Struggling to deal with grief.
Hi,
My name is Katie.
Last year, a day before my 18th birthday my Dad had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. I didn't know what to do, he was at his friends house when it happened and I wasn't there. But, I went to see him before he went in the Ambulance and I remember thinking to myself he's going to die. I had never felt anything like the pain I felt when I saw the ambulance guys trying to resuscitate him. I still see it in my head now. I had a panic attack, I couldn't deal with it. I remember feeling like I was being suffocated and everyone I saw felt like a stranger to me.
My Dad was rushed to hospital, and he was in intensive care for 10 days. I didn't go to see him at first because I was in shock, I didn't know what to do. But, the day after my birthday I went to see him. When I walked into the room and saw him on the bed, I didn't know what to do. It was like I was punched in the heart. I held his hand, and talked to him. When I left, I cried the way home in the taxi. And, it got worse from there. After a few days of intensive care, the doctors started trying to wake him up but there was no luck, he didn't react at all. He hadn't had any oxygen to his brain for half an hour when he had the heart attack so this had a really bad effect on his brain.
I was meant to be going on a camping trip with my college, but I didn't go. I turned up at college a few days later and I saw my friends, I wanted to break down in tears there and then. I tried to hold it together, it was so hard. When I got home, I went to see my Dad again and everyday I never gave up hope. I wanted him to wake up so badly.
I felt so daft sometimes, just sitting there next to him talking. But, I believed he could hear me. I know he could. Sometimes I would feel him squeeze my hand, but when I told the doctors later they said that it was just a spasm in his muscle. But, I know that he knew I was there. I believed it. A few days later the doctors said they couldn't do no more for him so they were going to turn the machines to see if he could breathe on his own. I was frantic, I wasn't prepared for it at all. I didn't want them to do it. I believed he would wake up soon. All I wanted was for him to wake up, and surprise everyone. He was so strong, he'd been through a lot in his life and I just wanted him to wake up.
About an hour before they were going to switch the machines off, I felt him squeeze my hand and the nurse also felt him do this to her aswell. This gave us all hope that he would wake up. So the doctors said they were going to keep the machines on longer to see if he reacted anymore.
On the 15th May 2014, my Dad passed away. It had been 10 days that he was in Intensive Care, he hadn't made any progess. I couldn't deal with it, I shouted and screamed at the doctors. I felt that they were taking my Dad away from me. I was in the room when they turned the machines off and I said goodbye to my Dad. It was the worst day of my life. I'd never felt so much pain in my heart, never cried so much.
It's nearly a year since my Dad died, and I haven't dealt with this at all. I'm stronger than I was in the first few months but there is a hole in my heart that can never be healed. Every day when I wake up I feel sadness. I break down in tears a lot, and I suffer with panic attacks. I have tried talking to family and close friends but it doesn't help. Whenever I feel happy for a moment, I remember that my Dad has died and this makes me sad.
I am currently in my first year at University, I know how proud my Dad would be off me, so all of my achievements are for him. I want to be someone who he is proud of. He always made me believe in myself, right from when I was a young child.
I miss him everyday.
My name is Katie.
Last year, a day before my 18th birthday my Dad had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital. I didn't know what to do, he was at his friends house when it happened and I wasn't there. But, I went to see him before he went in the Ambulance and I remember thinking to myself he's going to die. I had never felt anything like the pain I felt when I saw the ambulance guys trying to resuscitate him. I still see it in my head now. I had a panic attack, I couldn't deal with it. I remember feeling like I was being suffocated and everyone I saw felt like a stranger to me.
My Dad was rushed to hospital, and he was in intensive care for 10 days. I didn't go to see him at first because I was in shock, I didn't know what to do. But, the day after my birthday I went to see him. When I walked into the room and saw him on the bed, I didn't know what to do. It was like I was punched in the heart. I held his hand, and talked to him. When I left, I cried the way home in the taxi. And, it got worse from there. After a few days of intensive care, the doctors started trying to wake him up but there was no luck, he didn't react at all. He hadn't had any oxygen to his brain for half an hour when he had the heart attack so this had a really bad effect on his brain.
I was meant to be going on a camping trip with my college, but I didn't go. I turned up at college a few days later and I saw my friends, I wanted to break down in tears there and then. I tried to hold it together, it was so hard. When I got home, I went to see my Dad again and everyday I never gave up hope. I wanted him to wake up so badly.
I felt so daft sometimes, just sitting there next to him talking. But, I believed he could hear me. I know he could. Sometimes I would feel him squeeze my hand, but when I told the doctors later they said that it was just a spasm in his muscle. But, I know that he knew I was there. I believed it. A few days later the doctors said they couldn't do no more for him so they were going to turn the machines to see if he could breathe on his own. I was frantic, I wasn't prepared for it at all. I didn't want them to do it. I believed he would wake up soon. All I wanted was for him to wake up, and surprise everyone. He was so strong, he'd been through a lot in his life and I just wanted him to wake up.
About an hour before they were going to switch the machines off, I felt him squeeze my hand and the nurse also felt him do this to her aswell. This gave us all hope that he would wake up. So the doctors said they were going to keep the machines on longer to see if he reacted anymore.
On the 15th May 2014, my Dad passed away. It had been 10 days that he was in Intensive Care, he hadn't made any progess. I couldn't deal with it, I shouted and screamed at the doctors. I felt that they were taking my Dad away from me. I was in the room when they turned the machines off and I said goodbye to my Dad. It was the worst day of my life. I'd never felt so much pain in my heart, never cried so much.
It's nearly a year since my Dad died, and I haven't dealt with this at all. I'm stronger than I was in the first few months but there is a hole in my heart that can never be healed. Every day when I wake up I feel sadness. I break down in tears a lot, and I suffer with panic attacks. I have tried talking to family and close friends but it doesn't help. Whenever I feel happy for a moment, I remember that my Dad has died and this makes me sad.
I am currently in my first year at University, I know how proud my Dad would be off me, so all of my achievements are for him. I want to be someone who he is proud of. He always made me believe in myself, right from when I was a young child.
I miss him everyday.
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