspberry jam from their old home in Nfld. And we will have many more good days together, many good talks, much love to share. Penny is the one who became a minister at age 70, and who said to me when I said I couldn't find any hope for my other aunt, her sister Betsy (yes my father had 5 sisters!), "Sarah you do not need to find hope. That is not your work. You only have to love what you love."
I'll put forth the green smiley because I have so much love and support at this very tender time. And because if I can get it planted early in the spring, our tree is going to be green for the rest of my life. There are things to look forward to and things to be thankful for.
It came without ribbons. It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store?
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?
Yesterday we had silent candles at church and I lit one for Andy and that plus the piano music which was "He shall lead his flock" (from the Messiah) really dissolved my composure and I basically cried through the rest of the service which was interesting considering I was standing up in the choir and singing, etc. Sigh.
I was talking with some friends afterwards, though, and had a sort of breakthrough regarding the Tree. Everyone says to do what I want, and follow my heart, yeah yeah yeah, but I really wasn't sure WHAT I wanted in the Christmas Tree department. Have one or not. Where to put it. How to trim it. See... this is really the first REAL Christmas since Andy died, in a way. Last year we had no kitchen to cook in or place for a tree since the addition was under construction. This year, each thing associated with the holidays feels like a first. Many surprise melt-downs. In the car, in the gym, in a store, in a shower...
The solution that feels right to me to to get a living tree. Drew and I went out late yesterday and bought a really nice little Canaan Fir that will get huge someday, lol. I think Andy would have really liked this idea. He hated any waste and wasn't shy about telling you! It only cost a little more than a cut tree. It's now sitting outside our french doors with little white lights on it since they said it should only be inside for 4-5 days at the most. It looks like Christmas is wrapping itself with warmth and love around my house now, because I put two little (cut) trees at the front door with white lights. On Christmas Eve, we'll bring the Canaan Fir inside and trim it. Next year, it will be planted in front of the house and it will become THE Christmas Tree at the end of the block, warming our hearts every time we're headed home.
Oh one of the sad parts after church yesterday was being with my 92 yo friend ML (whose son died in August... I've written about her) and she was at first horrified that I was crying because I am 18 months ahead of her and shouldn't I be feeling better by now? Will she still be in such unbearable pain in 18 months? I said, well, look at it this way. In 18 months if and when you do have a weepy day, you will remember this day, and you will feel some comfort that it is normal. NORMAL to miss our children for years. Instead of wondering what the heck is wrong with her for not having gotten over it, she'll remember that it's ok... and real... and it's love... and I learned this from YOU guys, here at FMO. <group hug!>
A happy thing is that I dropped in on my Aunt Penny and Uncle Bill who just moved here from Newfoundland, and they are SO dear. They gave me an OWL woodcut print made by one of my deceased aunts, Faith, and a painting by their deceased son, my cousin Edward, AND a jar of raspberry jam from their old home in Nfld. And we will have many more good days together, many good talks, much love to share. Penny is the one who became a minister at age 70, and who said to me when I said I couldn't find any hope for my other aunt, her sister Betsy (yes my father had 5 sisters!), "Sarah you do not need to find hope. That is not your work. You only have to love what you love."
I'll put forth the green smiley because I have so much love and support at this very tender time. And because if I can get it planted early in the spring, our tree is going to be green for the rest of my life. There are things to look forward to and things to be thankful for.
It came without ribbons. It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store?
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?
Replies
Oh, Sarah ~ you have made my morning! Loved the final bit from the Grinch. Our family has always loved that story!
And what a perfect symbolic tree of renewal, care, beauty, peace, comfort, life ~ Andy is smiling for sure. I feel peaceful just thinking about your beautiful, welcoming home embraced in the loveliness of Christmas.
Sending so much love and big, warm Christmas tree hugs ~ Debbie
TEARS,Sarah....and chill bumps...as I read and reread this most meaningful post.. I can barely keep my own composure when at church and some hymns strike my heart like a sledge hammer...especially at this emotional time of Christmas.
I love the ending with the quote from \"How the Grinch Stole Christmas\"....I do love the idea of a permanent tree.. a live tree....a LIVING tree...after all...it is life that goes on in a most perfect form because of the birth of a Savior...May God bless you and give you peace ....hugs, dale..brandon\'s mom
Celebrating with you, your spiritual holiday. love ya, abby
thank you for understanding. I have added the missing parts of the story above, too. : }
\"Sarah you do not need to find hope....\" ... my friend, YOU \"are\" hope, to me, to many. Thank you \'Rah.
Will look forward to rounding the end of your block, again ... and seeing Christmas on that very day.
x o x o x o x o x
What an uplifting journal.
I love the real tree that will remain!
Best wishes!
Love, Marlene
Meltdowns during church music...brings back many memories for me of just that happening. I had the semi-privacy of a pew to sit in though! Oh well...just goes to show we are fully human (even Jesus wept in public!).
Your tree idea sounds so beautiful...and HEALTHY! and I can imagine that tree you planted, years later bringing joy to all that see it. Christmas trees are just so wonderful in so many ways...just like your Andy!
Love+Hugs, Donna
I adore the idea of a forever tree symbolizing so much of what is important to Andy. I know it will be nurtured, loved and grow into a tree that will bring so much to the critters that will visit it and to all who will witness its beauty and growth.
Your MIL will remember your words and most of all the sharing of your heart about the tears coming as they may \"three\" or \"thirty\" years from now.
Always your willingness to share your path as you do is so very generous, helpful and filled with a truly caring heart. Thank you!
Our pines are homes to quail, woodpeckers, squirrels... just to name a few. Perhaps an owl or two may perch on yours? :) I remember hearing owls when I was in summer camp in North Brooksville, Maine.
Love to Andy, your bunny and to you.
XO Joanie
A lovely journal with which to start the day. The living tree has always been my favorite idea. I stopped buying chopped trees years ago. Even though I know they are farmed deliberately, it still feels wrong to kill a tree. The living tree goes on forever (these fir trees can live 100 years or more). As for meltdowns, well they\'re a part of life now.
jill
beautiful......love and light to you....and yours.....
It sounds like you have found what feels right. It wams my heart to know you have a tree, that it feels good and that it is a gift that will continue to give. And, each time you see it you will think of Andy...love to you...
Hello Sarah, Even after 11 years of Christmases without Tamzin, I still find it so sad. I\'ve been crying alot for months about lots of things and Tamzin is always the top of or maybe I should say at the bottom of everything... I mean it\'s always there, hurting.
You have alot of strength Sarah..
I think I have had a few years in these last 11 when I felt better & put up a small tree, decorated it even, but since I have been single again these last 3 years now, I just cant face it. The loss of Tamzin, as well as being alone and sad from being left, is just really too hard and I am at the moment not on here much because I am struggling. I liked what your old friend said about \'hope\'.. thanks Sarah, thank you for your lovely writings. I am happy you have a cosy Chistmasy feeling home this year for your family and always endless LOve for your Andy... xxxx LOve to you always xxxxx