Strange Realizations...

Ok, so I'm realizing strange things about myself. When DH is home I'm happier, but not actually happy. I try to be silly/happy just to keep him happy/smiling cuz it makes me feel like I'm making him sad when I'm down/crying all the time in front of him. Also, I put on too many faces and I stopped being honest with myself let alone others about how I really feel. I think I've put up mental blocks against my emotions because I'm afraid to deal with them, I don't know how to deal with them.
Also, I've realized now that I've sought out counseling that I tend to be able to give others good advice on how to deal with something, but yet am unable to find the 'advice' that works for myself and my own problems. For some reason, I can see solutions to other people's problems, but none for my own. It makes me feel like I'm crazy.
Also, one big thing I've realized is that people like reading about other people's problems. I started a blog to write stories on using the Sims 3 for images to go along with that story and the only people that ever liked or followed the blog were my friend K and her mother. Recently, I started a new blog, posting anonymously about my issues and every time I put up a post I get a dozen or more likes and at least one new follower each post. Why is my creative exercise not getting any attention while my posts about my issues are getting a ton of it?
It makes me worry and fret over my creative writing not being good or acceptable. I love writing, and if I could write for a living I would, but I have no confidence in my ability to write. The only feedback I've ever gotten has come from friends and family, and I always worry that they're being nice so they don't hurt my feelings. Gah! I hate insecurity and depression! I'm always being negative and hurting myself before others can. Stupid brain... rewire yourself to be positive!

Replies

kDeezy
kDeezy

I think you\'re a great writer, but I think that people are naturally drawn towards drama. Fun and cute stuff only works if you are an exceptionally hilarious person, which very few people truly are. But...when you write about pain and depression and anger and rage and all those terrible emotions that most people tend to try to supress, voila: masterpiece. I think it gives people a chance to experience those negative emotions freely without being personally affected by them. Make sense? Maybe I\'m just rambling. But anyway, don\'t stop writing. I love reading your stuff :)
polydoly13
polydoly13

1) Regarding your first paragraph - do you even know what happiness is? I watch my mom and sis and I don\'t think they truly \"get it\". I think they have this hollywood view and expect \"big things\" to happen in order to be happy. For me happiness is actually closely linked to satisfaction. I don\'t need a day at disneyland to be happy. I find happiness is watching my dog sleep on her recliner, knowing that if I try to pet her she\'s going to scoff at me and get all offended. I guess you could also say that, for me, happiness is linked to contentment (is the the same as satisfaction?? Anyways, I go outside and see all my dogs, my horses, I know my husband will be home at night and I\'m content. No big ticker tape parades, no real big excitement, just appreciating what I have, being satisfied and content with it. Does that make sense? I think ppl are confused about what true happiness is, just like they are confused on what true love is. They want sparkles and champagne and giggles and whatever. They just aren\'t realistic and they don\'t realize that they are reaching for something that\'s not there. And you don\'t have to overcompensate by being silly, but sometimes it\'s fun. I am certainly one to add a lot of comic relief, I find things funny. But really truly think to yourself and ask if you know what happiness even is?

2) I know you feel guilty about being sad and upset alot, but don\'t supress your feelings either. You could try getting them out when you are alone and see if you are able to put on a more satisfied, cheery face when your DH gets home. Or maybe cry on his shoulder sometime, but give yourself a time limit, then move on and do something else. I always move on faster if I\'ve acknowledged it, a huge weight is lifted and I\'m able to let it go for the time being. And tell your DH you are sorry to be so down, include him in your experiment of acknowledgement and moving on.

3) Ppl LOVE drama - for some it gives them something to identify with. My DH has TONS of trouble working for his family. So whenever he\'s super ticked at them he calls one specific friend cuz he knows that guy has the same issues. So they have a beyatchfest. They don\'t feel so alone, heck even the guys wife has started in on the beyatching. DH was on the phone with her for about 45 minutes the other night and all he said were a few \"oh yeah\" or \"um hmmm\". She was on a roll, she needed someone who understood. Or it could be the case of ppl simply liking juicy gossipy stuff. It makes them feel better about their own lives. Ppl are insecure and it helps them when others are in the dumps. Sad but true. And what \"K\" said, they are just naturally drawn to drama!!!!

4) Yes emotions are hard to deal with, I actually admitted to DH that I understand, now, why my dad is an alcoholic. He couldn\'t deal with emotions so he drank to suppress them. I get it now. I\'ve never turned to alcohol or drugs for any long term relief, but I find myself having a few on the day AF starts. And maybe the day or two after. Learning to identify your individual feelings is a good start. Put labels to them, not just generalizations. For example - for me, I tend to use anger ALOT. Well I had a counselor explain to me that anger is actually up to 4 emotions rolled into one. Think HUFF (Hurt, Unfair, Fear, Frustration). So when I\'m angry I try to figure out which one, or more, of those fit me. Then I know how to deal with them. The same could go for sad, any of those underlying emotions could make you sad. If you know which one it is, then you can deal with it better.

5) This is my last one I PROMISE!!!! Don\'t be so hard on yourself. You are your own worst critic and you always will be. I do alot of crafting and some of the things I like the least, others rave over. It\'s all an allusion, a certain perspective. Keep doing what you\'re doing if it makes you happy. Not everyone will like it but who cares, if it\'s what you like to do.
calladreams
calladreams

kDeezy, thanks. I realize that I\'m my harshest critic, so I always think my writing isn\'t that great. It would be nice if people could give me feedback on my creative writing efforts, maybe I\'ll start a blog for those again and try to do more \'drama\' pieces.

Poly:

1) I am unsure if my definition of happiness is \'right\', but that aside I don\'t feel content or satisfied much anymore. I feel angry, sad, hurt and lonely most of the time. I had a few minutes today where I was content. DH and I were on the couch cuddling after L picked up my nephew and I truly felt content for a little bit. We\'d had fun playing games with my nephew and had a few laughs. But once I got up to go to the bathroom and stuff, the contented feeling started dwindling and I started thinking of the negatives again. *sigh* I can\'t get away from the negative thoughts.

2) I guess guilt is something my mother really instilled in me. If I was at home, I felt guilty about something I did or didn\'t do. See, with my mum NOTHING was ever done right. But, at the same time, stress was high in our household as my brother (the one in trouble) had found alcohol and was always angry when coming down from his alcoholic highs. Then mum was working in a job that she hated, the other nurses she worked with were apparently quite mean to her. Then again, I often wonder how much of that is true and how much was mum\'s perception of how they thought of her (she\'s one of the ones that believes because we\'re fat, people are ALWAYS talking shit about us). Anyway, the stress made all of us unhappy at home to begin with, so little things became BIG things and well, I always felt guilty about something. I think the only happy days growing up (after the age of 9) were when it was just Dad and I at home, listening to music or watching cartoons together.

DH is very understanding, and hates when I feel guilty. He often does little things to cheer me up and NEVER makes me feel bad for anything I have or haven\'t done. He would rather sing me praises than tell me all the bad things, I get enough of that from my mother. He will point out things I did wrong, but kindly and in a way that shows me it\'s ok that I did something wrong, he just wants me to know the right way of doing it. Most of the guilt comes from me and my own negative thoughts.

3) I\'m finding out more and more just how much people love drama. It\'s kind of annoying though, since I have enough drama going on in my life, and I don\'t want any more, but then when I try to get away from it, I\'m sucked back into it. So annoying.

4) My grandfather (maternal) was an alcoholic. As my mum always says \'he drank to get away from his demons.\' He was abused by his parents, physically and emotionally, he was the unwanted child. He turned to alcohol to make things easier, unfortunately he was an angry drunk. He turned into an abuser himself. Alcohol was his coping mechanism, but it didn\'t work. I wish he could have gotten the help he sorely needed before he passed, but he went to his grave a bitter man.

I have a few drinks here and there, but as DH pointed out to the intake lady yesterday, I\'ve only had one drink in the last 6 months. I don\'t like beer, the taste throws me off. I can\'t drink wine (as much as I would love to) because it\'s too strong for me. I drink spirits (like vodka, peach schnapps and rum) but in mixed drinks and in tiny amounts (a cap full is often more than enough per 1 cup of drink).

I\'ll have to keep that HUFF thing in mind, I\'m sure most of my anger is a giant ball of all of that. Though, most times hurt and frustration would describe why I\'m angry. I definitely need to get a better handle on my emotions, decipher exactly what I\'m feeling and why so I can deal with them more effectively. That\'s why I told the intake lady that I would like to attend the group coping lessons.

5) Don\'t worry about how long your replies are, they make me think and that\'s always a good thing! I am my own worst critic, and a lot of the time I\'m unfairly hard on myself. I think I really am afraid of succeeding for some reason. I think it also plays a big part in why I want to branch out into different crafts before fully learning one, I fear the success so I spread myself too thin. That\'s definitely something I have to think about more... Thanks for responding and giving me so much to think about!
polydoly13
polydoly13

Glad you don\'t mind my long winded responses. Like I said, it\'s mostly because I see SO many similiarities between us. Don\'t know if that\'s good or bad - just let\'s us know we aren\'t alone.

I\'ve learned from watching my mom (funny how both of us relate this to our mom\'s) that you have to choose happiness. You can actually self sabotage your way into being unhappy. My mom had a REALLY good job with great ppl and she complained about it to the point where she made herself physically ill and miserable. She can\'t seem to find the positives. She expects everything to be fun, cupcakes and streamers, she misses the sunsets and pretty little flowers growing through the concrete. But then again my dad was always looking at negative things too. So I got it from both directions, I just don\'t talk to my dad much anymore, so I see more of it in my mom. And there are going to be days when there is sadness, sometimes I just wake up sad, nothing wrong with that. Without sadness, you can\'t appreciate happiness. And sometimes it\'s a minute to minute thing. I think the group coping sessions will be awesome - other ppl there to tell of their experiences and what they\'ve learned. I LOVE to learn new stuff about myself.

And honey, you don\'t have to tell me about guilt, my momma is jewish, her momma was jewish, guilt is as necessary as oxygen in a jewish family. My sis and I talk about it ALOT cuz we are both trying to break the cycle. That\'s another key thing I like, \"breaking the cycle\". Recognizing what we were taught as children and then doing better.

Don\'t have much experience with fear of success - my hubby has a fear of failure. His dad is really hard on him when things don\'t work out, like hubby actually has control of the weather, or the cattle market, etc. Hubby just can\'t understand that I\'m happy as long as he tries, he could fail at everything and we could end up homeless and I\'d be ok, cuz he tried.

Keep me updated on your group stuff, I\'m jealous. I want to see if there\'s something in our town (80 miles away), I think I could justify going once a month.
calladreams
calladreams

poly, I tend to be long winded myself when I have something to say, otherwise I\'m quiet as a mouse. It\'s funny, people often think of me as the shy and quiet one, but once they get me started on a topic I\'m fond of, wooooah boy! I just don\'t shut up. :D

It\'s nice to finally talk to someone who has a lot of similarities with me, so far I\'ve not really found that. My friends Monica and Kate have one similarity that we all just don\'t want. They\'ve both lost their fathers to cancer and now I\'m loosing mine to cancer. We have a couple of things in common, but we\'re all different in specifics. Like we all like crafts/crafting, but Monica doesn\'t do much in the way of crafting (and we can never get her to come for a crafting day), Kate works with clay and makes miniatures for her doll house and I do bead work and cross stitch. THey don\'t understand any of my non hobby related issues, so I don\'t actually get to talk to them about anything other than mutual likes without having to explain everything.

I relate this to my mum because Dad doesn\'t show emotions very often. I realize now for him it was all about being in the same room, doing something together and never really about the verbalization of emotion. He was always calm and comforting in his own little way. For the most part, I\'m like him. I like being in the same area as DH, we don\'t have to be doing anything together for me to feel like we\'re spending time together. My mum doesn\'t get that. She HAS to be doing something with someone to feel like she\'s spending time with them. She NEEDS the verbal and physical contact to know we love her, whereas the rest of us are just content to be around each other, having dinner or whatnot. We don\'t have to verbalize our love to each other very often, we KNOW that each loves the other, etc.

Break the cycle... yep, my brothers (well, at least one of them) and I are trying to do that ourselves. See mum\'s cycle involves a lot of abuse (be it physical, verbal, emotional, neglect..etc), she\'s continuing the cycle by letting it overwhelm her and rule her every day. My brothers and I wouldn\'t say we were abused, but there was a lot of emotional turmoil and neglect (when mum would withdraw) and anger was prevalent too. We don\'t want that in our futures. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only one that\'s going to succeed since I\'m the only one willing to seek outside help in order to do so.

Fear of failure is a common thing, I used to fear failing at something because my mum would tear a strip out of me for it. Over the years, watching my family, especially my mum\'s side of the extended family, it evolved into a fear of success. See, my mum is the only one in her family that is not living on welfare. She\'s the only one that graduated high school and college. She\'s a successful nurse (though she complains about EVERYTHING) and she\'s gotten herself and her family out of poverty. Unfortunately that bred jealousy and hatred. Her mother has always kind of hated her (she\'s the prettiest, and no I don\'t say that cuz she\'s my mum, she really is the best looking of her sisters; and she\'s the most successful), but her sisters grew to resent her and that led to choas when their mother died and now mum\'s estranged from her family (as much as she hates that one too). It was hard learning that I could fail without repercussions, but eventually I did. How I learned that was getting out of my parent\'s house and out from under my mum\'s thumb. I failed at quite a few things and always dreaded the yelling that would accompany it, but it never came.

I started feeling ok with failing to do something right, but then I watched as my mum suffered from her success even though I wasn\'t at home. Mum succeeded and was miserable for it. I haven\'t seen any \'happy and successful\' people, most people I know that have reached their goals were unhappy after doing so. So, I have this inane and uncontrolable fear of doing something right and reaching a goal, because I\'m unhappy enough as it is, I don\'t want to feel miserable after reaching a goal. It\'s crazy, I know... I know it\'s there, but I can\'t seem to break it.

As for the group stuff, I\'m not suer how it\'s going to be run, but the intake lady said it\'s not a personal style group. Meaning it\'s more like lessons than therapy sessions. Maybe I can put each lesson up here for others to see and maybe learn from.

(See, I\'m long winded too :P)