Stuck in a Rut

I knew it would come, another brick wall. Right now it seems like i can't do or say anything right when it comes to my husband. I think that I can see it mainly stems from his job and his best friend.
He hates where he works. The politics and stress and toll on his body are not worth it, the only things that are would be the pay and the benefits. He makes a lot more than most of our friends. But he stays there "for us", being his family. I've told him numerous times to find another job, but really he gets a lot of ideas of what he could do and doesn't ever act on them. So here he remains,suffering, which in turn causes suffering on me and our relationship.
When I bring up the fact that he could do something about it he comes back with remarks like "yeah right, you're way too used to living with the money i make", "why don't you get a job and see what it's like?",
I'm very sick of him holding it against me and he even brought up the fact that he didn't get the job for me, he got it because of his ex-fiancee in order "to pass the time". I understand that he feels pressure as the only one making money and because we have another lil one on the way, but I really wish he'd man up and do something that wouldn't cause us all misery. All I want is for him to be happy but it's pointless telling him so.
Another sore subject is his best friend, whose wife happens to be one of my best friends. I want to say I like this guy but in all reality i think he's a slime bucket. (Maybe I'm being a bit harsh because I'm upset...) Anyway, I definitely think she is way too good for him and he's treated her horribly unfairly including cheating on her.
I don't know why but I can't stop holdingĀ  this grudge against him for that amongst other things. It just feels like he's the biggest spur in my foot at this point in life. It's true, it's not very fair of me to always be taking jabs at him whenever he comes up in conversation with my husband. But I just can't get all of the stupid things he does out of my head and I feel like he's negatively effecting my husband's actions and train of thought, while my husband unfortunately idolizes him.
And I'm for certain not appreciating how because of it all he seems to be taking precedent over me and my family. I know it's wrong for me to always be attacking his character, he is not all bad, but I feel the larger percent of him is. And because I do, my husband has to constantly defend him and I make myself look bad. It's a stupid trap i've put myself in.
All my girlfriends with children have recently had to find jobs and make extra money to help support their families. While it's nice not to have to, I also feel worthless and lazy for not doing the same thing. When times are good, I'm always told "You'll never ever have to work again" however when we're on bad terms it "why don't you get a @#$&* job, while i stay home with the kids and do fun stuff?". It's confusing and hurtful.
I just don't know what to do. I know things always get better but this is surmounting to be a very long and deep struggle. All I care about is our family being healthy, happy and taken care of.
I'm in a pit of guilt/confusion/frustration/anger/sadness/jealousy and hope feels very far away. I don't want to be showing my husband in the wrong light, he is genuinely a good-hearted loving man. But right now I am so fed up with what's going on and feel helpless.

Replies

johnnycake
johnnycake

There is undoubtedly a little give and take in every relationship, and probably some push-away and come-back as well. The health of a relationship can be measured by how frequent and extreme these cycles become. You seem ready to give up responsibility for your husband\'s behavior, and THAT is a VERY GOOD thing.

You are probably right about criticizing your husband\'s best friend. Your husband isn\'t listening, and your opinion is just an annoyance. I don\'t know why your best friend puts up with being cheated on. Let that be her problem. You have the right to make it clear that the man isn\'t welcome at your house unless the better half comes along with him.

Jobs can provide a lot of personal satisfaction, but they also create a lot of stress. Trying to succeed by managing your husband\'s career doesn\'t seem to be working for you. You might want to spend part of your time NOT thinking about him or the new baby, but about how you might re-enter the workforce a few years down the road. Starting to plan now will simplify things for you in the future.

For the present, spend some time thinking about things the two of you ARE doing right in your marriage. You obviously have a lot of respect for him, and your family is well provided-for. Are you saving any money for the future? If you can\'t set some regular income aside in long-term investments, it will be difficult to convince your husband that you could be happy with a smaller income. For you to accept any McJob at this time will only convince him that he isn\'t doing enough. Note: college happens to be a pretty good long term investment, and also cures the \"worthless.and lazy\" blues.

P.S. If he resents you staying home to do \"fun stuff,\" just don\'t let him know when you do any. I think he is just bitching, but he needs to learn about being consistently honest, even when he is angry and frustrated. Sending mixed messages is a manipulative means of eroding another person\'s sanity and self-esteem.