Struggle back to healthy diet and exercise
Ok, so I looked in the mirror and realized that I have really allowed myself to gain a lot of weight this past year. I would guess I am at about 170 now. I have not weighed that much since I had my son. I am about five foot five inches and I have always been active and somewhere between moderately and extremely fit. It is hard to believe that just three and a half years ago I was a size zero. I am certified in personal training and exercise therapy and there is really no excuse for me to throw everything I know out the window but I have. I have lost all self discipline when it comes to diet and exercise. Speaking of self discipline I am also a black belt in kung fu and used to teach. The problem is I have always struggled with self-pity and I when I feel sorry for myself I start justifying and giving into all kinds of unhealthy and or destructive feelings and behaviors. I justified this because no one else would pamper me or comfort me so I would use whatever means available to me that I thought would help me feel good, better or sometimes just undead (feel something, anything.) Sometimes I wanted to be numb so as not to feel the emotional pain but then when I wanted to feel and couldn't after numbing myself with alcohol for so long it terrified me. I have had several nervous break downs I guess in my life and my latest was in 2012 I believe and lasted til well now I guess. I don't know if I was born ill or predisposed and the right set of circumstances happened in my life to kick it in or if my illness is simply a result of bad life choices. I do believe I had symptoms before my teen years when I look back. But my mother and father always had this power over me that I allowed them to have that had almost drove to the point of continually attempting suicide until I would succeed. The only reason I didn't was because of my belief in God and that He loved me. Weird I know it didn't make any sense at all. I don't know why I believed this so strongly but I clung to it. The couple of times I tried to overdose almost immediately I felt regret and fear after I did it in an emotional reactionary response to being hurt and feeling betrayed and abandoned. How could I face God? It wasn't His fault. These were my thoughts and I would not have been able to bear looking into His eyes if He was hurt because of what I did.
Back to 2012 I let my parents move in with us and that was a big mistake. It turned into a major disaster. I became that broken little girl again trapped in a world of abuse, and of the dysfunction of toxic parental relationships. I couldn't deal with how my mom treated my dad in my home and then she somehow managed to get herself and my dad to believe she was the victim. The whole thing was Ludacris and filled with drama and it ended with them moving out on bad terms and then got even worse when my dad called me because she pulled a disappearing act. I had convinced my dad to get my mom some help finally until she returned as if she had never left at all. They were living with my aunt again who up until that incident and several others they had convinced my aunts and probably the rest of our family that I had been absolutely horrible to them. I could go into further detail about the whole thing to further prove my point that it was Ludacris but I feel there is no need. The point is I broke and a couple of other things happened too. I was attacked and got in a fight where I actually felt myself dying again and was begging God in my head to not let me die yet. The person was showing no mercy but finally let up enough to let me go on living. Circumstances were we had to leave where we were so cops would not be called. It gave the person who I was at the mercy of time to cool down some and become more rational. But ever since then I quit working out or trying to eat healthy. I sunk into a super deep depression and had been fighting my way out of it ever since. Now I think it just that I have let myself go to the point that it is hard to get back into the routine and lifestyle again. I basically spent most of last year in bed. It was that bad. Now my antidepressant works well. I just gotta get back into working out again. I gotta get my faith back. I have somehow become distant from God again. I don't know if that is because of my illness but whatever the reason I hate it. I keep finding myself doing it though. I gotta stop. I need Him more than air.
Back to 2012 I let my parents move in with us and that was a big mistake. It turned into a major disaster. I became that broken little girl again trapped in a world of abuse, and of the dysfunction of toxic parental relationships. I couldn't deal with how my mom treated my dad in my home and then she somehow managed to get herself and my dad to believe she was the victim. The whole thing was Ludacris and filled with drama and it ended with them moving out on bad terms and then got even worse when my dad called me because she pulled a disappearing act. I had convinced my dad to get my mom some help finally until she returned as if she had never left at all. They were living with my aunt again who up until that incident and several others they had convinced my aunts and probably the rest of our family that I had been absolutely horrible to them. I could go into further detail about the whole thing to further prove my point that it was Ludacris but I feel there is no need. The point is I broke and a couple of other things happened too. I was attacked and got in a fight where I actually felt myself dying again and was begging God in my head to not let me die yet. The person was showing no mercy but finally let up enough to let me go on living. Circumstances were we had to leave where we were so cops would not be called. It gave the person who I was at the mercy of time to cool down some and become more rational. But ever since then I quit working out or trying to eat healthy. I sunk into a super deep depression and had been fighting my way out of it ever since. Now I think it just that I have let myself go to the point that it is hard to get back into the routine and lifestyle again. I basically spent most of last year in bed. It was that bad. Now my antidepressant works well. I just gotta get back into working out again. I gotta get my faith back. I have somehow become distant from God again. I don't know if that is because of my illness but whatever the reason I hate it. I keep finding myself doing it though. I gotta stop. I need Him more than air.
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