Stuck In Quicksand
When I was a child I steered clear of anger and confrontation. Even now, I truly hate it. But as things continue, I can feel anger and resentment building in me. What has always happened in the past (which I believe is the case with many women since we seldom feel heard) is I will put up with things and grin and bear it until I can't stand it anymore... and I just blow. This is what it took for me to speak up... then to file for divorce. But now I am feeling ignored and suffocated again.
I would say powerless, but this time I did hand over my own power. I felt I should stick by him and help him recover through this surgery (deep down I think I was buying a little more time too since i do realize ALL the work will fall on my shoulders . Sorting through and getting rid of things... figuring out and agreeing to settling debt between us.)
Today was to be his foot surgery--- (an in out procedure, but he will be unable to bear ANY weight on the foot for another 3 weeks.) But it got delayed for probably another 2 weeks (til he gets another clearance) So I have at least 5 more weeks of playing Merry Maid and Nancy Nurse! I know it is not his fault , but practically everything he says or does annoys me right now.
I have come to realize that I can vent some of the frustration and pedal away on my stationary bike... exercise does seem to help. I did the bike for awhile today. Should get back on it , am just stuck and cranky!!!
Feeling like my ankles are sinking in that proverbial quicksand and never getting out!!!
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Sounds like that big dark cloud is stuck over head....You must stay positive and keep focused on the priorities. You cannot allow outside things to distract you. One day at a time...
Maybe that is where all this anger does lie? With myself--- because i am the one who did again put him and his well being (as well as others) ahead of myself. Again making myself or my happiness a non priority.
I got on the stationary bike one time and made a destination. Finally got there a few days later(in un-reality only). It occupied my brain for a while.
You can always vent here!
Thanks. I do like that idea... The Bahamas or a small secluded beach would be perfect. Somewhere I did not have to get up at daybreak to head to work, and would not be spending all my time waiting on everyone else. It would be a welcome change to just be able to chill, kick back and relax.
PS You all should be tired of my venting by now. :(
One womans venting is another mans pasttime.
Try to remember what to do if you are stuck in quicksand. Don’t Panic. Don’t fight it. Calmly paddle yourself to firmer ground. That’s what you are doing now so be patient with yourself.(except maybe the panic) Keep on that bike. Eat healthier. Traini your mind to be clearer. The rest will follow.
It’s nice to help stbx. Every one needs it after a hospital visit. But you can do the nurse thing then go do something for yourself. He doesn’t need you every minute. Well he may think he does but, no. He really doesn’t. Let him be a big boy so you can feel a freer woman. You decided this was your time so you need to learn to start taking some.
Hi veggie! And hello to all others here. :-)
Laughter and plenty of smiles are good for the soul; uplifting for the spirit. Many times, I've been the Merry Maid myself :-), and the Nancy Nurse. And yes, I had to vent off the steam of it all too. It takes a good person to show compassion, and it shows that you are not afraid of opposition. I am proud of you! Many hugs!
"Accept that your STBX is not willing to act in your best interest, or with your needs in mind, and remove that responsibility from him, and place it back in your own hands."
This is a piece of advice I recently read, and it resonates with me. You have to plan your own life, have to "remove that responsibility" from your husband. Once you do, you feel 100% in charge of your own life, can embrace it and do things that at the moment seem impossible (sorting through finances, splitting assets, packing). All of that stuff really is the small stuff. Once you understand that you're in control of your life, you will feel empowered and find that reserve of strength to move on.
With every little delay whether it be that you're scared, he has a surgery, you're waiting for the kids to graduate, whatever, every delay puts your further from taking the responsibility for your life away from your husband. There will always be "one more thing" you're waiting for before you go full throttle with the divorce. There will never be an ideal time. Veggie I mean to not be harsh, but you're letting him control your life and ultimately your happiness. You've been on here awhile, and you're still in quicksand. Time to get on your belly and wiggle out. You are the only one who can. Don't wait any longer. Cut and run.
@ jojored--- you are very right. I have been on here awhile. And I have allowed him (and fear) to control me. When I look back, It was last November... 10 months ago... That was when the opportunity arose and I put money aside and decided this was what I thought I wanted . to do. I spoke with him, waited a few weeks to see an attorney. Waited awhile after getting a "no way" from him. Finally went back to the attorney and the divorce was filed the end of March. A delay caused another month to go by before he was actually served (but I have been telling him it was coming).... now 4 months later and here we are again.
it is funny that you say about putting the responsibility for my life in his hands. Ironically, that is what I hate the most. it should be two of us working together ... responsible for the upkeep of OUR home, watching finances, trying to get down debt, each helping the other when one grows weary. In our case, I feel like a mom having to bear the brunt of everything and that is wearing on me too. he takes responsibility for noone (including himself.
....and he never will take on the responsibility. Especially when he has you to manage things on his behalf. Even without you, he's not going to change, it just isn't in his DNA. I'm sure there's a term for it, maybe "learned helplessness" and my brother is very much the same way. He's disabled, but could be doing so much more. He was always a "poor little me" kid when we were young (he wasn't disabled as a kid) and since he had an accident years ago and lost some mobility, he's let that mentality rule his life. He never really did the PT he needed to over the years, so his body wasted. Booze and drugs did him in, he'll never get better. But he doesn't want to, he still wants to be "poor little me". Sound familiar?
I think you need to get away from the "it should be the two of us, being a team, helping each other out, etc" thinking and lamenting, and KNOW, know in your heart, that where you are with him is where you will be forever, as long as you stay. Forget the shoulda/coulda stuff, look at the reality. Build your future on what IS, not what you wanted or believed should be. You're just too smart and funny and vibrant to allow yourself to waste away, even one second longer. I should know, I wasted 7 years of my life. Cut. And. Run.
Wow queen: that is some valid advice. Voice of experience. I love the ‘build on what is’. That’s why I said I don’t believe in hope so much anymore. What I have to work with now is the only real thing I can trust. That doesn’t mean we can’t make intelligent plans for our future. Just don’t dwell in that hypothetical future. Real change happens every time we do something positive now. Love to you
To both of you---Thanks. :)