Stressed Out - my own fault
I have a lot on my mind. There is nothing new in that, right. Dreams and obsessive thoughts combine with the usual challenges of my daily life. I have a 4 year old with special needs, an 11 year old who is gifted and a 17 year old who is also gifted. The "neuro-typical" kids are enough to drive me crazy sometimes. However, I have been struggling with depression all of my life. I think I was depressed as a child. Trauma began early in my life with sexual abuse in my church at a young age -- 2 or 3? That with my health issues as a small child made me quiet, nervous, anxious, untrusting.I was ripe for the pickings when the next perverts came along.
At age 12 I was obsessed with finding love. I just wanted to be loved. I was already sexualized due to the early molestation. I had such conflicting feelings about myself. I was abused by another man in my church. It was awful and I kept it secret for a while. When I tried to get this jerk arrested some 3 years later, it never went to trial. I went between denial and knowing it was real, yet not wanting to face it.
Fast forward to the internet age.I did a stalkerish search to see where this muther-effer is now. He's still just as effed up in the head and trying schemes as he was back then. He has children who are mutual friends with me. They are younger than me, but went to my high school. They live here in my city. I feel like throwing up.
I'm off to take kids to the doctor. I'm a mom first. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to shout from the rooftops what this muther-effer did to me and yet I don't want to live in the past.
Still, I'm disgusted that mFer is alive and my precious parents are not.
Stronger than him,
DeannaDaisy
At age 12 I was obsessed with finding love. I just wanted to be loved. I was already sexualized due to the early molestation. I had such conflicting feelings about myself. I was abused by another man in my church. It was awful and I kept it secret for a while. When I tried to get this jerk arrested some 3 years later, it never went to trial. I went between denial and knowing it was real, yet not wanting to face it.
Fast forward to the internet age.I did a stalkerish search to see where this muther-effer is now. He's still just as effed up in the head and trying schemes as he was back then. He has children who are mutual friends with me. They are younger than me, but went to my high school. They live here in my city. I feel like throwing up.
I'm off to take kids to the doctor. I'm a mom first. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to shout from the rooftops what this muther-effer did to me and yet I don't want to live in the past.
Still, I'm disgusted that mFer is alive and my precious parents are not.
Stronger than him,
DeannaDaisy
Replies