Summer is over

My summer break has come and gone. I was living in my hometown for three months. Three months that were meant to be spent with him. As I mentioned in previous entries, we broke up two months ago, about a month after I moved in to his place for the summer. Since I'd been crashing at a friend's place, I wasn't able to take all my things from his place. So last week, I scheduled time to take the last of my things from his house. In our phone conversation on my way to his house, he mentioned he didn't think it was a good idea for me to go to his house since he wasn't there; eventhough I have a key and his friend was at the house. I reminded him that I had told him I'd be doing this today, and that I couldn't wait until he got home from work since I had things to do as well. He acted as if I was a complete stranger and didn't trust me, as if I would do something to hurt him or his things. It made me mad.I decided I wouldn't leave any reason to come back. I wanted to get closure and end this for good. He came home a few hours later and tried to hide his anger. When he saw I had packed all my things, and unassembled my bed so that it was ready to go, he couldn't really hide what he was feeling. He snapped at me at every thing I said, and also threatend to kick me out once when I made a snarky comment back at him. Obviously he was hurt that I was finally leaving him for good, but anger is the only thing he knows how to show. He did control himself after a while, and helped me carry out my things. Before leaving, I felt guilty. I felt sad inside because I knew he was hurt. On my way back to my friend's house, I kept thinking about all of this and how sad it ended. And then I started to get mad. What did he expect would happen after all these months of mistreating me and pushing me aside? Why is he so upset about me taking my things? After all these years, he still can't see what he's done wrong. I know I'm to blame as well, but I recognize where I screwed up. And he's acting like that day I ruined everything we had. Like this was all my fault!I lost control and sent him messages telling him how selfish he was and how angry I was that he made me feel guilty for this. We havent' spoken since. When I think about all this, I have mixed feelings. They keep switching between guilt and anger. Guilt mostly for not handling things better the whole time I was there. Anger because of what I put up with for so long. I hate ending things this way, but I keep telling myself it's not the end. I'm sure someday I will talk to him, and maybe he'll have thought about things as much as I have, and he'll see them for what they are.   

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

you were with him for awhile so I think its normal for you to go through a range of emotions from sadness to anger to guilt. Its always sad to leave something behind, to close a chapter of your life and it shows you really loved him. Im sure you\'re angry both at him and yourself-him for treating you the way he did and yourself for letting him and staying as long as you did, and also for reverting back to the angry texts. The finality of things is probably good for you though. Im glad you got the last of your belongings. Good luck!
mariposi
mariposi

Thanks. I\'m still working on letting go completely but with time I think I will. Funny you mention I was mad at both, I was and still am. I still don\'t understand why I stayed so long, I guess I have to dig deeper.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I figured you\'d be mad at both based off of what you wrote, but also cuz I\'ve been there. It\'ll pass with time. Maybe you stayed as long as you did out of fear..? Fear of what? I wouldn\'t be able to tell you. For me, I was afraid of being alone, the unknown-ness (yeah i know thats not a word, haha) of being alone, afraid I wouldn\'t be able to find anyone else, or I wouldn\'t be able to find anyone better.