struggeling

 
Hi Journal, Hello ME ! It has been a long time since I was able to journal and that has not been a good thing. I have moved and it is very rural. I have no internet service except what I can get on my smart phone and that is more or less read only. I am doing this entry from my daughters lap top back here at the home place for the weekend.
 Where to start? Well it has been right at two years since I first joined DS and started my journey . Then and now it has been my dear friends here at DS that gave me strength. (PH have strength my friend the days will get better) I am at a better place now in my life  because I can have hope of my future. And for the most part things better all around, but I still struggle. My EX and myself are friends but the distance apart helps Im sure. I have dated a few women and all are nice and a couple I care for very much but I don’t love them and they want commitment! I have seen too many people get married after divorce to someone else too soon thinking they can make it work or love is not everything. And before they know it the big “D” is staring them in the face again. So these dating attempts have ended because I gave 24 years of caring a burden in my marriage and I wont jump into commitment without there being love on both parts. Call me a helpless romantic, but I know my heart and when I give love I give All and I give it unconditionally. That is what has had me in a “funk” and near depression once again. That and in the rural place I live I have had way too much time alone to Think, Cuss, Discuss, Contemplate, and Argue with myself! I have come up with what I call Love Stages.
 
Stages & Levels of Love
 
SOUL MATE: These you know from across the room pretty much from the moment of encounter. This is all we dream, and know “It is the way things are supposed to be”.
Many find this level of LOVE, but few get to experience it because one partner, or both, is already committed elsewhere (Enduring or Normal love)and due to ethics and doing what “Their Supposed to do” they wont get the blessing of realizing the fulfillment and wonder of true Love and Happiness. Occasionally two people experience this when both are available and within moments of the first encounter will progress though all stages of Love for eternity.
This is really The Way It Is Supposed To Be!
NOTE: Not to be confused with Lust which can temporarily provide most of these same feelings but won’t make it past the dating stage when alcohol is not involved.
 ENDURING Love: (Where a small percentage of couples will find themselves) Where there has been a progression through all stages, Dating, Couple,Normal and where deep caring and love is cherished by both. There has been growth of companionship, respect, friendship, commitment, all through life experiences. These partners are committed to putting their partner first and making things the best they can be even when one would really rather not, but it is done anyway.
 NORMAL Love: (This is where the majority of married couples fall and where most married couples will stay throughout a marriage). This love has gone through the stages of attraction, dating, couple. There is caring, friendship, commitment and respect. But the majority of devotion or burden, as the case may be, to these attributes is normally supported more by one partner than the other. Many times these marriages last due to this devotion by one partner and that the marriage is more convenient than being single for the other.
 COUPLES: This is what it is! A learning stage that many never get past. These partners have gone through attraction, dating and have developed a level of respect and many times deep caring with a level of commitment and friendship.
This is where the Sub-Category of Friends With Benefits falls: Friendship and Caring without being a couple. The FWBs can at times evolve above this stage without either partner knowing it, the bad part here is if only the emotions of one grow without the other. (A sub-category of this sub-category is just the FWBs that are mutually physical with friendship but no real caring).
  ATTRACTION, DATING and LUST: This is where it all starts. A place easy to be when we are young but as we get older and have to return here many find that due to the thickness of scared hearts or other mental or physical abuse that we cant get to this place or through it and on to other levels.
 
Myself and the Ex were in the Normal stage and could have been in the Enduring stage except for one problem, she had issues that she never delt with which caused her to pull away from me. Push me away at every turn and these issues were becoming magnified. After the divorce she finally sought help and is better now and we remain friends. I feel anguish that we both still hurt, and with the help from a counselor I was able to be angry with her about not facing her issues sooner in life and therefore give me a younger start at rebuilding a life for myself. But now for why I have been on such a roller coaster again.   I MET My Soulmate ! She is where I was in my marriage 4 years ago. Feeling lost and desperate and falling into a dark hole. At the time of meeting she was separated. And she told me I showed her the light of life, that I gave her a reason to breathe again. And when we were together it is the Way It’s supposed to be! And she said and felt all these things too, BUT she was having guilt about her responsibilities of her marriage. They had no children but many business investments and many close family ties on his side. She was confused and I told her if she did not give it 120 percent of trying she would never be able to let go (That’s what I felt and had done. I know I could not have done anything more to save my marriage and I know she had to too). She went back to him and has broken ties with me. We do see each other due to work and it is professional, but we both see the pain in each other. She is headstrong to her vows. For that I admire her, but my heart aches from my loss and I feel she aches too.
 I know I need to move on, look elsewhere, dust myself off. But how does one do that when your heart has been so deeply touched? I will survive but the fear of forever feeling this empty is scary.   I have been spending extra time developing my religious convictions. It was daily prayer that got me through the many years of my marriage. But even that is leaving me feeling like I am floundering and about to drown in the emptiness.
 I pray she will always know in her soul the depth of my love and that she finds happiness in her life. I pray I again will find that level of love that made my heart fly and that I will know the pure joy of giving my love completely and unconditionally . Knowing and seeing each other and knowing that we make the others insides fill with sunshine. I know the chance of ever feeling this love is slim, but I do pray I find a woman with whom I can find mutual enthusiasm for life that will lead Us to an Enduring love.
 I fear I will fall further into the abyss before I find a way to begin walking forward again.
 I welcome any strength or ideas from my friends and I hope that my meandering thoughts make since to someone besides myself. I need ya’ll tonight.
 WTconfused (RD to my friends)