STUFF stuff

I feel like jsut stuffing it all ... as in giving it all up. I don't know what there is.. I guess uni and relationships and all because I want to push it all away the way I'm feeling. I think my mood has suddenly dropped with the intense reminder of my dad's poor examples (it's father day yay), how I not too long ago found a porn mag in his study, How I not too long ago found out my bf looked at porn and not too long ago at the same stage his dad told me - as the three of us were in front of the tv and two models appeared - that a real woman looked like those on the screen. I was sitting right there. FUCK! real nice..  real nice. I feel fat and ugly and attrocious. The boyfriend and I almost gave up our chastity and I feel like I'm going out of my way to be nice to him all the time, giving him massages and buying him things and it doesn't feel recipricol. I feel one level that he might be the one i marry and the other this intense dislike of being attached and of feeling a lack of love. Myabe that's just my self esteem and the ability to stop comparing myself with other skinny women getting in the way... talking. I don't know but I don't want to binge today despite this heavy anxiety i feel. I feel horrible. I have uni work to do which I don't want to do. All I feel like doing is eating junk food while I read fiction to escape this world till this feeling subsides.. god what is wrong with me!