Stuff is getting better all the time... (President Starky)
Two weeks ago I was suicidal. (Maybe three?) I couldn't take the pain, anymore. I really felt like nothing would ever, ever change. Then I started looking at options and realized that there WERE options and slowly but surely paths have opened up and with them my own heart and mind.
The huz and I spent this past weekend away. I am still riddled with guilt over the time that we are investing in each other and NOT in the kids. I know in the long run it is the right choice because the kids need their parents to be ok in order for them to be ok, but... but. I miss my babies. I miss "family time". There hasn't been enough time for everything I have wanted/needed/had to - and so I'm prioritizing. I (we!) also came to some decisions to help make things go more smoothly in our marriage.
First step was to come to the decision to quit the multiple volunteer positions I hold. I don't know if I'll quit everything, but I'm leaning that direction, with the intent of later down the road finding something new/different and more conservation directed down the road. I am worn thin from investing in everyone else's youth. I need to invest in my own children.
The second decision was to make a conscious effort to make choices that were constructive instead of destructive. I'm not altogether succeeding, but it has gotten better with mindfulness.
The third decision came from a revelation after reading "NOT Just Friends". I realized that *I* have been cheating on my husband. (Duh, how can you not know that, right?) I wasn't having sex with anyone else, though, so it doesn't count, right? Wrong. A long time ago, my husband and I had a conversation that went something like this:
Me: You never talk to me, anymore!
Him: You always have someone else for that.
Me: But I want you!
Him: (fumbled attempt at conversation)
Me: Nevermind, I'll just go talk to SoAndSo about this.
You see, I never gave him the chance to fulfill my need. I brushed him off and gave up, rather than even trying to walk him through it. "I want you!" I said, pulling with one hand, "You're doing it wrong!" I shouted, pushing him away with the other. It's no wonder we've struggled for so long.
He is guilty of similar bad habits, but the focus for this one is on me. I am actively deciding to be friends with my husband. I am actively deciding to allow him the full opportunity to be a friend to me rather than giving the chance away to someone else. I won't lie, this particular decision is scary for me because he has let me down so much before that I don't know if I can trust him. However, if I don't take what he's offering, I can't very well gripe that he's not giving, right?
The fourth decision/resolution I've made is for the huz and I to start scheduling better. We all have the same 24 hours in a day (how many times have I said this to volunteers during recruiting!!?) and so we must choose how we spend them wisely. I don't feel like we're having enough sex. He doesn't feel like we have enough time to be affectionate. He doesn't think we go out and do stuff together enough. I don't feel like we talk often enough. We both are the suck at making time for conflict resolution so issues just sit and sit until things blow up. Also as I mentioned before, I feel like I'm investing so much time in trying to build a strong marriage, that I'm failing my kids.
And so, tonight the huz and I had a phone conversation in which we agreed we need to start putting stuff on the calendar. Not just doctor's appointments and parent teacher conferences and work schedules and volunteer work projects, but the stuff we REALLY want to work in - like sex and family time and outings and, well, you know, everything. Well, not everything, there just isn't room for everything, but all the everything we've been neglecting for YEARS because, well, because it wasn't on the calendar.
The fifth decision was one that really struck deep and is related to #4 and #3. For years, we have not shared common interests or hobbies. We both agree that spending time together is important, but we literally only spend time together during the crisis of a child (sick/hurt/needing discipline/etc.), grocery shopping, and eating. (And not always do we share time during THOSE activities.) How freakin romantic is waiting for blood draws or picking up eggs and milk? Yeah. Notsomuch. So we decided to try to mesh hobbies and/or find a common hobby.
An example (though one we may not run with) is for him to take up photography again and for me to use my interwebz skillz to create and maintain an online gallery for him. Also, depending on the type of photography, it means traveling/hiking/camping together, which we both love.
We're both lukewarm to that particular plan, but with some more brainstorming, I'm pretty sure we can come up with something we both really enjoy which will give us more excuse to spend time together. It means trading some of our current apart-from-each-other hobbies, but other than reading (which we both also love) there's nothing I'm not willing to give up or postpone while we relearn to spend time together again.
Geeze, if we can get all pro at these five things then we'll be better off all the way around, no matter what. For the first time since the affair, I am feeling hopeful - YES HOPEFUL - and I want to savor this feeling.
The huz and I spent this past weekend away. I am still riddled with guilt over the time that we are investing in each other and NOT in the kids. I know in the long run it is the right choice because the kids need their parents to be ok in order for them to be ok, but... but. I miss my babies. I miss "family time". There hasn't been enough time for everything I have wanted/needed/had to - and so I'm prioritizing. I (we!) also came to some decisions to help make things go more smoothly in our marriage.
First step was to come to the decision to quit the multiple volunteer positions I hold. I don't know if I'll quit everything, but I'm leaning that direction, with the intent of later down the road finding something new/different and more conservation directed down the road. I am worn thin from investing in everyone else's youth. I need to invest in my own children.
The second decision was to make a conscious effort to make choices that were constructive instead of destructive. I'm not altogether succeeding, but it has gotten better with mindfulness.
The third decision came from a revelation after reading "NOT Just Friends". I realized that *I* have been cheating on my husband. (Duh, how can you not know that, right?) I wasn't having sex with anyone else, though, so it doesn't count, right? Wrong. A long time ago, my husband and I had a conversation that went something like this:
Me: You never talk to me, anymore!
Him: You always have someone else for that.
Me: But I want you!
Him: (fumbled attempt at conversation)
Me: Nevermind, I'll just go talk to SoAndSo about this.
You see, I never gave him the chance to fulfill my need. I brushed him off and gave up, rather than even trying to walk him through it. "I want you!" I said, pulling with one hand, "You're doing it wrong!" I shouted, pushing him away with the other. It's no wonder we've struggled for so long.
He is guilty of similar bad habits, but the focus for this one is on me. I am actively deciding to be friends with my husband. I am actively deciding to allow him the full opportunity to be a friend to me rather than giving the chance away to someone else. I won't lie, this particular decision is scary for me because he has let me down so much before that I don't know if I can trust him. However, if I don't take what he's offering, I can't very well gripe that he's not giving, right?
The fourth decision/resolution I've made is for the huz and I to start scheduling better. We all have the same 24 hours in a day (how many times have I said this to volunteers during recruiting!!?) and so we must choose how we spend them wisely. I don't feel like we're having enough sex. He doesn't feel like we have enough time to be affectionate. He doesn't think we go out and do stuff together enough. I don't feel like we talk often enough. We both are the suck at making time for conflict resolution so issues just sit and sit until things blow up. Also as I mentioned before, I feel like I'm investing so much time in trying to build a strong marriage, that I'm failing my kids.
And so, tonight the huz and I had a phone conversation in which we agreed we need to start putting stuff on the calendar. Not just doctor's appointments and parent teacher conferences and work schedules and volunteer work projects, but the stuff we REALLY want to work in - like sex and family time and outings and, well, you know, everything. Well, not everything, there just isn't room for everything, but all the everything we've been neglecting for YEARS because, well, because it wasn't on the calendar.
The fifth decision was one that really struck deep and is related to #4 and #3. For years, we have not shared common interests or hobbies. We both agree that spending time together is important, but we literally only spend time together during the crisis of a child (sick/hurt/needing discipline/etc.), grocery shopping, and eating. (And not always do we share time during THOSE activities.) How freakin romantic is waiting for blood draws or picking up eggs and milk? Yeah. Notsomuch. So we decided to try to mesh hobbies and/or find a common hobby.
An example (though one we may not run with) is for him to take up photography again and for me to use my interwebz skillz to create and maintain an online gallery for him. Also, depending on the type of photography, it means traveling/hiking/camping together, which we both love.
We're both lukewarm to that particular plan, but with some more brainstorming, I'm pretty sure we can come up with something we both really enjoy which will give us more excuse to spend time together. It means trading some of our current apart-from-each-other hobbies, but other than reading (which we both also love) there's nothing I'm not willing to give up or postpone while we relearn to spend time together again.
Geeze, if we can get all pro at these five things then we'll be better off all the way around, no matter what. For the first time since the affair, I am feeling hopeful - YES HOPEFUL - and I want to savor this feeling.
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