Summer!
Finally, finally, I can live again. The past month was just one big haze of Big Things. I broke up with my boyfriend that I was living together with, and I feel so much more free now. I found a new place of my own, that has a conservatory on the south that brings in lots of natural daylight, and has it's own shower. And it's such a delight to be able to decorate it, paint it, make it my own. Then my grandmother died. For me, it was the first death in the family as well as my first funeral. I found solace in the thought that she passed away quickly, without realising, no pain, no fear. She had always been fairly healthy until the end, and had a good, full life. I didn't cry at the funeral, and I'm glad for it. I cried enough for my liking in the past half year. I'm through with it. Not that her death didn't get to me. If there's one thing I learned this year, then it's that family is forever. They are the ones who love you unconditionally, who won't question you, and who will believe you without proof. I feel very lucky with their support.
Unfortunately, breaking up with my bf didn't go so smooth. He became very vengeful, bitter. He didn't understand my reasons for breaking up with him, and didn't agree that I, on my own, could decide that it was over now, he felt he had to have some part in that decision too. He questioned my opinion that we didn't match, and also my ability to judge at all because of the antidepressants i had been taking. It's quite typical because in hindsight, I wonder if he ever took me seriously at all. He thinks I'm arrogant, egoistic, lazy and spoilt, and that my winter depression is simply my excuse to let my mess be cleaned up by others. I agonised so much over the fact that the one I loved and was closest to me, didn't understand me and kept holding me responsible for everything I didn't do. Now, I have my sense of perspective back, and it's making me seriously doubt my taste in the opposite sex. Was I effin' blind or what? Why didn't I see his true face earlier? Gee. I guess that's just such another 'lesson learned'.
So yeah. I guess boys will have to wait a bit. Not that they're not interested, or vice versa, but right now I'm dedicating my time to the relationship with myself. That's the one I have to live with forever for sure, after all. (god that makes me sound like a feminist).
Otherwise, last month I was mostly rejoicing. There were lots of parties, lots of friends who immediately welcomed me back, a student association who still had place for me, a university where arrangements can be made and of whom I just received the news that I will get extra funding for any delay caused by my SAD. So life is good. But somewhere inside me, I'm still grieving for the normal student's life I thought I'd have and was so eager for. I'm trying to find a way to accept the way it is now, but it's hard. It's not what I wanted for myself, what I worked my ass off for in highschool. I have to find peace with something that makes me furious, something that feels so inherently unfair and undeserved. I wonder if time can really heal that wound. I'm definitely not feeling it yet.
Unfortunately, breaking up with my bf didn't go so smooth. He became very vengeful, bitter. He didn't understand my reasons for breaking up with him, and didn't agree that I, on my own, could decide that it was over now, he felt he had to have some part in that decision too. He questioned my opinion that we didn't match, and also my ability to judge at all because of the antidepressants i had been taking. It's quite typical because in hindsight, I wonder if he ever took me seriously at all. He thinks I'm arrogant, egoistic, lazy and spoilt, and that my winter depression is simply my excuse to let my mess be cleaned up by others. I agonised so much over the fact that the one I loved and was closest to me, didn't understand me and kept holding me responsible for everything I didn't do. Now, I have my sense of perspective back, and it's making me seriously doubt my taste in the opposite sex. Was I effin' blind or what? Why didn't I see his true face earlier? Gee. I guess that's just such another 'lesson learned'.
So yeah. I guess boys will have to wait a bit. Not that they're not interested, or vice versa, but right now I'm dedicating my time to the relationship with myself. That's the one I have to live with forever for sure, after all. (god that makes me sound like a feminist).
Otherwise, last month I was mostly rejoicing. There were lots of parties, lots of friends who immediately welcomed me back, a student association who still had place for me, a university where arrangements can be made and of whom I just received the news that I will get extra funding for any delay caused by my SAD. So life is good. But somewhere inside me, I'm still grieving for the normal student's life I thought I'd have and was so eager for. I'm trying to find a way to accept the way it is now, but it's hard. It's not what I wanted for myself, what I worked my ass off for in highschool. I have to find peace with something that makes me furious, something that feels so inherently unfair and undeserved. I wonder if time can really heal that wound. I'm definitely not feeling it yet.
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