Sucking It Up.
Today I actually woke up and felt somewhat decent. Its not that my skin feels better or that my state of mind has changed, it is the fact that I see what I'm putting my mom and sister through. They hug me longer now. And tell me they love me sincerely, not just a quick I love you when we get off the phone. They are what I have to live for and I don't think I can put them through this anymore. My dad doesn't give two shits, like he always hasn't. I talked to him for 20 minutes today, actually more like just sat there cause I swear I could not respond for an hour but he would still talk. The only thing he was upset about was the fact that he had to reschedule his appointment to get a pedicure from me. But its not like its a big deal because he has always been and always will be a major douche.
I got up today, put on sweats and a hoodie, but today I actually took my hair out of the messy bun and did my hair and make-up. It felt good to get pretty. I drove about 30 minutes out of town to my friend's baby shower. She isn't a close friend but I still decided I would go to support her. It was okay, but it got me out of bed, so I guess it's good. It only lasted an hour and half is, so I went to go hang out with a friend who lives around there. I went and saw my ex who is a really good friend now. It was nice to see him after a few months. We sat down and talked about a lot. We had a serious heart to heart, I couldn't believe what he was telling me and he couldn't believe what I was telling him. It felt good to get stuff off my chest. I told him about the other night, which I haven't told anyone besides my mom, sister, dad, and obviously in my post for the whole internet to read. He looked at me like he felt sorry for me, and the one thing I do not want is anyone's pity. I don't want people telling me that they are here for me because people only want to know they story and the drama to gossip. After all it is high school.
He gave me this look and I told him not to feel sorry for me. He said he didn't at all. He told me that he didn't realize I was a selfish bitch. I was so shocked. How dare he say that to me. He went on by saying for the past three weeks he has been sleeping till noon and going to bed at 8. He has been sitting outside crying every morning. He is so depressed and doesn't understand. I sat there confused, if he felt the same as I did, how could he not understand. He said, if I took my gun and shot myself, what would that do. Would that make me feel better? No, I wouldn't feel anything. How would my parents feel? The would never be truly happy because their only son would be dead for the rest of their lives. Would my four year old sister understand that brother is gone for good? Would the newborn my step mom has ever get to know who his older brother is? No. Would my friends just move on and find some else to replace me? No, they will all think every day how they could have helped me and how they should have seen it coming. Not a single person benefits from your suicide, not even you. Because now you are dead. Gone. No more. That is it. So how could you be so selfish to try and end your life?
Honestly he just changed my life forever. I was speechless. I was shocked. But it really gave me a reality check. I am sucking it up. Life will get better and I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. Yes it is okay to have bad days and wish things were better, but how is anything going to get better if I keep this attitude? It won't. Time to change my future, because me, myself, and I have the power to do so.
I got up today, put on sweats and a hoodie, but today I actually took my hair out of the messy bun and did my hair and make-up. It felt good to get pretty. I drove about 30 minutes out of town to my friend's baby shower. She isn't a close friend but I still decided I would go to support her. It was okay, but it got me out of bed, so I guess it's good. It only lasted an hour and half is, so I went to go hang out with a friend who lives around there. I went and saw my ex who is a really good friend now. It was nice to see him after a few months. We sat down and talked about a lot. We had a serious heart to heart, I couldn't believe what he was telling me and he couldn't believe what I was telling him. It felt good to get stuff off my chest. I told him about the other night, which I haven't told anyone besides my mom, sister, dad, and obviously in my post for the whole internet to read. He looked at me like he felt sorry for me, and the one thing I do not want is anyone's pity. I don't want people telling me that they are here for me because people only want to know they story and the drama to gossip. After all it is high school.
He gave me this look and I told him not to feel sorry for me. He said he didn't at all. He told me that he didn't realize I was a selfish bitch. I was so shocked. How dare he say that to me. He went on by saying for the past three weeks he has been sleeping till noon and going to bed at 8. He has been sitting outside crying every morning. He is so depressed and doesn't understand. I sat there confused, if he felt the same as I did, how could he not understand. He said, if I took my gun and shot myself, what would that do. Would that make me feel better? No, I wouldn't feel anything. How would my parents feel? The would never be truly happy because their only son would be dead for the rest of their lives. Would my four year old sister understand that brother is gone for good? Would the newborn my step mom has ever get to know who his older brother is? No. Would my friends just move on and find some else to replace me? No, they will all think every day how they could have helped me and how they should have seen it coming. Not a single person benefits from your suicide, not even you. Because now you are dead. Gone. No more. That is it. So how could you be so selfish to try and end your life?
Honestly he just changed my life forever. I was speechless. I was shocked. But it really gave me a reality check. I am sucking it up. Life will get better and I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. Yes it is okay to have bad days and wish things were better, but how is anything going to get better if I keep this attitude? It won't. Time to change my future, because me, myself, and I have the power to do so.
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