Stuck in an Ugly Moment
OK. So, fate or G*d or some other entity beyond my knowing clearly doesn't want that previous story out there. I can't go through typing it again, nor do I want to go through the retelling. Too much pain.
It kills me how even 16 months post DDay the pain can still bring me to my emotional knees sometimes. At least I do not live on my knees anymore, I guess.
What kills me even more is that I have it relatively easy. Yup. I said it. I got it better than a whole slew of other folks. My H's A was relatively short. He never claimed (to her or to me) to love her. He never pulled the "I love you but I am IN LOVE with her," or "I just can't choose," bit. He claims he was trying to end things with her prior to being caught because he says he realized he wanted to be with me and what a mistake t was to get involved with her. He may still have to occasionally work with her, but it isn't every day and in fact has only been a few times in the last year and a half (and never alone like before). They did not create a baby together. He did not contract (or pass on to me) any STDs. He has been remorseful and worked to change his attitudes and behaviors which could lead to a reconnection with OW or another affair altogether. He has gone out of his way to try to be loving and affectionate. He has opened up all the areas of his life to which I previously had no access and tried to be as open and transparent as possible.
Now, nevermind that he fails sometimes or at least misses the mark. He has worked and often worked VERY hard to make things right.
But holy shit. Some wounds just do not ever heal right.
Especially when something comes along and rips off the scabs. (Aaah, yeah, but the Easter post got eaten so enough about the ill fated eaten post.)
Even though I have given up on asking why - why did you do it why did you lie why did you pick her why did you lie why did you deny it after caught why did you shut me out whywhywhy - mostly because no answer shy of, "She held a knife to one of our children and swore she would kill each of them if I didn't have sex with her," is going to come even close to answering for his actions - and even then - I'm still going to darkly wonder why he picked the kids over our marriage. *snort*
But yeah... no. No one held a knife to one of our kids - or to him. No one had a gun to his head. He chose. He chose selfishly and thoughtlessly and no why will ever be satisfyiing. Ever. So no point asking.
So now it isn't so much about asking why but really asking, "How can I ever feel safe again?" I don't necessarily even mean in a hypervigilant, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," way, but just... I am always one trigger away from having this scar picked at. I am always one not-that-bad-but-not-very-considerate choice of his away from something inside me breaking.
I guess it is a little like PTSD in some ways. A turn off a phrase or a song or a date on a calendar, and it is as if am teleported back to that fateful day when everything was revealed. It isn't even as if he has done or said something thoughtless or bad, it is just that I /remember/ what happened as if it just happened and it HURTS SO MUCH.
And then there are the times when he just flat out screws up. He will be secretive or make a decision without consulting me or he will leave without telling me or leaving a note or he will be careless with his words or... and those moments feel like brand new betrayals of epic proportion, not because they are so big but because they are a reminder of the thing that was so big.
I try to remind myself over and over that this is now not then. I try to remind myself that I would shrivel up and die if he threw every mistake I have ever made in my face (K sometimes he does, so maybe I should say WHEN he does) but being ever present is a lot harder to me than I can explain.
If I live forever in the ugly moment that was I will miss millions of beautiful moments that are/could be. So why do I let ugly moments win? I can't answer that.
It kills me how even 16 months post DDay the pain can still bring me to my emotional knees sometimes. At least I do not live on my knees anymore, I guess.
What kills me even more is that I have it relatively easy. Yup. I said it. I got it better than a whole slew of other folks. My H's A was relatively short. He never claimed (to her or to me) to love her. He never pulled the "I love you but I am IN LOVE with her," or "I just can't choose," bit. He claims he was trying to end things with her prior to being caught because he says he realized he wanted to be with me and what a mistake t was to get involved with her. He may still have to occasionally work with her, but it isn't every day and in fact has only been a few times in the last year and a half (and never alone like before). They did not create a baby together. He did not contract (or pass on to me) any STDs. He has been remorseful and worked to change his attitudes and behaviors which could lead to a reconnection with OW or another affair altogether. He has gone out of his way to try to be loving and affectionate. He has opened up all the areas of his life to which I previously had no access and tried to be as open and transparent as possible.
Now, nevermind that he fails sometimes or at least misses the mark. He has worked and often worked VERY hard to make things right.
But holy shit. Some wounds just do not ever heal right.
Especially when something comes along and rips off the scabs. (Aaah, yeah, but the Easter post got eaten so enough about the ill fated eaten post.)
Even though I have given up on asking why - why did you do it why did you lie why did you pick her why did you lie why did you deny it after caught why did you shut me out whywhywhy - mostly because no answer shy of, "She held a knife to one of our children and swore she would kill each of them if I didn't have sex with her," is going to come even close to answering for his actions - and even then - I'm still going to darkly wonder why he picked the kids over our marriage. *snort*
But yeah... no. No one held a knife to one of our kids - or to him. No one had a gun to his head. He chose. He chose selfishly and thoughtlessly and no why will ever be satisfyiing. Ever. So no point asking.
So now it isn't so much about asking why but really asking, "How can I ever feel safe again?" I don't necessarily even mean in a hypervigilant, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," way, but just... I am always one trigger away from having this scar picked at. I am always one not-that-bad-but-not-very-considerate choice of his away from something inside me breaking.
I guess it is a little like PTSD in some ways. A turn off a phrase or a song or a date on a calendar, and it is as if am teleported back to that fateful day when everything was revealed. It isn't even as if he has done or said something thoughtless or bad, it is just that I /remember/ what happened as if it just happened and it HURTS SO MUCH.
And then there are the times when he just flat out screws up. He will be secretive or make a decision without consulting me or he will leave without telling me or leaving a note or he will be careless with his words or... and those moments feel like brand new betrayals of epic proportion, not because they are so big but because they are a reminder of the thing that was so big.
I try to remind myself over and over that this is now not then. I try to remind myself that I would shrivel up and die if he threw every mistake I have ever made in my face (K sometimes he does, so maybe I should say WHEN he does) but being ever present is a lot harder to me than I can explain.
If I live forever in the ugly moment that was I will miss millions of beautiful moments that are/could be. So why do I let ugly moments win? I can't answer that.
Replies
Wow do I know how you feel!!!! I could have written a lot of your entry. I feel as you do that my situation isn\'t as bad as some. E also never claimed to her or me that he loved her. There were no pregnancies or STD\'s (according to him, they never had sex). He never intended to leave me. He has no contact whatsoever with her, not that he would anyway because she\'s a whack job. I don\'t even feel that he\'ll ever do it again. I believe E is a good man who made a bad choice and has remorse.
BUT...if you read my last 2 journal entries, you\'ll see that in spite of how great he\'s been, how hard he\'s tried, he can still behave in a way that brings all the pain right back to the surface. What\'s even more frustrating is his lack of understanding about why the A is always right there under the surface. Anyway, I don\'t want to highjack. I just want to tell you that you\'re not alone and that I totally get you. I\'ve learned that this is a huge roller coaster. Eventually, the rollercoaster has less hills, but they do still appear. Just ride it out. Sending you support.
It\'s funny, I read Z\'s journal the day before yours and I also thought \'hm, I know someone else feeling this way\'.
I hate that infidelity has this kind of effect on someone for months and years after. To me, that is why it is so very wrong.
Hill, true, but people don\'t really understand the devastation until they experience it. Sad.