Strange face
I was terrified to put a picture of myself on the site. For me, it has to do with letting the world know that I actually have a problem. Putting a face to the problem is kind of scary. And then I see the face and realize that I'm not so ugly. That I don't actually look screwed up. I've never been fond of my pics. The only ones I really liked were from Spain. I was happy then. It was a difficult time, don't get me wrong. I was just. . . in my element there. In the states, I'm nothing. It's difficult to be excited about leaving the house. And somehow, all the negativity I feel from the outside world gets turned into self-loathing. I looked at my pic that I put on this site and finally saw a pretty decent guy. It's too bad he doesn't get out more. Just a happy-go-lucky type. And then there's me; the asshole. I'm the one that deals with all the haters. I deal with all the judgment. It's time for change though. Working towards being ok with what the camera shows me. Thanks for reading. Or not reading. It's all the same to me.
Replies
wow..... what a great journal.
I will put my two or three cents.. maybe a quarter. in.. from the \' pic\' you have, first it\'s awesome, like a sketch.. and very handsome. You are a handsome guy. I joined this site over 7 years ago..... and I hate pics of myself.... I actually get mad if someone takes a pic of me. Most of my pics that I do have here are several years old.. in my \' happier\' days before I was diagnosed with panic disorder and my life turned upside down when I was paralyzed with fear of having the next panic attack.. I do have a couple of recent ones in my photos.. but mostly, I put up ( as you know if you saw my reply on the post I messaged you about ) avi pics of Titans cheerleaders.. because I am a huge Titans fan ( ashamed to say now ) and I love football. but I have never claimed to be a Titans cheerleader.
okay..that was all about me on your journal.. sorry.
Putting a \' face \' to the problem is , I think, a brave, strong thing.. and I felt the same as you... I liked pics of me in \' happier times\'.. cause that\'s who I want to be again. Gosh, we have alot in common.. I wish I got out more.. and felt happy go lucky.. I am blessed..I have two sons, 28 and 22 and I have been married for 29 years..
You say there is you the \' hater\'.. I get that.. I hate people who judge.. people who don\'t walk in our shoes.... cause they need to shut the fuck up. ( yes, I\'m a southern belle who cusses alot )..
I hope you do keep working towards being okay with what the camera shows you. I see a handsome guy with really kind eyes.. I support you in making changes... I know we don\'t really know each other, but I do think we are alike in alot of ways...... I\'ll keep reading it it\'s all the same to you. :)
big hugs.
LMT
was it the culture or the climate that you liked about spain? maybe you would feel better if you found the same thing here, like san diego california or corpus christie, tx kind of thing, where there is a lot of latin and the weather is super warm and you can swim all the time?