Stupidity of Self
A month ago, the r word happened to me. Being in the military, I kept it restricted. i wanted to forget and distract myself. i didnt want to be seen as weak. I didnt even want to tell my husband. i did, a couples days after. Then, he was on deployment. I changed my report to unrestricted so he can come home. He is home, but now i wish he was on the boat and I was busy at work forgetting this. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop blaming and hating myself. I feel ashamed, dirty, tainted, naive and stupid. His friend even wonders how stupid could I have been, not to see the person was lying and had one thing on their mind. I hate myself for being so stupid not to realize "catching up" meant something else. If i wasn't naive, my husband wouldn't be put through this. He wouldn't have doubted me, I wouldn't feel like I failed in this marriage, and this wouldn't be my fault. I am so angry with myself.
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I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you, but you must remember that it was not your fault! You are not stupid or naive. You are a human being that thought she was interacting with another human being, but in reality the person was a monster in disguise. We never expect people to be evil; it is in our nature to trust. You could not have known or anticipated what happened, and nobody has any right to tell you otherwise.
I just read your most recent post on the depression forum and while I obviously do not know the full details of your marriage it seems like your husband is not giving you the support you deserve. He shouldn't be saying cruel or criticizing things to you under any circumstances, much less when you are trying to heal from this recent trauma. I know it is hard to love yourself enough to fight for the life you deserve, but please keep trying. Do not give up, even if it seems like those closest to you don't care - they are the problem, not you. Have you sought counseling for any of this? It might be good to have a supportive person to talk to face to face. Either way, please know that you are worthy, loved, and deserving of happiness.