Stuck in a Rut
Friday, December 4, 2009 - 2:45 PM I was unable to keep my appointments with Dr. Martin and Dale this week because of the frigid temperatures. The daytime highs have been about 16°, with overnight lows in the sub zeros. I am just not physically fit enough to go out in this type of weather. The snow has finally stopped, and the temperatures are supposed to get into the upper 30s during the weekend. All of this is coming before we get another blast of winter with more snow predicted for Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I can hardly wait -- not! The holiday blues have finally hit me. This was not entirely unexpected. I feel this way almost every year. There is just too much stress nowadays, and I can still remember how easy it was during my childhood, with a less hectic pace. I guess those days are gone forever. I am going through another one of those times when I feel as though I am just stuck in a rut. I get up every day and seem to do the exact thing as I did the day prior to that. There has to be something more to life than this. I have gotten to the point where I do not want to do anything. For the most part, I do not want to be around anyone else, nor do I want to talk to anyone. I am living as a hermit thanks to my self-imposed incarceration behind my locked door. On those rare occasions when I feel fortunate enough to be alive, I consider that a good day because those are few and far between.
Replies
Are you taking your meds???
Are you honoring one way or another, the anniversaries of deaths that happened this time of year? Do it. Yell, scream, cry, write a locked journal, or bake a cake. Get it over with.
Because you\'re allowed to have YOUR OWN holiday too!
Stop giving the power to enjoy things to ghosts and people from your PAST. You have a medical team to help you deal with them, and you have been, and will continue.
But geez man, you\'re allowed to take a break! Things that you find funny are still allowed to be funny!
I don\'t think this is all depression with you. It\'s you not giving yourself permission again to think you\'re worthy of what others are worthy of.
So, go ahead and feel bad, BUT DON\'T STAY THERE TOO LONG!
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
\"Are you taking your meds???\"
Yes, I\'m taking my meds - at least most of them. And I just can\'t honor the anniversaries of deaths. It\'s all too painful.
\"Things that you find funny are still allowed to be funny!\"
NOTHING is funny these days.
\"I don\'t think this is all depression with you. It\'s you not giving yourself permission again to think you\'re worthy of what others are worthy of.\"
You see, that\'s just it, and NO ONE GETS IT! I\'m not worthy of anything - including being alive.
\"So, go ahead and feel bad, BUT DON\'T STAY THERE TOO LONG!\"
Okay, don\'t shout. I heard you. I\'m working on it.
Hugs,
Jim
Honor - I had an English writing prof that said something about not always sticking to the traditional definition or usage of a word.
When I say honor, I don\'t mean with balloons and stars and happy things. I just mean, use some time to acknowledge how you feel. It\'s honoring YOURSELF, and the healing process you\'re trying to go through. If it\'s painful, you say it\'s painful, and then you\'re done. It doesn\'t have to be a big deal. Just say out loud \'this really sucks\'. And then take a moment, and find something else to do.
On Memorial Day, honoring the dead isn\'t a pleasant day for those who lost family in war. But it honors their feelings, their memories of who they lost, themselves.
So, are you still watching The Closer? Do the comic relief moments still make you laugh? THAT\'S what I mean about finding things funny. The episode with Mr. Box where they opened the container in Brenda Lee\'s office and she went all girly squeal... Funny!
Jim..... my very long friend here. You are worthy. You\'re letting the voices and experiences of people WHO WEREN\'T THE BOSS OF YOUR FEELINGS do exactly that. I know you\'re working on it. Just don\'t lose sight of what\'s right. They WEREN\'T right.
YOU DECIDE what\'s right. Go back in time with Dr. Martin, and pretend you\'re that child, and say \'NO\'. The RIGHT to say that was manipulated away from you Jim.
And, don\'t forget what Dr. Martin has said, that you\'re not alone in your feelings. And what you\'re doing IS DIFFICULT.
But everyone takes a vacation from their job. Or they should. So if your job is working through your past, be sure to give yourself time off once in awhile.
No one expects miracles or rainbows from you in the next 5 minutes. But sometimes I think you need \'nudged\'... to not stay stuck.
If I nudge too hard, let me know. I\'ll take the hit.
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
It\'s honoring YOURSELF, and the healing process you\'re trying to go through.\"
I realize I\'m trying to go through the healing process, but I\'m not quite sure that I should honor myself for doing this. I will give myself some credit as I go through the necessary steps for healing because I could always turn the other way and continue suffering throughout the rest of my life. I just will not do that.
\"So, are you still watching The Closer? Do the comic relief moments still make you laugh?\"
As a matter of fact, I just watched The Closer last night. It was a new episode, which had some good, comical moments. I have also found a kind of interviews show starring Joyce Behar, which I sometimes find to be quite funny. I have not lost my ability to laugh entirely. If that ever happens, then I am in REALLY BIG TROUBLE!
\"Jim..... my very long friend here. You are worthy. You\'re letting the voices and experiences of people WHO WEREN\'T THE BOSS OF YOUR FEELINGS do exactly that. I know you\'re working on it. Just don\'t lose sight of what\'s right. They WEREN\'T right.\"
Some of the people who abused me only had negative things to say about me. That even extended to some people in my own family. I heard it so often and so much, that it seems to be ingrained within me. There are occasions when I still believe that what they said was actually right. I have tried changing my thinking on this, but have not been able to do it as yet, but that does not mean that I have given up trying. When someone pounds something into your head over and over again, it is difficult to get rid of that thought.
\"But sometimes I think you need \'nudged\'... to not stay stuck.
If I nudge too hard, let me know. I\'ll take the hit.\"
Keep on nudging me whenever you think I need it, because I probably do. If a good friend cannot nudge me, then who can?