Sunday eve
Hello SOTH - I made it through last week coughing, sniffles, and every nite feeling tired BUT the good news is I'm better and ready to face another week!
Today marks 11 months that my Jennifer has been gone....SIGH....Seems like I'm always aware of the calendar now....I sure miss her in so many ways I never thought possible. When Jennifer was physically here, I took so much for granted....rolled my eyes too many times to something she said.....didn't hug enough....didn't say.......whatever it was I could have said....should have been more uplifting.....slowly I am coming to terms with all of that and learning to forgive myself because that is really the hardest part, itsn't it? I am so damn hard on myself.
I sometimes do hospice per diem work on the week-ends...I don't do as much as I did, because, well you know, sometimes it's just too hard. I consider it a privilege to be there with the family and their loved one who is transitioning to the other side and it fills some sort of need in me but in saying all of that....I am really considering taking a break...I wonder if my emotional healing sometimes stops because I am in the emotional turmoils of families dealing with someone in their family who is dying....In losing my mom where I was needed and losing my daughter where I was needed and now not feeling needed, I think that's why I continue to do it.....sometimes like others, I feel crazy but know I am just so damn sad and being needed feels good. ?make sense?
Praying for all of you this week and that you have a week with smiles, in the midst of the tears. (((hugs))) Vicki
Replies
It makes perfect sense. God gives us this need to be needed to help us with unity. I always get depressed when I am not doing something useful for someone...I don\'t think everyone one feels this..some people are the opposite. Givers and takers..both fill a need...you fill a need. Breaks are good to let God fill us back up again. You are an incredible woman Vicki! Love Lauri
So understand this need to accomplish something. Most of the time I really don\'t know what it is that I am supposed to do. So I guess one day at a time is the best for now. Hugs. Kathy
Yes, it makes sense. I am glad you are able to find a reason to survive. Helping others is a wonderful thing & I am sure you are a blessing to the families you serve. However, it may be too draining for you, at this stage of your grief. If you find it makes your depression worse, maybe you should step back, for a bit, until you feel stronger. Just a thought :)
(((HUGS)))...Julia
Helping others is often the best gift we give ourselves! But we also must take time to ourselves...quite time, alone time. Maybe a break for a while is exactly what you need.
After Kala\'s accident we got our Monday Morning (yorkie). I told my husband I HAD to have someone to take care of. Yep, I get it my friend.
Looking back, I think I was numb the first year or two and this numbness helped me to help others that are on the path of losing someone or who have lost someone. After awhile, the numbness wore off and it hurt too much to continue. (The internet is the only connection I have to other moms besides a couple of close friends.)
However, sometimes we just need breaks to renew ourselves. These times give us strength to come out from our \"turtle shells\" and once again continue. That is my view of it anyway.
I learned that I could not give what I didn\'t have and it took me three years before I could enter into a hospital, a patient\'s room... Trust with all of your BEing what is coming in for you as to whether to continue or allow yourself some time and without any explanations or feelings that you are letting anyone down. Actually, what I discovered is who I was letting down was myself when I didn\'t pay attention to those nudges or even cosmic two by fours.
In the pauses IS the healing and even though they hurt like crazy each of us must find our own way into them as you are dear Vicki.
Wishing you a gentle week with no \"heart attacks\" on the school field because of not wanting to go to PE and a sense that you are doing your best and that is enough... More than enough for today.
With love,
XO Joanie
Wishing you a good week too. We all have regrets and blame ourselves. I think that is a mother thing.
Do what you feel is best for you re hospice volunteering. You are probably a wonderful gift to the grieving families but it must be incredibly emotional for you. I can certainly relate to the feeling of being needed. I still have to keep busy (and cooking and cleaning doesn\'t cut it) or I start to sink in to the black hole. I feel best when I am helping others.
Take care of yourself. As I have said, time and again, we are no help to anyone else if we don\'t look after ourselves.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I so understand the longing to be needed! You are very brave to be part of hospice, and to help grieving people through their worst nightmare. Remember to also take time to be kind to yourself! You are a very special lady, my friend!
I am surprise that Hospice lets you stay. After my 1st husband\'s Cancer, they said I could not work in Hospice for one year. By that time I had more flames in the fire and never worked in it. Thanks for being with those families but that seems a bit hard to go through. And yes the calendar becomes our road map. I have slowly let go of it. The 30 will be my date but then one day I thought he did not die every month on the 30 only Dec 30th. I have let the calander not be my map. Does it pop up sometimes yes but when I decided to let go of the date I was able to start going forward. When was that. on his 3rd anniversary Dec 30. When I got up got a swift kick in the butt and started to live again whether be my son kicking me maybe but it is not easy to let go of the calendar ..love to you, Sandi
I went back to work the day after Mikes funeral, I could not handle staying home to just sit there and be sad. Keeping busy was good for me, even if I was not the best soul in the office I was there. I slowly became human again but it did take time. Like Sandi I do not watch the calendar. Mike died on 12/20 it took time for the autopsy, then hubby had a birthday did not want to have the service then so after hubbies day we did the wake and then the funeral. So as you can imagine I do not do Christmas. The twins decorate my house and tree for me, it is their tree so what ever they put on it stays until the tree comes down.
That is how I cope.
Sending tight hugs Penny