Struggling Silently
Today I was off and finally decorated the tree. I did always love the holidays... decorating, baking for family and friends, getting to spend Christmas day with family (especially little ones I don't spend much time with.) and the feeling that most people are a bit kinder during this time.
Fact is, most of my life, I have done all this alone. It wasn't til after my dad did counseling for a DUI and I wound up in the family program for ACOAs (an inpatient one week counseling session) that I got a taste of true "family" actually working together. It was suggested as a healing step for us all, that I offer to do things with my dad andkid brother instead of all on my own. We started a new tradition that we did do a few times after. I made doughs up and we had a proverbial bake fest... and fun. (I would discover the sour cream cututs that all love , but I dread rolling out if not enough flour.... Dad loved to do. )
Last year, I did little decorating and was not really into it because I did expect to be out on my own. This year again (although I did half expect to be here because of his healing after his surgery. ) I am still here and feeling myself giving in to making that big step I have been dreaming of... toward independence . Maybe that is why I am being reminded at every turn... I cannot begin to describe how incredibly empty and sad I feel. Part of his deal is to remind me how hard it will be all alone (with him under the same roof, that is how I am anyway. If anything needs to be done, I am the one having to take care of it. )
As each little thing does go wrong, i m finding myself in tears. I am reaching my breaking point (trying to keep the happy face and go through the motions.) is very sad to think that stbx is completely content this way and oblivious. I have tried to explain my feelings to him, but usually winds up in an argument or him not understanding... so I try to keep it to myself... but it is killing me
I don't understand why I have come so far to discover there are actually healthy people with valued traditions they do continue. To me, is just another slap in the face of something I feel I will never find. I am at a very bad place right now and can't seem to get past the tears. :(
Replies
hugs my friend. was there and done that too. You are a strong woman. Let go of those tears. I cried so much that I thought my eyes would be permanently swollen and the Kimberly Clark company would never keep up production of tissues. This time of year is hard on those like us. But please be gentle with yourself. You are still at the starting gate. Do not bother trying to explain how you feel to him. If he never listened before, what makes you think that he will now. I know the feeling of dejection and loneliness. I felt more alone when I was with him than I am now. One day at a time, my friend. One foot in front of the other. When you see him, just smile, turn around and walk away. Please do that for yourself. You are healing, that is why you are seeing things differently. How do you know that you will never find the peace and quiet you are looking for. The family you are looking for. I have a few really good friends and they are more of a family to me than my own kins. Families does not mean blood relatives, it could also mean strangers that treat us with the respect and love we deserve. You are being too hard on yourself, my friend. Hugs.
Hugs Kim. I’m thinking about you.
sorry you are feeling so down right now. Honestly the holidays just amplify and heighten everything too. Be good to yourself right now.
I would like to be there to give you a hug and dry your tears. Change is hard and brings up so many emotions. Some we didn’t expect to feel. Yard-eggs posted a beautiful thought and prayer on the loneliness site. Basically noting that we can really feel alone even in a relationship when we have expectations of the other that aren’t (or may never be) meet. This can lead to feeling rejected and unworthy. I need you to take a deep breath and tell yourself you are worthy and deserving of love and caring. I have waited my whole life to have another validate my worth and have found (through some tears) that I have to give it to myself first. Doing this can certainly feel lonely but will build that inner strength and give you some peace. By removing that fear that has been building up on you. Let all that past fear go and KNOW that you will generate a compassionate circle. Just be freeing yourself to be you.
I am so sorry, Kim. From all the posts I’ve read that you have written, I know you are a strong woman., but a person can only endure so much. Just remember you have family here that care about you. I know it’s not quite the same, but we are here for you. Maybe it’s time to think more about your health and happiness. I don’t like saying this, but maybe it’s time to walk away. I don’t think anyone deserves to endure sadness and emptiness for as long as you have. You deserve to be loved in the true sense of the word. Think of all of us who care about you when you’re feeling down. Please, start caring about yourself. You are in my prayers.
My mind is blank right now as I am having a hard time finding the right words so my answer will be the same as finallyawakenow
Just try not to take life so seriously....
God Bless
Hugs to you Kim this can be a very difficult time of year for so many. I am here if you need to chat my friend you are not alone
thank you all for the kind words and hugs. (If only you were all close by instead of behind the laptop. ) I am feeling alot better today than yesterday. THANK YOU ALL . :)
Glad to hear you are having a better day :) keep smiling beautiful
hugs my friend. good to hear that you are doing better. Please be gentle with yourself.
Stay strong. Don’t let the fight die inside you for that dream!
My First Friend....as you were the first person to reach out to friend me on this site, I am praying for you in this time. as you told me, it will get better, it will get easier. And as always, I am here for you. Much love to you