such a bummer

I get so excited because things are really coming together for me getting the surgery.  Then I have a couple of episodes where I end up falling down.  This last time I ended up with a bruised and swollen knee, sprained ankle and broken wrist.  I really don't need any of this.  I have enough pain on a daily basis without adding this stuff to the list.  I get so super excited and then feel so super low when I am struck down.  My ankles have always been weak and have on occasion given out on me but this is the first time I have gotten hurt this bad.  Usually I can stop the fall from happening this time there was nothing to grab.  There is this part of me that is really truly embarrassed about falling like that.  So I don't have just the physical pain of falling but emotional pain of feeling like nothing but a fat, clumsy fool.  And the for a while I have the bumps, bruises, cast, and pain to show for it.  So every time I look at myself I remember what a fat, clumsy fool I am.  I'm so tired of hurting and then having something stupid like this happen and lay me up.  I mean seriously it feels like I take one step forward and I am slammed back several feet.  I know that I am doing the right thing and working the right steps to getting surgery and all the weight and pressure off my joints and body that it doesn't need.  I want to feel better more days than I don't and it seems like lately I feel horrible more days than I feel good.