Strength

I took advantage of a neighbor's offer, and went walking after work.  We walked for two hours, talking, crying, and went 3 miles.  All I can say is it has made a difference in the anxiety level and confidence within me.  It has dawned on me to stop drawing the cart before the horse and just do a day at a time.  I also need to get involved more, force myself out more on the weekend, whether or not I have an offer from a friend to do something.   The despair comes from being thrown into being on your own.  On my own after 31 years of marriage.  God will give me the strength to do this.  God will protect me, and gives me my husband and parents as guardian angels for same. Another widowed neighbor has invited me to attend bingo two Fridays a month.  Heck, I'm going.  The winter is coming.  The neighbor I walk with walks in the cold.  Heck, I'm going.  She also frequents our community gym in the winter.  Yes, I'm going.  I've also been invited to a bi-monthly bible study with three other girls.  Yes, I'm going.  Do I want to go?  Half of me doesn't want to, but I know I need to.  If not, I will become so depressed that I will not be able to function.  Hence, more drugs, time from work, lose my job, worry on my family and friends, and most likely lose my home. Given the independent, confident, in control woman I was all my life, my husband and parents know me better than that.  They know that's not me, and I know they would be dissapointed if I just threw in the towel.  But I often feel like throwing in the towel, but can't.   An aid in hospice, who lost her husband 5 years ago, told me we have two choices.  Either to live or to die.  Well, obviously it isn't my time to die and I'm not going to take my own life.  If I did, I certainly would not be joining my husband.  I have no choice but to live, and it is a daily struggle. People tell me they can see I am a strong lady, and I am doing good.  I don't see it, but I'll take their word for it.  It's always good to get an opinion from the outside looking in.