suicidal
I deleted last nights drunken journal. The title didn't even really match the content. Now I'm sober (though honestly, still don't feel quite right in the head) and luckily didn't manage to get myself into any trouble despite being obviously nearly black-out drunk in public in broad daylight. For the time being, I'm done with alcohol which is unfortunate because although it's pretty disabling at least I don't feel horribly depressed when I'm drunk. I've started taking meds but I've only just started today and again I know it will take up to two weeks for them to take effect. The way I've been feeling when sober, I don't honestly know if I can make it that long like this. As usual I'll do my best to fight this but so far I haven't been doing well at all. I've hardly slept even with the help of several sleep aids, exercise, and even a cat to cuddle with.
This really might be an overreaction. For me, depression has always been strongly linked to my love life (well, lack of a love life anyways). I've always been alone and always felt left out. All of my friends and family have been able to have nice, healthy love relationships. Some of them are even married and many of them are in long-term relationships but I've never even gotten that far. All except for one of my dating experiences has been negative to the point of harsh and intensely painful. Because of that it's incredibly hard for me to even believe someone could feel that way towards me. I want to believe, I want to know what it's like. I've heard so many pleasant and wonderful stories and seen it happen with pretty much everyone around me, so why am I always the one left out?
In the past, my depression has gotten so bad that it resembles something else (I once thought maybe I was starting to get schizophrenic). At its worst, I cant eat, I hardly sleep, I cry a lot, my mind becomes filled with horrible, harsh and self-destructive thoughts. I don't usually starve myself on purpose, as I described in a post elsewhere on ds it's like whatever physical cues that are supposed to be there to tell me I'm hungry are simply just turned off. I've gone days without eating and not even noticed simply because I didn't feel hungry at all and even if I were to smell the scent of my favorite food I would sometimes become nauseous.
The horrible pain would just fill my mind and one day after a particularly intense breakdown of crying so hard it left me in physical pain something was seriously wrong. Nothing looked or felt real anymore and the thoughts and voices in my head had me convinced that I was trapped in some horrible nightmare and the only way out was to die. I couldn't move, I was just stuck there, lying on the floor still crying, head pounding, feeling dizzy. I would guess that this all lasted only a few minutes, once I was capable of moving again the delusion seemed to pass and things returned to normal.
I've had regular thoughts of suicide since I was 14 and I've come pretty close from time to time. I've intentionally starved myself, tried to overdose, I've even held a rather large knife to my chest or wrists several times. The few times I nearly killed myself unintentionally simply because the pain of depression got so intense are the times that scare me the most. It's like I became so overwhelmed that my body just started shutting down or something and I'm in so much distress that I simply didn't even notice the physical distress I'm in.
To make matters worse, my own suicidal ideations have noticeably gotten more dangerous. When I was a teenager maybe it was more about getting attention than about actually ending my life but the last few times it's gotten this bad I've hardly said a word to anyone. Several times no one even knew I was starving myself and the last time I tried to OD, I didn't tell anyone until months later. The only reason I failed was because somehow I ran out of pills before I could actually do it. In fact, only a few days later I talked someone else out of killing herself and she still doesn't know that I was in a similar state of mind myself.
My own thoughts and suicidal behaviors admittedly do scare me a little. Particularly considering how they've changed. How I've gotten more dangerously secretive and how the thoughts have gotten louder, more intense.
For about two years up until I met the girl I was dating I had finally been feeling better. The dark, brooding depression finally seemed to be gone and I felt more or less normal again. I don't know what triggered it or why this horrible depression came back but it has. I thought maybe since I started dating her it would just go away. That I had finally found the missing piece of my life. Something to fill that dark lonely void. Someone I could really feel comfortable with. I guess I was so desperate to believe that I really could find love and that someone could actually love me back this way that I finally let my guard down. Started ignoring all those horrible thoughts that this was all a lie, that there's no way someone could ever love me, that I'm worthless and my feelings are meaningless.
Things seemed to be going well, she said she loved me. She claimed to want to be with me and that she really enjoyed my company. Our first two encounters were a little rough but after that things were going so nicely. Even our last date seemed to go really well and then after a few days she just went quiet. She was hardly talking to me at all. We were supposed to go out last week Thursday and when I finally did hear from her she was "chillin" at some guy's place a few towns over. That's the last I've heard from her. I got really drunk that night and apparently sent her a txt which she's never responded to.
It's only been two days and I've hardly slept. I've been crying enough to keep up a nearly constant head ache and I can tell I haven't been eating or drinking nearly enough. I've never felt myself fade this fast before. Tomorrow I'm supposed to start a new job so I need to try and get some sleep and get some food in me. Over the past few days I've been drinking pretty heavily and I'm definitely feeling that take it's toll on me too. It's going to be a long, painful night and this time I don't even have alcohol to take the edge off. My friend (the one I saved almost 5 years ago) is probably starting to suspect somethings wrong but I can't even turn to her about this because of our history (long story, partially written in a previous journal).
I'm really REALLY hoping I'm just overreacting, that this girl will come back to me and that everything she's said turns out to be true but some part of me really doubts it. Actions speak louder than words and her actions seem to have said enough.
Although I really don't want to fight this depression anymore and I don't want to live with this terrible loneliness I still try to. Back in 2010 I lost be childhood best friend to suicide and seeing and feeling the pain it's caused his friends and family is what keeps me from doing the same thing. Concern for those I love has always been the thing that's kept me from going through with it. I'm certainly not afraid of death, I'd probably welcome it and I'm definitely not too weak. I don't think too many people will read this and hardly anyone here knows me in real life, what my real name is, where I live...
This really might be an overreaction. For me, depression has always been strongly linked to my love life (well, lack of a love life anyways). I've always been alone and always felt left out. All of my friends and family have been able to have nice, healthy love relationships. Some of them are even married and many of them are in long-term relationships but I've never even gotten that far. All except for one of my dating experiences has been negative to the point of harsh and intensely painful. Because of that it's incredibly hard for me to even believe someone could feel that way towards me. I want to believe, I want to know what it's like. I've heard so many pleasant and wonderful stories and seen it happen with pretty much everyone around me, so why am I always the one left out?
In the past, my depression has gotten so bad that it resembles something else (I once thought maybe I was starting to get schizophrenic). At its worst, I cant eat, I hardly sleep, I cry a lot, my mind becomes filled with horrible, harsh and self-destructive thoughts. I don't usually starve myself on purpose, as I described in a post elsewhere on ds it's like whatever physical cues that are supposed to be there to tell me I'm hungry are simply just turned off. I've gone days without eating and not even noticed simply because I didn't feel hungry at all and even if I were to smell the scent of my favorite food I would sometimes become nauseous.
The horrible pain would just fill my mind and one day after a particularly intense breakdown of crying so hard it left me in physical pain something was seriously wrong. Nothing looked or felt real anymore and the thoughts and voices in my head had me convinced that I was trapped in some horrible nightmare and the only way out was to die. I couldn't move, I was just stuck there, lying on the floor still crying, head pounding, feeling dizzy. I would guess that this all lasted only a few minutes, once I was capable of moving again the delusion seemed to pass and things returned to normal.
I've had regular thoughts of suicide since I was 14 and I've come pretty close from time to time. I've intentionally starved myself, tried to overdose, I've even held a rather large knife to my chest or wrists several times. The few times I nearly killed myself unintentionally simply because the pain of depression got so intense are the times that scare me the most. It's like I became so overwhelmed that my body just started shutting down or something and I'm in so much distress that I simply didn't even notice the physical distress I'm in.
To make matters worse, my own suicidal ideations have noticeably gotten more dangerous. When I was a teenager maybe it was more about getting attention than about actually ending my life but the last few times it's gotten this bad I've hardly said a word to anyone. Several times no one even knew I was starving myself and the last time I tried to OD, I didn't tell anyone until months later. The only reason I failed was because somehow I ran out of pills before I could actually do it. In fact, only a few days later I talked someone else out of killing herself and she still doesn't know that I was in a similar state of mind myself.
My own thoughts and suicidal behaviors admittedly do scare me a little. Particularly considering how they've changed. How I've gotten more dangerously secretive and how the thoughts have gotten louder, more intense.
For about two years up until I met the girl I was dating I had finally been feeling better. The dark, brooding depression finally seemed to be gone and I felt more or less normal again. I don't know what triggered it or why this horrible depression came back but it has. I thought maybe since I started dating her it would just go away. That I had finally found the missing piece of my life. Something to fill that dark lonely void. Someone I could really feel comfortable with. I guess I was so desperate to believe that I really could find love and that someone could actually love me back this way that I finally let my guard down. Started ignoring all those horrible thoughts that this was all a lie, that there's no way someone could ever love me, that I'm worthless and my feelings are meaningless.
Things seemed to be going well, she said she loved me. She claimed to want to be with me and that she really enjoyed my company. Our first two encounters were a little rough but after that things were going so nicely. Even our last date seemed to go really well and then after a few days she just went quiet. She was hardly talking to me at all. We were supposed to go out last week Thursday and when I finally did hear from her she was "chillin" at some guy's place a few towns over. That's the last I've heard from her. I got really drunk that night and apparently sent her a txt which she's never responded to.
It's only been two days and I've hardly slept. I've been crying enough to keep up a nearly constant head ache and I can tell I haven't been eating or drinking nearly enough. I've never felt myself fade this fast before. Tomorrow I'm supposed to start a new job so I need to try and get some sleep and get some food in me. Over the past few days I've been drinking pretty heavily and I'm definitely feeling that take it's toll on me too. It's going to be a long, painful night and this time I don't even have alcohol to take the edge off. My friend (the one I saved almost 5 years ago) is probably starting to suspect somethings wrong but I can't even turn to her about this because of our history (long story, partially written in a previous journal).
I'm really REALLY hoping I'm just overreacting, that this girl will come back to me and that everything she's said turns out to be true but some part of me really doubts it. Actions speak louder than words and her actions seem to have said enough.
Although I really don't want to fight this depression anymore and I don't want to live with this terrible loneliness I still try to. Back in 2010 I lost be childhood best friend to suicide and seeing and feeling the pain it's caused his friends and family is what keeps me from doing the same thing. Concern for those I love has always been the thing that's kept me from going through with it. I'm certainly not afraid of death, I'd probably welcome it and I'm definitely not too weak. I don't think too many people will read this and hardly anyone here knows me in real life, what my real name is, where I live...
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