Sunday July 26, 3 am-ish
Sunday, 3:23 am
Just tucked in Ma and Pa, changed diapers and they are in for the night (I hope). Ma's day yesterday was a little better than Friday. I am contacting her doctor on Monday about her depression (she needs new meds, hers are not working anymore). Fortunately Papa is ok.
I decided to stay up tonight and have some me time (probably not the wisest decision) but sometimes I just can't sleep. I need to do the dishes and the laundry and get a bath, and now is as good of a time as any to do that. Plus I can even work on my WRAP (Wellness and Recovery Action Plan) and my Religious conversion course and even some aerobics, or whatever. Or organize. I am so unorganized. I hate it. Since so much of my time has been going to care giving I haven't had the time like I used to to devote to putting everything in its place.
Plus I bought more books. I haven't even finished the ones I have, some of which are in boxes because I ran out of room for them. I am going to hire Javier the handyman to build me a couple of shelves behind the door to stack up the smaller ones and make room for some of the others on the existing shelves. I bought one used book tonight. After this, no more books for a while. Good thing there are no book eating bugs here: they would have a field day. I have a couple of Kindles around, one mine, one of Mom's, I ought to look for them, they don't take up much space. The only disadvantages to them are you can't write in them and you can't browse in them and flip pages like one can in regular books. And I love to write in my books. Especially my workbooks. It's because I know that if I write in my books nobody will try to claim them as theirs and take them. It makes them more like a friend I am having a conversation with. I underline in multiple colors and write in the margins. Notes, comments, questions for myself. I "personalize" them so to speak.
I love being up at this hour. One of my favorite things to do when I was on my own was to go for a drive at four in the morning. So quiet. Just have to watch out for the drunk/impaired drivers who run the red lights. When I am at home and up and it happens to be four thirty, I make pancakes. Maybe I will wait until morning reall is here and make Mom blueberry pancakes. She would like that.
I feel so bad about Mom having such a bad depression. I can't believe she didn't realize that she was depressed until today. Her denial system is very strong. She also thinks with many cognitive distortions. I have been trying to educate her about those. She awfulizes a lot. All or nothing thinking. "Must" ing, The whole gambit. I am going to get out one of my books that lists the cognitive distortions and educate her. Or maybe not, her concentration skills are terrible right now.
One thing I notice is she doesn't always want to look me in the eye. What was it she told me? She doesn't want me to see her "whole soul?" I told her that in a way depression is anger turned inward, and I know that she is angry about many things. Her illnesses, being disabled, the depression itself, being replaced at her church position. The counselor she was seeing wanted her to journal. She is an English major: a natural writer, yet she found it extraordinarily difficult to express herself. I think she was afraid to see what she would discover about herself. She is so scared. She has such anxiety and gets panic attacks nearly every day. She seems so vulnerable. Funny how the tables have turned.
So here I am free at last, so many things I can do now, I don't know what to do first. I suppose the dishes. Then a reward. Then laundry and then another reward. And so on. OR maybe I will try and go to bed and read. I am thinking now of the oxygen mask rule and how caregivers have to take care of themselves too. Sleep is important, especially for us bipolars. But I don't wanna sleep I want to play. OK time out. DO the next right thing.
Now I am going to end this entry and go rest. I could go on ad infinitum, I am feeling very verbose. But here I will stop. More later.
Ayla
Just tucked in Ma and Pa, changed diapers and they are in for the night (I hope). Ma's day yesterday was a little better than Friday. I am contacting her doctor on Monday about her depression (she needs new meds, hers are not working anymore). Fortunately Papa is ok.
I decided to stay up tonight and have some me time (probably not the wisest decision) but sometimes I just can't sleep. I need to do the dishes and the laundry and get a bath, and now is as good of a time as any to do that. Plus I can even work on my WRAP (Wellness and Recovery Action Plan) and my Religious conversion course and even some aerobics, or whatever. Or organize. I am so unorganized. I hate it. Since so much of my time has been going to care giving I haven't had the time like I used to to devote to putting everything in its place.
Plus I bought more books. I haven't even finished the ones I have, some of which are in boxes because I ran out of room for them. I am going to hire Javier the handyman to build me a couple of shelves behind the door to stack up the smaller ones and make room for some of the others on the existing shelves. I bought one used book tonight. After this, no more books for a while. Good thing there are no book eating bugs here: they would have a field day. I have a couple of Kindles around, one mine, one of Mom's, I ought to look for them, they don't take up much space. The only disadvantages to them are you can't write in them and you can't browse in them and flip pages like one can in regular books. And I love to write in my books. Especially my workbooks. It's because I know that if I write in my books nobody will try to claim them as theirs and take them. It makes them more like a friend I am having a conversation with. I underline in multiple colors and write in the margins. Notes, comments, questions for myself. I "personalize" them so to speak.
I love being up at this hour. One of my favorite things to do when I was on my own was to go for a drive at four in the morning. So quiet. Just have to watch out for the drunk/impaired drivers who run the red lights. When I am at home and up and it happens to be four thirty, I make pancakes. Maybe I will wait until morning reall is here and make Mom blueberry pancakes. She would like that.
I feel so bad about Mom having such a bad depression. I can't believe she didn't realize that she was depressed until today. Her denial system is very strong. She also thinks with many cognitive distortions. I have been trying to educate her about those. She awfulizes a lot. All or nothing thinking. "Must" ing, The whole gambit. I am going to get out one of my books that lists the cognitive distortions and educate her. Or maybe not, her concentration skills are terrible right now.
One thing I notice is she doesn't always want to look me in the eye. What was it she told me? She doesn't want me to see her "whole soul?" I told her that in a way depression is anger turned inward, and I know that she is angry about many things. Her illnesses, being disabled, the depression itself, being replaced at her church position. The counselor she was seeing wanted her to journal. She is an English major: a natural writer, yet she found it extraordinarily difficult to express herself. I think she was afraid to see what she would discover about herself. She is so scared. She has such anxiety and gets panic attacks nearly every day. She seems so vulnerable. Funny how the tables have turned.
So here I am free at last, so many things I can do now, I don't know what to do first. I suppose the dishes. Then a reward. Then laundry and then another reward. And so on. OR maybe I will try and go to bed and read. I am thinking now of the oxygen mask rule and how caregivers have to take care of themselves too. Sleep is important, especially for us bipolars. But I don't wanna sleep I want to play. OK time out. DO the next right thing.
Now I am going to end this entry and go rest. I could go on ad infinitum, I am feeling very verbose. But here I will stop. More later.
Ayla
Replies
I remember when I was a Christian I had a Bible that I wore out. Comments, underlines, colors... It was a birthday present when I first joining the church. I still have it, well worn. I like having it still even though I\'m an atheist because I can use it to refute claims. it\'s the only book I write in, though... I have a WRAP book that I should be working on and I would write in that. *hugs*
I hear ya about not wanting to use kindles. i mark my books up totally. It\'s like I can\'t read without a pen in my hand and I also have SO many books Idk what to do with!!
hey if no one else is going to appreciate the little things we do-then we have to reward ourselves even if it is with a gold star on a chart and after so many we can cash them in on a special meal or outing :)