Sunday, June 7th

Mom passed away yesterday around 4:30 in the afternoon. I heard a soft intake of breath, it sounded like. I looked over at Bev, napping in the recliner between me and mom. Then I looked at Mom. I could not see Mom's chest rising and falling. I went to Mom and looked closer - I still saw no breathing. I woke Bev and told her I thought Mom was dead. Bev walked over and checked Mom's pulse on her arm and under her ear and could not find a pulse.
I have not collapsed or sobbed uncontrollably yet. I did sob for a long time 2 days ago .... it felt I had already lost Mom, and in many ways I guess I already had. I've had some crying jags here and there over the last few days. I wish I could have understood the words Mom was saying in the ER 2 days ago. She repeated them exactly, whatever they were, 2 or 3 times for me, but I could not understand :(
Bev wanted to have Mom with us last night. The Hospice nurse who came out to check on Mom after we made the call that Mom had passed away said we could even have the person up to 3 days before the body would have to go to the crematorium. She suggested taking off any heavy clothing or blankets, and even putting the fan directed at Mom. Bev and I did that.
Mom has gotten so cold :(  
Yesterday while the nurse (Michelle, very sweet woman) was here, she spoke about what we'd like Mom to wear. Bev and I had already decided on the pink night shirt with hearts Bev had gotten Mom, and the booty slippers Bev had gotten for me, which I had given to Mom. I put these on Mom, but didn't get the tee shirt nightie all the way down Mom's back. Mom said after she's gone, her body is just a shell, and she is no longer there. I have to remember that and respect that and cling to that. It's going to be hard when they take Mom away today. Michelle ran her finger over Mom's forehead, and said she could tell Mom had gone peacefully. There was no furrowing of brow, no worry lines, etc. Mom's forehead was clear and smooth.
Bev and I made some calls, and have decided on Ocean View Cremation to be the company to do Mom's cremation. They make the most sense, the crematorium is going to be in Castro Valley, I believe, and meantime for 4-5 days, Mom will be kept refrigerated in a Hayward facility. It will be around $850 total, I believe. Mom wanted the most economical way.
I just wish Mom and I had had "that last conversation" where Mom speaks of me and my future, what she wishes for me, what she hopes for, how she'll miss me, loves me, etc.  I have had the conversations where Mom is very concerned about me and Bev, and how we'll do financially. I assured Mom I will treat her money after she's gone very carefully, and not make rash purchases, etc. 
I wish I had had that last conversation, though.
One thing Mom had said to me while she was at Alameda Health and Wellness nursing home, was "You've been a good daughter." :)  I'm glad Mom thinks so. I tried, I really did.
I love you Mom, and I always will.