I took advantage of a neighbor's offer, and went walking after work.  We walked for two hours, talking, crying, and went 3 miles.  All I can say is it has made a difference in the anxiety level and confidence within me.  It has dawned on me to stop drawing the cart before the horse and just do a day at a time.  I also need to get involved more, force myself out more on the weekend, whether or not I have an offer from a friend to do something.   The despair comes from being thrown into being on your own.  On my own after 31 years of marriage.  God will give me the strength to do this.  God will protect me, and gives me my husband and parents as guardian angels for same. Another widowed neighbor has invited me to attend bingo two Fridays a month.  Heck, I'm going.  The winter is coming.  The neighbor I walk with walks in the cold.  Heck, I'm going.  She also frequents our community gym in the winter.  Yes, I'm going.  I've also been invited to a bi-monthly bible study with three other girls.  Yes, I'm going.  Do I want to go?  Half of me doesn't want to, but I know I need to.  If not, I will become so depressed that I will not be able to function.  Hence, more drugs, time from work, lose my job, worry on my family and friends, and most likely lose my home. Given the independent, confident, in control woman I was all my life, my husband and parents know me better than that.  They know that's not me, and I know they would be dissapointed if I just threw in the towel.  But I often feel like throwing in the towel, but can't.   An aid in hospice, who lost her husband 5 years ago, told me we have two choices.  Either to live or to die.  Well, obviously it isn't my time to die and I'm not going to take my own life.  If I did, I certainly would not be joining my husband.  I have no choice but to live, and it is a daily struggle. People tell me they can see I am a strong lady, and I am doing good.  I don't see it, but I'll take their word for it.  It's always good to get an opinion from the outside looking in.


Community Leadermarjoe

Good lord, woman, you\'re only at 3 months! At 3 months, I had the thought processes of a slug. I ran our business, and I wasn\'t on autopilot. But between that and coming home and falling apart every day, there wasn\'t much left. Actually, bingo, gym and church group sound pretty damn good to me. Just do what you feel you can. Debbie, just please don\'t put too much stress on yourself as in what you should do - I got a lot of invitations in the beginning for lunch, walking on the beach - and I turned a lot down - I just couldn\'t do it. But I did go out with friends, and it was ok. Then I got down on myself, thinking, ok, I\'m not ready, but when I am, who\'s going to be there? At 14 months, my true friends are still here, and they\'re not going anywhere. Oh, the relief to know that! And I\'ve come a long way - but a lot of it is internal, and within my own home and mind, and I just needed to do a lot of it alone - but that\'s just me. The loss of our husbands is a major trauma alone, not to mention watching them die. So don\'t be hard on yourself! Hugs, Marsha

Marsha--Don\'t worry. I\'m not putting stress on anything. The walks are really doing me good and I didn\'t want to turn down the invite from the neighbor. If we turn everything down, they will stop asking. I don\'t feel pressured to do any of these things, and if I don\'t feel like it at that particular time, it won\'t happen. The bingo has fallen through, which is OK. Just wasn\'t meant to be. I am looking forward to the bible study, even though it will be an effort to get out the door. However, it does get me out twice a month for the fall/winter months. Something to try. The gym is for the nights Rose and I can\'t walk.

Finding the balance between enjoying resting at home and getting out. I don\'t want to become a house hermit, for it will take me backwards and I need my job and to pay my bills.

I was being hard on myself, but I stopped. And I am better for it. Some things are just too daunting or overwhelming, even to think about.

And, yes, it is still difficult. Everything is difficult. All I want is my husband back, and I love him.

Baby steps, one day at a time, and don\'t draw the cart before the horse. They are my new mottos.

Thanks for your kind words Marsha, and for being there.

Hope you have a good day, or try to anyway.
P.S. The tears still flow. - Debbie