Struggle

For so long I wanted to be left alone.  To be alone.  To keep others away from my pain ... my suffering ... from me.  Now as I turn a page in whatever script my life seems to be following ... I realize that I no longer wish to be alone.  I no longer want to keep others out ... but those in my life currently aren't the ones I want to let in anymore.  I feel so alone.  So ... solitary and, at the same time, so sad.  My longest friendship seems to be on the brink of ending ... and my friend doesn't even know it.  I try to listen, to understand the hate in her voice ... her opinions ... her perspective but I can no longer listen to it without reaction ... without sadness for her.  I no longer want to take on the hate and rage and pain she so freely throws about.  I wish to be free from that rage. I'm no longer going to be a punching bag ... a dumping ground ... but do I give up the only friend I have?  The only person I've spoken with on an almost daily basis for the last 20 years?  I don't know where to find people who think like I do ... people who will understand me.  I don't know where to meet people who are happy and healthy and positive.  If birds of a feather flock together ... then where is my flock?  Where are my friends? Where do I go to find them?  For the first time in a long time ... maybe ever ... I feel needy.  I feel like I need support ... like I need people in my life.  For the first time ever ... I WANT people in my life.  I just don't know how to find the ones that will add value instead of grief.  I seem good at finding those friends... how do I find the good ones?