Struggling is never permanent.

This is what I have to keep reminding myself. It's like a cycle where I go through periods where I don't think about him at all... which scares me. I'm fully regretting that I married him only because now I'm going through this and my future is so uncertain. During these times I'm constantly melancholy and feeling as though something is missing. I'm quick to anger and sad a lot. I take long baths just so I can cry privately and pretend no one else in this tiny cramped apartment can hear me. I don't want to be sad, or wonder what it is he's doing or who he is with. Does he miss me? Does he think of me? These things should not matter to me anymore. They shouldn't but they still haunt my thoughts. Then there are the times where I go days without thinking about him at all. This scares me too, like I'm able to be so heartless to forget - even briefly - the man who I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. I enjoy these times because it hurts so much less.... but I still get that hard shock of how could I ever let it slip my mind? Or how can this be my "normal" now?
 
It's hard to keep my mind where it needs to be. And it's harder to believe that my whole world has changed so dramatically. I hate not having ANY idea of what the future holds. I hate wanting to cry. I just want the divorce to be over and we haven't even gotten started.