Sucky morning
Well that was fun. A nice wave of grief/sadness consumed my ride to work this morning. It was the first one in a while, and as usual, came mostly out of nowhere. I think a song may have touched it off but it was just enough to get my mind going because I think it has been building. Lots of guilt these days over many things. I am/was dating someone and I've enjoyed that, which makes me feel guilty. I feel like I'm moving forward too easily and not thinking of or missing Dina enough, which makes me feel guilty. I haven't been able to get by the cemetery in a while, which makes me feel guilty.
I've also been thinking lately of how much I'm going to miss out on with Dina. But more so how much Hannah will miss out on doing with her mother. They only had less than 3 'normal' years with each other and that sucks. One of those things is coming up this weekend. One of my brothers, his wife and some friends have rented a house up in ski country in NH. If Dina was here we would more than likely be joining them, even though Dina didn't ski. Now it is just me. I've been skiing since I was probably 10. With Dina being in the hospital, last year was the first winter I didn't get out to a mountain for the first time since I started skiing so I'm really itching to get out there this winter. My MIL is taking Hannah for the weekend so that I can go. I'm extremely grateful for that and I am looking forward to it, but it's not at all how this would be shaping up if Dina was still here. We would be going as a family. And I would likely be getting Hannah on skis for the first time. Now that has to wait. And this all makes me feel selfish and guilty for leaving her behind and wanting a little break for myself. I guess that's one of the other things that has been coming up lately. This is hard to do alone!! And I always feel guilty when I leave Hannah with someone so I can do something myself, even if it is just some errands. I know I shouldn't because I need my own time and she loves spending time with other family memebers, but it's hard not to feel that way since I'm the only parent she has now.
Anyways, just a lousy morning with more to come in the future I'm sure...fun times!!
I've also been thinking lately of how much I'm going to miss out on with Dina. But more so how much Hannah will miss out on doing with her mother. They only had less than 3 'normal' years with each other and that sucks. One of those things is coming up this weekend. One of my brothers, his wife and some friends have rented a house up in ski country in NH. If Dina was here we would more than likely be joining them, even though Dina didn't ski. Now it is just me. I've been skiing since I was probably 10. With Dina being in the hospital, last year was the first winter I didn't get out to a mountain for the first time since I started skiing so I'm really itching to get out there this winter. My MIL is taking Hannah for the weekend so that I can go. I'm extremely grateful for that and I am looking forward to it, but it's not at all how this would be shaping up if Dina was still here. We would be going as a family. And I would likely be getting Hannah on skis for the first time. Now that has to wait. And this all makes me feel selfish and guilty for leaving her behind and wanting a little break for myself. I guess that's one of the other things that has been coming up lately. This is hard to do alone!! And I always feel guilty when I leave Hannah with someone so I can do something myself, even if it is just some errands. I know I shouldn't because I need my own time and she loves spending time with other family memebers, but it's hard not to feel that way since I'm the only parent she has now.
Anyways, just a lousy morning with more to come in the future I'm sure...fun times!!
Replies
I am so sorry you are having a hard day. Letting the emotions flow is such a healthy thing for you. Guilt is such a hard emotion to deal with and I am proud of you for knowing you really can\' t escape it even when it is uncalled for. Have a wonderful time skiing and enjoy your family. Hannah will cherish these memories with her grandmother. Sending you hugs.
I have many of these sucky days. I feel like i\'m doing ok then WHAM! They, seem for me, to build up. Sometimes for hours and sometimes for days and then they hit like a ton on bricks. Sending hugs.