Suicide

I posted this a few days ago in the group b/c the journal bottom was working:

I was robbed at gun point last week. I honestly think I wanted him to shoot me. All of this could be over in a split second, my misery. About two months b4 I created a noose from a jump rope and wrapped it around my box bag stand. I left the noose there for two weeks. With the two latest high profile celebrity suicide Spade and Bourdain has caused me to think more about suicide. Reading stories about Spade I see some similarities. When I made that noose I thought about Robin Williams. I think more about I wish I never existed than taking my own life. My religious belief is that suicide is a sin and I do think about the family and friends I may hurt. I'm feeling low right now. I'm thinking more about my sexual and physical abuse as a child. I wish people would leave me alone, not look at nor touch me. I'm just feeling fussy. Spades actor brother-in law left a wrote social media posts about her. He ended each post telling anyone who is thinking about suicide to - just hang in there. I'm telling myself that too. This feeling will pass. There's nothing that God and I can't get through.