stuff from the journal of losinghopeelly

Journal Entry for February 23, 2012 Thursday, February 23, 2012 Life has it's moments when you are so tired of the hurting, the feeling crappy all the time, and the different medications/procedures that the doctors are giving/doing to you. I'm so done with shots in my back. Yesterday I had the last set and it scared me something awful. My blood pressure shot right up to stroke levels after having the shots yesterday and I almost ended up in the hospital. Got home and the pain in the injection site was so unbearable that I had to take double the pain medications that I normally take and still got little to no relief. I talked to the doctor today because the pain is still so horrible that I can hardly stand it. They told me that this sometimes happens and that I should continue the pain meds, stay down until the pain goes away, and if it isn't better by Monday I am to go back in. If it happens to get worse or I lose feeling in my back or my leg than I am to go to the emergency room right away. Also this is the last set of shots that they can do in my back and if the pain continues/comes back than they will end up doing a radiofrequency ablation on the nerve endings in my back. This will kill the nerve endings in the area that they are doing shots so that there isn't pain for around 9 months or more. While I don't look forward to having to have shots, hopefully by the time I need that procedure I will be close to having gastric bypass surgery and will never need to have any procedure dealing with my spine again. It scares me when they mess with my spine because even though my doctor has done these procedures many thousands of times over there is still the risk that one wrong move will leave me paralyzed from the waist down. I take that risk because I want to feel better. I'm so tired of telling my son that mommy can't do something with him because she doesn't feel good or she hurts. This little guy doesn't understand pain and illness in the grand scale of things he does know that its not a good things because it makes mommies not able to play with their kids. I want more good days of being able to run and play with my son. Where is my break? For heavens sake all I ever wanted in life was to grow up, get married, have children of my own, and be the kind of housewife that is involved in her children's lives, someone that her husband can be proud of, a good housekeeper, someone who can keep her yard up and work in a garden and flower bed. Life is funny and throws us curves so many times. My first fiance did not want kids at all so we ended up breaking off the engagement because I planned on having children and would not want to use birth control after being married. God laughed at that notion because I was never able to carry a baby to term so I finally gave up trying to do that and decided that I was designed for a greater purpose. So then I started working with my church's children's group, became a CASA volunteer where I spoke up for children in foster care and thought that even though my heart ached to be a mom to my very own child that I was able to be something to other children who needed that in their lives. After I got married my grandma used to tell me that God wasn't giving me babies of my own because I was to busy taking care of everyone else's babies and wouldn't have time for my own child. Grandma was right at that time because I was busy, I took care of my nieces and nephews almost all the time and then other kids as well. Just when I thought I had figured out what God had planned for me he threw in another turn. With one phone call we ended up moving our nephew from my husbands side of the family, his wife and their brand new baby into our home to help them get a fresh new start in a different city where they had family to help them out. I tried to help this young family out and couldn't. They just couldn't get along with each other and wouldn't take care of their baby at all. I was working and was getting phone calls at work all the time because they were fighting with each other. They were like having kids at home that wouldn't stop fighting for once I had an understanding of things my mom had to go through raising four girls. We ended up kicking them out of our house, although we paid for their first month in a motel room, stocked them up with groceries and things they needed to get them through the first month so that they had a start. In that one month the baby went from happy, healthy, well taken care of to underweight and abused. The police showed up on my doorstep one night with a screaming five month old infant telling me that since I was the only relative this child either I took him or he would have to go to foster care. When I asked where his parents were I was told that his mother was at the emergency room and his father was heading to jail for felony domestic violence. So in my head taking the child into my home was a no brainer. This was my doodle bug, what I didn't know is that God had brought me my child. That night I ended up turning the parents into Child Protection because this beautiful baby boy at five months of age was covered in bruises. Because the baby was part Indian he had to go to a home with a native american parent until his tribe approved of me. I worked with his tribe and they not only approved of his living with us and being adopted by us if his parents could not care for him. One month after his first birthday we officially became is legal permanent guardians and one year later his parents. He is a special needs child and has several problems that will require a lot of attention and help from his mommy. I don't mind, I work with him as much as I can. Every therapist that has worked with him and evaluated him has said they can tell I work with him because is more advanced than most kids his age with his disabilities. That makes me proud. My second fiance wanted to go be a long haul truck driver. I broke off that engagement because I did not want to be a truck drivers wife. The very idea of my husband not being home every night was insane while I knew there were people that did it I did not believe I would be one of them. God again laughed at me. Four years after we got married my husband announced to me that he wanted to go to truck driving school and be a long haul truck driver. So ever since then I have been a truckers wife. I wanted a husband that came home from work every night to a home cooked meal. Just goes to show we don't always get what we want in the way we want it. My husband still comes home generally at night and when I know he is coming home its to a home cooked meal. I figured I was smart enough and wanted it bad enough and was capable enough that I could lose weight on my own. Then my health started going downhill, my weight wouldn't budge one way or another and my body started breaking down. Can't do it myself. I'm so tired of struggling and wondering when do I get my break. I know when. When I get qualified and approved for this surgery. As I have said before even though I haven't even gotten a first meeting with a surgeon I am moving forward like I have already been approved and just waiting for a date. I am going to look forward to no more pain and illness.