Struggling with GA
I went again to my GA meeting Friday, it is the only closed meeting in this area. 8 guys and me. One offered to be my sponsor, but to be honest he was one of the creepiest guys I've ever met. I really didn't know what to say, never been in a position like this before. My hinky meter was rising steadily. Came home feeling sick.I'm not looking for coddling or sugar coated platitudes, but that wasn't the problem. He was just pervy, and I don't trust him. With all the things I'm dealing with I really don't want to have to filter everything I say to a sponsor.
I do have a counselor from the state sponsored program who I speak with, and maybe I should just stick with him for the time being. So far, GA has been really uncomfortable for me, not the program, just the people.
I guess I expected them all, or at least some of them to be "eastwesters". Instead they are "checking-me-out north-southers!"
I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of the open meetings that are the alternative. I have a business here, and it would just add more financial pressure if it got out that I had been blowing my hard earned money at the casino. This is a pretty small city, probably 3 degrees of separation between everybody, and although people promise to keep it all there, I know human nature and it would go viral pretty damn quickly. Since a successful business is the only thing that can help me not lose anything, I can't risk it.
So I have the literature, will work the program, but feel very disappointed that it will be, with the exception of my phone conversations and forum activity, a solitary endeavor.
I do have a counselor from the state sponsored program who I speak with, and maybe I should just stick with him for the time being. So far, GA has been really uncomfortable for me, not the program, just the people.
I guess I expected them all, or at least some of them to be "eastwesters". Instead they are "checking-me-out north-southers!"
I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of the open meetings that are the alternative. I have a business here, and it would just add more financial pressure if it got out that I had been blowing my hard earned money at the casino. This is a pretty small city, probably 3 degrees of separation between everybody, and although people promise to keep it all there, I know human nature and it would go viral pretty damn quickly. Since a successful business is the only thing that can help me not lose anything, I can't risk it.
So I have the literature, will work the program, but feel very disappointed that it will be, with the exception of my phone conversations and forum activity, a solitary endeavor.
Replies
Yikes! I wouldn\'t want a creepy person for a sponsor either. It\'s important to listen to you gut instincts! BTW, keep up the fab Gamble Free work!
Great advice , as usual :)
I really hadn\'t thought about other women coming in eventually, am sure it will happen. And as far as calling people out, it\'s usually not my MO, I tend to just avoid them, but in this context it\'s not possible.
The reason I am concerned about having someone find out that I attend GA is that one of my businesses is in mortgage lending. I have access to peoples private information, ss#\'s, bank statements, credit reports, copies of drivers licenses,everything. It is the perfect job for a potential identity thief.* I* would never allow my personal information to fall in the hands of a problem gambler!
I never would compromise their information, but that fear could destroy my business, and any hope of paying off the property taxes I gambled away that could make us lose our home as early as next fall.
I have yet to attend a GA meeting. I really want to go, in a way. I want to stop and feel it is my best option, but I have to tell you the truth, I am afraid to work ALL the steps. If I am completely honest [and I know I have to be, or it is useless], what will happen when I have to do a ninth step. I have done things that I am deeply sorry for, but that could actually get me in real trouble. Can you pick and choose. I am in another 12 step program so I know how this works. I also live in a small town, the nearest GA meeting is 30 min away [The nearest casino less than 10]. I am not making excuses and I will at least check it out. I think it seems like you have a good handle on things. Just wanted to let you know I enjoy reading your POSITIVE posts.
Atticus, this is my first time for a recovery program, so I\'m not at all sure about the rules for the 9th step. I wouldn\'t avoid going though due to fear about what is going to happen when you get there.
I\'ve realized throughout my life that fear is the most paralyzing emotion we can have. It stops us from being who we want to be, keeps us in an unhealthy comfort zone, and helps create an emotional and physical jam-up.
Don\'t be afraid to go to GA because you are fearful of what you need to do 9 steps down the line. Be afraid NOT to go to GA because of what may become of your life a few months down the line.
GA is there to help you gain the tools and strength and support to get healthy. And by the time you get to the ninth step, I\'m sure you will have progressed enough in your recovery to know what you need to do then.
And I really enjoy your posts too! Please keep posting and journaling. This site has kept me afloat more than I can ever imagine, as I\'m sure it has done for many others.