Suicide is never the answer

September 4, 2016 I get a call from my estranged daughter, my oldest son Curtis had committed suicide. I kept repeating his name and she was saying yes, yes. Then she said love you mom and hung up. I was left alone with my grief. No one to lean into when I was crying, no one to talk to and share stories of my son. Not even able to attend his memorial service because of my ex and his viscous response to my addiction which ultimately lead to the estrangement of my daughter. No matter what y'all read, heard or experience with meth about the worst I have done is stay up all night on my phone. His wife alienated him from his family. From what I know he just been discharged from the hospital for another suicide attempt. We had no knowledge of him having problems. She had him cremated so I don't even have a gravesite I can go to. I called my sister who lived 12 hours from me to please come down for a week. I was exhausted taking care of dad by myself and deeply depressed. She wouldn't come. I felt betrayed by her lack of care and response to my need and my heart was broken. I got through it only with the grace of God. I still feel empty from my grief but I also learn when I have a good day I enjoy it as fully as I can. I will never know why or even if he I could have reached out to him if he would be here today. He left behind two sons. One 15 another 8. I worry about their future with a narcissist for a mother. All I can do is pray for them. He was 44 years old, his last entry on his Facebook page was "I need to find a new plug." He did have issues with drugs but was clean for a long time, I guess he relapsed. I love him deeply and even if we haven't talked in years I know he loved me too.