STUCK IN MY CHRYSALIS

i know im not alone the problem is i know that now but when my medicine doesnt work and its dark outside and memories come back i forget that. and something im learning is when i get like that its because im not in the current time i know that sounds weird but my mind goes back to when this was all happening in middle school and im that person again mentally i mean im very scared and alone and feel like i have no one cuz then i didnt i had literally NO1 I hadnt met ryan or lavy or laura or  any1 and i didnt even have my mom on my side then. so its not that me n laura n ryan dont click cuz when im with them im the happiest ive ever been I cant be depressed around Ryan cuz all he has to do is look at me and i cant help but smile cuz i see in his eyes that he truly loves me and I never stopped lovng him. And Laura can make me smile when I feel like ill never be happy again she just says something stupid that only the 2 of us would laugh at and I cant be sad and when things are serious shes there to listen but we do have our fights and thats what happened that night she was upset with me and my mind blew it up and made me think i was ruining her life and she was better without me and Ryan has college and a job so he doesnt always have time to just talk ya know and i love him and understand but at that point i couldnt get ahold of any1 i cared about and I just felt forgotten and blew things way outa proportion. so I got upset for no reason and was back to that feeling that i needed to cut and it was a huge mess in my head but im much better now and i have counseling tommorrow and tuesday so ill talk to both of them about it... people tell me everything is gonna be ok and if id just pray it would fix everything because i do pray! I Pray all day long i just start talking to God randomly in my head throughout the day I mean he doesnt talk back of course lol but i know he hears me and he does answer alot of my prayers. Ive just been stuck on this emotional rollercoaster and its been going alot faster and become alot scarrier in the past month because im talking about what was done to me and reliving it and having more flashbacks and NEW flashbacks and sometimes i just get really down but I know in my heart Im not alone and i do have ppl that care about me and i care about that want me to be okay and wouldnt be better off without me Its all confusing to me but im learning alot about myself and why i react to certain things the way i do. I talked to Lavy for 3 hours last night and i told her all the changes ive been noticing and the scarry things and the things im proud of and what I want to accomplish in the very near future and how much i really do miss church. And If I trusted our pastor Id be back there in a split second i go back every now and then when someone else preaches but our pastor hurt me bad and lavy knows and understands why i am hessitant to go back there. But I DO want my church back I want my relationship with MY God back not the one everyone tells me about that is just up there deciding whether im good or bad but the one that loves me even when i screw up and make a fool outa myself. the one that forgives me if i truly ask for it and the one that wants me to be with him forever and wants to heal me and make me happy. I want so badly to know him better but When I try the devil attacks my life so much that i fall and I fight until im so tired it hurts and i feel like im going backwards. I push ahead trying to grow spiritually and i feel like im losing and becoming less and less a part of his army and more apart of this world and i hate that. I have so much in my head and everyone says they hope this is a for good thing and not just a right now thing but with all my heart i promise this is what i truly want I dont wanna be a cutter i dont wanna be depressed i dont wanna be a victim and I def dont wanna die. Ive screwed my life up so badly with all of this and I just want to get it back I wanna be whole again. I wanna turn from this ugly slow caterpillar into the beautiful butterfly God wants me to be that feels freedom and wholeness. I wanna be okay no better than okay I wanna be the princess Lavy and everyone told me i am lol The only problem is IDK how to do it Im gonna try my hardest to read the bible more well since i dont read it at all right now i should say im gonna try to read it. I want my life back i want God to take control away from the devil Im tired of this Hell im stuck in. I wanna be FREE!!!