Sunday afternoon
I have fighting the neggies today. It turned out to be a beautiful day and here I am alone. I went back and started watching all the old General Hospital episodes from the early 80s.
These are the "programs" my great grandmother watched and so as a kid I would sit glued to the telly with her everyday. It is funny how we get older and doing those things we use to do as a kid brings back memories. As an adult, I gave up baking. I did alot of that with her. I grew up thinking i had such a great childhood until I started going to counseling and it was pointed out to me that although she physically took care of me, she neglected me emotionally and later in my early adulthood she tried to control me. She saw I was growing up and away and the moment I needed to spread my wings, she disowned me.
I wonder if this makes me afraid to take leaps and make decisions and why I am so untrusting. Afraid maybe if I make the wrong decision I might upset the status quo instead of doing what I need and being happy.
I am very distant, at work and at home. I cant seem to focus or enjoy anything presently because my mind longs to know answers to questions...Why am I the way I am? Why am I alone? What will become of me?
Replies
Ya dropped a quarter on my mental juke box and Doris Day's bright tones are floating out.
Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
What will be will be
Which brings me to my next deep question. How long has it been since I've seen a real time juke box?
I remember my own mother never missed an episode of General Hospital. I would sometimes watch it with her.
How did the neglect from your mom affect your adult life? Did it change the way you raised your own child? I think we all have alot of fears in this life. It might be why we are here...to work through them.
Funny thing Bob, I did everything the opposite as my mother, was very involved and nurturing, but I think I did too much. I drove my daughter away. I guess there needs to be balance with everything.
Arfie, Yep, I sound like I'm replaying an old song in my life. Guess I need to stop analyzing myself and just accept myself for who I am.
Yea but don't feel guilty about it. The way we are made is that we are all set up to make mistakes. That's the nature of being a human so live and learn is the way I look at it. hugs