Struggle with panic
I am getting a divorce from a man that I have known for 23 years. We have been married for 15 years and I have been wanting to leave for about 10 years. We have no children. We are good friends to an extent but it is hard being married to him. He has an anger issue and when I bring it up it gets him more angry. He never hits me but he emotionally abuses me. I am made to feel less of an important, contributing adult. I am talked down to like a parent scolding a child. My husband does not validate the things that I know meaning that if he does not know something or does not have proof, then what I say is not right or true. We can be around others and he does so well to be the perfect guest and yet when we are alone such as in the car to come home, we have arguments.
Why then am I having these anxiety attacks? Last year, a family member had a stroke and had to be moved from her house to a nursing home. It made me realize that life is short and I do really want to be happy. My STBX and I are amicable on the divorce and at this moment have not filed the papers. He has agreed to pay 95 percent of my car payment for the new vehicle that we just bought. I am struggling with needing to find a new place hopefully in the same town. I am feeling alone as when I look at homes for sale on line, there are nice ones but so empty feeling for just me alone. I am panicking because I am not sure what my sense of purpose is right now.
I work at a college in a computer lab and interact with students on a daily basis. They notice when I am gone and they miss me. They do make my job enjoyable. My STBX and I never had kids and I was always met with an excuse as to why we could not adopt or be foster parents or host a foreign student. The STBX has allergies so there are no dogs or cats. My friends have been the wives of his friends. I have been making a few friends outside of the marriage in the last year to start a new direction but it is hard. We have not yet told our families. I wish my aunt did not have a stroke. We were very close and I could talk to her but not anymore. I feel so alone.
Why then am I having these anxiety attacks? Last year, a family member had a stroke and had to be moved from her house to a nursing home. It made me realize that life is short and I do really want to be happy. My STBX and I are amicable on the divorce and at this moment have not filed the papers. He has agreed to pay 95 percent of my car payment for the new vehicle that we just bought. I am struggling with needing to find a new place hopefully in the same town. I am feeling alone as when I look at homes for sale on line, there are nice ones but so empty feeling for just me alone. I am panicking because I am not sure what my sense of purpose is right now.
I work at a college in a computer lab and interact with students on a daily basis. They notice when I am gone and they miss me. They do make my job enjoyable. My STBX and I never had kids and I was always met with an excuse as to why we could not adopt or be foster parents or host a foreign student. The STBX has allergies so there are no dogs or cats. My friends have been the wives of his friends. I have been making a few friends outside of the marriage in the last year to start a new direction but it is hard. We have not yet told our families. I wish my aunt did not have a stroke. We were very close and I could talk to her but not anymore. I feel so alone.
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