Stumbled Across
While going through old paperwork I came across another attempt to pick up with my journaling. This has proven to be a great tool for me to see where I have been and just how far I have come (or sometimes reminding me I am like that hamster circling the wheel)
It was dated from 5 years ago and was a rather upbeat encouraging entry. Back then I had already reached out and found friendship, encouragement , playful flirting as well as the assurance that I still had alot to offer and was not only wanted but can still be sexy and desirable. Not only that, but was encouraged to open up and explore all the curiosities that I had over many years but was taught to shut down as they were shameful( and I was successfully shut down and guilted as a teen from an overprotective mother. )
From a stranger a zillion miles away I would find so much of what I needed including acceptance of just who I had become (good, bad and naughty) While it was good to realize just what I had found, it was also a bit of that hamster on the wheel deal too. Here I am beginning to take steps to reclaim and find all I have missed for so very long, yet when given options I am often spooked (haunted by some intentional mispoken words from late hubby to keep me just where he wanted ... or needed ...me at that time.)
I often wonder just how far I could go if I were completely able to break free of all the doubts and insecurities from several who were close to me . Isn't it funny how much power and control someone can have over us and our own sense of being? Whatsmore, I cannot help but be angry (not so much with late hubby, but with another family member who made it his mission to beat me down to try to build himself up. )
At any rate, I have come a long way baby. (Big smile) OK, Maybe not as far as I would like. But still a work in progress.
Replies
You are moving in the right direction. God bless you.
Sometimes we have to take a couple of steps back to see how far we have come. It amazes me. "You've Come A Long Way, Baby" as that old cigarette commercial used to tout.
That's great you found this! Like a little time capsule showing you a snapshot of your past. As you know, I have found Buddhist teachings very helpful and one of the greatest lessons is impermanence. Everything is in constant change and this can be very exciting when we stop fearing it. Especially because it's going to happen if we like it or not:) As far as the people in your past who hurt you the way I try to look at is asking myself who is really holding me back. The answer always comes back; just me.
You have come a long way, remember all you have accomplished and know that as long as you keep trying, you'll keep improving. You should be so proud of yourself and know that there are so many of us here who you have encouraged, and inspired.
J- You are so right. First about stumbling across my little time capsule, as well as ME being the one to let those hateful words beat me down. When I think about it, that is exactly why he continued to drum them in my head. Because of all the dysfunction, I have a hard time living in the now. When you grow up never being certain of anything, you have an incredible need to plan and figure things out . But as you say, if it's gonna happen, it does. I have much work to do to try to reverse so very many years of learning that fear.
But I have to say it does feel good when I am able to break free from it. (Yes, still that work in progress. LOL)
Thank you all for kind words and good thoughts. Hugs, Kim